Those First Few Days...

Everyday, Facebook has a way of surprising me. Every morning without fail, I wake up to a little notification saying "Your memories with ______, ______, and X amount of people are waiting for you". I'm sure most of you see this on a daily basis, or open up your timehop to see what your life was like in the past how ever many years on this exact day.

Well, this morning Facebook decided to remind me of the days before I was open about my infertility and all I was going through.

Actually, I wasn't open about it because I didn't know.

It was a year ago that I walked into the local hospital and got 8 different tests done and had no idea what was on the other side of those tests. I didn't even know what PCOS meant. I was just going to get blood work to "rule out some things" which as I would come to find out actually ruled them IN. I remember the nurse being so sweet and telling me which vile would go to which test. She also had gone through infertility  and was on the other side now having two preteen children. I don't think it registered in my head then that I could be one in eight. I didn't want to believe I was one in eight.

Looking back at the girl I was a year ago, I don't think she ever could have imagined going another year without being pregnant. Heck, at that point I couldn't believe I'd already gone a year and not gotten pregnant. But that was my reality and I was willing to do anything to change it.

Within a few days I got the call saying I had PCOS. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at rehearsal for a play I was in and I had a missed call and I ran off stage and went to the bathroom to call the doctor back. She had a lot of medical terms, other tests she wanted to do, and of course the diagnosis. She said that once my period came again that we would start my first round of clomid to see if it would make me ovulate (which if you've been reading my blogs since last June you'll know they did, but not successful in getting pregnant). So that was another 2 months of waiting.

Looking back I wish I had done all that lab work sooner, but most doctors won't do it until you've been trying for a year. I wish I had gone way before even trying to get pregnant so I could have had answers to all my questions. But such is life and you live and learn. Now I can help other girls to be able to stand up for themselves and get tested whether they've been trying for a year or not. It's so hard to say to a doctor "I really would like to be tested for PCOS, endo, etc" but sometimes it's what we have to do! Even if the tests came back negative, wouldn't you rather rule it out?

As badly as I want a child, infertility has been one of the best things to happen to me. Not only have I been able to help other girls/women going though similar situations, met some amazing women within the TTC community online, but I've also been able to make new friendships and strengthen old friendships in my everyday life! My marriage has grown so much more in the past two years than it probably would have. We've had to go through some really rough times to start out our marriage that most couples don't have to go through, and for that I am so grateful. Having that man to pray with me and be the shoulder I cry on and who listens to all my craziness is the biggest blessing.

Of course the number one reason I'm ok with living with infertility is that it's made me rely on God so much more. I've been way more diligent in prayer than I probably would have been if I had gotten pregnant right off the bat and everything was in my plans. But God's plans are WAY better than mine, as hard as that is to admit, and I just have to keep following those plans. I've definitely taken some detours along the way of God's plan, but I will make it to that destination he has waiting for me!

It took me a little while to open up about my fertility issues, but I am SO glad I finally was upfront and honest about it. For some reason, people would rather stay quiet about their fertility issues, their miscarriages, their PCOS. While that is fine for some, for me that's just not the case. I know myself and I know I need that support and prayer. So thank you to all my readers, friends, family, strangers, and robots (you never know) for all of your support over the past year!

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:18

God Bless
Amanda

Our Meeting with IVFNE

So a few days ago, Mike and I had our first appointment with the IVFNE doctors. I am beyond relieved after spending a few hours there. Here's the short of the long of how it went.

We got lost. We went to where iPhone maps thought her office was rather than clicking on the address in the email. Big mistake. Thankfully we were only off by about 5 minutes so that was easily corrected, once we realized that a bank wasn't the IVF office.

Mind you, it's also snowing for the 3rd time this year while we have to drive the 20-30 minutes up there.

So we finally get to the office and check in and meet our amazing doctor. I can't begin to explain how excited I am for however long it's going to take to get pregnant from here going forward because this doctor ACTUALLY CARES. She looked through our medical records and tests that we've both done, asked us a bunch of questions about fertility, any issues we might have had in the past/things going on now. And we actually have a game plan!

Once we're back from Disney we will go ahead and start doing blood work/genetics testing/lots of other testing that I am slightly nervous for but I know I have no reason to be. Then once those tests and a few of Mike's test come back, we will go from there. As of right now she wants to try just a medicated cycle on a similar medicine to the one I was on last year since I responded to it so well. But the best part is that they want to monitor me through it doing ultrasounds and blood tests to make sure I am ovulating and timing things right.

IT'S. A. MIRACLE.

As much as I was hoping that we wouldn't have to get to this point, part of me is so glad we are because I'll be getting the care that I need to see that we actually are doing things right! If this medicated cycle doesn't work the way it should, we may go to an IUI, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I'm so thankful for my support system that I have with my husband, my family, my friends, my internet friends. You guys are all amazing and I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers over the past 2 years (yup, it's been almost two years). This struggle has been long, but someday it will all be worth it when I can say "we did it" and have a cute little baby in our arms.


God Bless
Amanda

(PS I dyed my hair red for our upcoming trip to Disney. I am Ariel)

PCOS: What's Going On?

Good morning everyone!
I want to start off this post by having you fill in these few blank spaces.

"Hello. My name is ______. I know ______ about PCOS"

So what did you fill in for that second spot? Maybe you said you know nothing, little, a lot, or everything. Maybe you have PCOS. Maybe you know someone who has PCOS (Hint: if you're reading this, you know someone with PCOS). Maybe the letters PCOS mean absolutely nothing to you other than they're 4 letters that might mean something.

After looking through my previously written blog posts and getting an overwhelming amount of support on my last post, I realized that although people probably see me post about my infertility issues and PCOS, they probably have no idea what's going on. This can be hard for both you, the reader, and me, the one going through it all.

So let's just get this all out in the open.

PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. The cysts are not harmful in the sense of they are not cancerous, but they do lead to a hormone imbalance, which is why I have such trouble getting pregnant. Now, I'm going to tell you some of the most common symptoms, and if you know me at all, of you have ever even seen a picture of me, you will probably laugh and think "but Amanda you don't have those symptoms." But just hang in there with me. The most common symptoms are acne, weight gain and trouble losing weight, excess hair, thinning hair on the scalp (I know, totally contradicts what I just said), irregular periods, anxiety/depression, and of course fertility problems.

Now, if you go to WebMD or even just do a google search for PCOS, they're going to tell you that the easiest way to be treated for PCOS is to eat healthy and lose weight.

Wait just a second here.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS I weighed in at about 110 lbs. give or take. Now, for my height and age, this was just under the normal BMI range. So here I was, 22 years old, underweight, and told that normally losing weight would help to cure my disease. Now, thankfully I am smart and realized that being under the BMI range for normal probably wasn't helping either, and since then I've put on just under 15 pounds and have been eating much more healthy and have been more active. And yet here I am still suffering from PCOS. This is going to bring me to my biggest pet peeve.

I can NOT just relax and get pregnant!

I hear this so much. "I had issues getting pregnant too. Once I relaxed and stopped worrying about it, bam, I was pregnant. Just relax, have a few glasses of wine, and you'll be fine!"

My blood is boiling just writing that out.

I hear this far too often, or friends/family of mine will say that to them about me. It is just so frustrating. Which is why I'm writing this post. People just don't understand that I have a medical issue and that it's not that I'm just having problems getting pregnant, I physically have a condition that makes it hard for me to get pregnant.

Now, in my first six months of marriage, or really even the first year, I would take that advice! I would really try hard to just relax and hope for the best. But when you don't have a period for 3 1/2 months, that means you don't ovulate, which means YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

*Just a slight warning, getting a little medical here. I'm just trying to be informative and help you  understand. Let's all be adults.*

Let's all go back to that day in 5th grade when we learned about the human body shall we? Women ovulate around their 14th day of their cycle and release an egg. If intercourse has happened and sperm meets that egg, it creates life, and that egg attaches to your uterus and you become pregnant. If sperm doesn't meet the egg, it gets released and you have your period. Now, if you're like me and can't release an egg on your own, you can't get pregnant no matter how much you "relax and let it happen".

And this is where that beautiful medicine called Clomid comes in. Clomid is a fertility drug that made me release an egg for ovulation. It also came with horrible side effects (mostly hot flashes, cramps, and massive amounts of hormones). The 6 months I took clomid (June-September 2015 and January-February 2016) I actually ovulated like a normal woman and had normal cycles. But even with that, I had to take my temperature every day to see when I would actually ovulate, take lots of tests to go along side with the temping, and had to literally chart every symptom along the way, just to make sure that I actually was ovulating.

This goes completely against that "Relax and you'll get pregnant" theory you thought would help, doesn't it?

So where do we all go from here? For us, we have our first consultation at IVF New England on the 21st to meet with a specialist (who came highly recommended by friends going through similar situations, and friends who have been through this and come out the other side with precious little ones). I wasn't expecting to be able to get in so quickly, but I'm so excited to hopefully get some more answers! After spending pretty much the past year hearing "just take this pill good luck" it's nice to know that we'll be seeing someone on a regular basis who actually wants to see us succeed in becoming parents!

Now for you the reader, my friends and family and random people of the internet, I hope that this helps you to understand; understand my struggles, why I have to do some of the things I do, why I can't do some other things I want to do, and that this is a real issue, not just that we've been trying for a little while. There is a real problem, a real diagnosis, and I am a real person living with this day in and day out.

I know a lot of my friends often times will say "I don't want to be rude by asking this" or "hey can you tell me more about your diagnosis? If you don't want to you don't have to". I am ALWAYS wanting to share more about my diagnosis and help other people either understand what's going on with me, or help women who may also have PCOS but aren't open about it like I am. One in Ten woman has PCOS, and One in Five woman have troubles getting pregnant. Why is it that so many women struggle with this, and yet none of us ever talk about it??

I know this is a little more blunt and up close and personal than my normal blog posts, but I really think these things needed to be said. Even though I post about my fertility issues often on social media, I guess I never really thought about if the person reading on the other side of the screen really knew what was going on. So thank you for sticking through this post with me.

I want to leave you with this piece of scripture
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" -Philippians 4:13
-Amanda

Our Next Steps

"Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:1-2

Psalm 61:8 has always been one of my favorite pieces of scripture ("Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after day."). I found this the day after my grandmother passed away. My 19th birthday. I was flipping through my bible and was just crying out to God "I need you to give me what my heart needs." And that's where Psalm 61:8 came into my life. I've always had that verse in the back of my head. 

So when I googled "Scripture about Guidance" and Psalm 61:1-2 came up, I had to almost do a double take. A short Psalm (only 8 verses) that I've read through probably 1000 times and I'd never really comprehended it. I've gone back through and read it and read it and read it. I can't even begin to describe what it means to me, in a completely different circumstance almost 5 years later. Why you may ask?

It's Day One.

Again.

You would think after two years, one diagnosis, six rounds of medicine, and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests I would be use to this; use to the disappointment. And yet every month, I'll say right before "I'd be ok if I wasn't pregnant because _______." That blank got filled in so many times with so many different things. It started out with "it's only our first month trying." Then progressed to "It's our first month on Clomid, I just want to know if the medicine does what it's suppose to." And then recently it was "We'll go to a specialist if we're not pregnant this month and get more answers."

We've been praying and hoping that the Clomid would be enough. It does it's job perfectly. For the 6 cycle's I've taken it, I've known each month exactly when I ovulated (even when the apps and tests didn't agree), and I've gotten to know my body so well. Clomid has an 80% success rating of making you ovulate (woohoo I fell into that percentile) and then a 50% of conceiving within the first 6 months (not woohoo). So why aren't we pregnant? Why didn't it work? Why couldn't we be one of those 50%?

I ask why a lot. 

This cycle had been the best one I'd had. My symptoms from Clomid weren't as bad as they had been in the past. I felt way more happy and uplifted the whole month. Even though I wasn't sure either way if I was pregnant or not, I felt good about this month. I caved and took an .89$ test Friday which was negative, but I still didn't give up hope. But this morning I just knew. I knew this month was done, and that we'd have to take the next steps.

So the next steps? We will be going to a specialist who deals with infertility and PCOS and all of the great things we've been dealing with. If I had to guess, we'll probably be doing an IUI in the next few months, and I'm totally ok with that. I just need answers to why. I thought that having a diagnosis would help answer those questions, and it started to, but I still feel like I have no idea what's going on. 

So in the mean time, I won't be doing another round of Clomid. We leave for Disney World four weeks from today (WOO), so I'm not sure if we'll be going in to see the specialist before that or not, but part of me wants to wait until we are back from vacation so we don't have to be worrying about tests or things like that. But then yet again, not having answers before vacation could make things hard. So we'll see what happens.

As I've been writing this, I've been listening to my "Top Christian" playlist on Spotify (linked if you want to check it out). Each song that has come on has just hit me like a ton of bricks. Good Good Father, When I'm With You, and How Can It Be were just what I needed. Lots of promises from God. But then one song came on and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. I haven't been able to stop crying. It is Well by Bethel. A very close friend of mine, who also happens to be one of the worship pastors at our church, introduced me to this song a while back and I thought "Wow this is really pretty, I'll add it to my list."

I didn't know how much I'd need this song until it came on my list. 

"Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea"

I've been replaying this line over and over and over.  It can be so hard to give up faith that God will provide. But this line just brings it all back for me. "The mountain will be thrown into the midst of the sea." This isn't just a cleaver line, but words that Jesus was preaching in Mark 11:23-24. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Now, notice Jesus didn't say "and it will be yours this very second." or "After that one prayer, you'll get this." Jesus is not a magic genie who comes and grants you three wishes. He's not a star you wish upon, or a good luck charm. Jesus was a man who walked among men. He was flesh and bone like you and I. He may have been man, but he IS the son of God and performed miracles. Even to this day, Jesus is performing miracles. They may not be as "big" as raising a man back from the dead, but miracles do still happen for those who pray diligently. 

As much as I wish I could pray "Lord, make me pregnant" I just can't. I know that isn't realistic for us. I have faith in God, but our story probably isn't one that will be answered "You want it, you got it now." Instead, I've been praying, and will continue to pray "Lord, give us wisdom and guidance on how to become pregnant. Show us how to overcome infertility. Allow the right Doctors and medicine and procedures to help us." My prayers could go on and on about our infertility.  

So today, as I have spent most of my day in bed, upset and down, I just am thankful that tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new week, that I serve a great God that I can lean on during these difficult times, and that He gave me a husband who is kind and understanding and comforts me so well during these hard days. 

Stay Hopeful, Keep Faith, and Love Greatly,

Amanda

Letters

To my Husband,
Thank you so much for being by my side in this battle of infertility for nearly 2 years now. When we got married, we had no idea this would be the struggle ahead of us, but I just thank God for it everyday because we have grown so much closer to each other because of our struggles. I wouldn't have wished infertility on us. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But because of PCOS and all the tests, the blood work, the ultrasounds, the joys, the sorrows, and all those stupid little pills, we have been growing closer to each other, and closer to God.

Our first year together was certainly much different than the last 2. Our first year, we were so full of happiness and joy every day, planning for our future, making wedding arrangements, talking about what we would name our kids, and where we wanted to live. All of that slowly faded away and made way for new discussions. Those smiles that were plastered on our faces to the point of making my face hurt still show up, but a lot of those happy discussions we'd had before getting married now are topics I don't even want to think about. Thinking about what we want to name our children can hurt, because I thought we'd already have those kids with us by now. Laughing about what we could make our nursery theme just breaks my heart. What if that day never comes?

But here we are. 2 years into infertility and we still find reasons to smile. Through every emotional break down, every hot flash (that never seem to go away!), every side effect, every symptom that "could be a sign of pregnancy" but never is, and through every moment of doubt and fear, you're there. You are always there for me to ramble on about these things to, to hold me when I can't stop crying, to comfort me when I get angry and ask "why us?". You always have a strong face, and always hold me up when I'm down. I hope you know that I am there when the days are hard on you too. I love you.

To my Family,
You guys have been with me since day 1. You know who I am inside and out. I've told you about my infertility since day 1, and you've been some of my biggest supporters. My parents, my parents-in-law, my brothers/sisters in law, my aunts and uncles, my grandpa. I don't know how I could make it through these days without having your love. You've prepared me for the hard times in such a way that I was able to tackle them on head first and with strong faith. I can't begin to describe your love for me, and how you pray for me daily and keep me lifted up. Those prayers are felt, and I am so proud to call you my family.

To my Best Friends,
You have no idea what it means to me to be able to share this journey with you. Some of you have been there since day one of Mike and I meeting, some of you came into our lives a little later in this process, but you guys are my rocks. I know you have my back every single day, and no matter what I can call/text/facebook/send a carrier pigeon to and you'll always answer.

I know a lot of you have your own struggles, whether it be fertility related or not, so the fact that you take the time out of your own emotional break downs to be there for me, to comfort me, to make me laugh, to cry along side me, means the absolute world. I hope you know that I am always that same one phone call away that you are for me.

You ladies always know exactly what to say. I could go on and on for paragraph after paragraph in texts to you, and without hesitation you reply and it's exactly what I need. Whether it's a comforting "I'm sorry", scripture, or your own advice/what you've been through, it is so wonderful to have that support. There are days that I just want to go home from work and lay in bed and not do anything, but you ladies help me to get out of bed and do something productive or fun. You push me to get out of my own head, and that's exactly what I need so keep it up.

To my Trying to Conceive (TTC) Instagram/Blog family,
I have been using Instagram to get advice/vent about TTC for the past 10 months or so. I never knew that I would have over 400 followers in that time, and get to know so many of you on a personal level. I have watched many of you beat infertility, which gives me such hope! I am amazed at how God works and can bring each of us through our journey differently, but seeing so many girls get their positives and grow amazing children makes me that much more excited for when the day comes. I've also had to watch a lot of you go through struggles. I've watched as you've had miscarriages, false positives, no positives at all, get new diagnosis', and I've watched as more and more ladies have joined us in this infertility journey, which breaks my heart.

I've gotten to really know a good handful of you, have shared in your victories and your defeats. I laugh when you laugh, and cry when you cry. It wouldn't matter if you got your positive tomorrow and I didn't get mine for 5 years, you ladies are some of my closest friends and I love getting to share life through pictures and text with you.

For those of you who I haven't gotten to know as well, or might not know at all besides where you are in your cycle, I really do want to get to know more about who you are outside of infertility. Each of us is so much more than a diagnosis (or lack of diagnosis) and I want to know that side of you. I hope that my posts and the relationships that I HAVE built up, and the struggles I'm going through can give you hope and peace knowing that you are not alone, you will never be alone, and that we all have each other's backs, whether you've been TTC for a month, 5 years, have 3 children already, are TTC your first, growing your family naturally, with assistance of medicine, IVF, or adoption. We are all in this together and as much as I wish we didn't have to be friends because of infertility, I am so happy that we have become friends.


"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."- 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I hope you are as encouraged by this post and my letters to the people in my life as I was writing it. Thinking about all the people I have in my life who support me and love me and pray for me just makes my heart so happy. If I'm this loved in the hard time of infertility, when the day finally comes of having children, I know that child/children will be loved so so much, especially because of the trials and struggle it has been getting there, and continues to be.

Have a beautiful March 1st and God Bless,
Amanda

Who I Once Was

I don't even know where to begin. This time of year I always start thinking about the past. Some things just stick in your head, and for me, it was this time of year 3 years ago. Man I wish I could go back in time and tell 3 years ago Amanda what was to come.

You see, 3 years ago I was about 2 1/2 months out of a relationship and I was still struggling. I knew it was for the best, and I became so much stronger in my faith in that 3 months from November to February, but I was struggling. I was looking for validation. I was looking for a new guy to fill that hole in my heart. About half way through December I realized that the only man I needed to fill that hole was Jesus, and so I became much more grounded in my faith. I was reading my bible every day, praying consistently, and just letting the Holy Spirit move in me.

 

 

And then, I relapsed and cut off all my hair.

(Note: The date is wrong. This was 3 years ago)

 

 

We all do this. After a relationship ends we do something to relapse. I did two things. I got a tattoo about a month after that says "Listen With Your Heart" (a quote from Pocahontas, my favorite Disney movie, and a life lesson I needed to follow) and then cut my hair in February. I had thought that I found a guy I was going to casually go out with, but it didn't work out. I went back to my bible and I prayed about it. And then I made the quick decision on my break from my job at Payless at the time, walked two doors down to my hairdresser, and said "Cut it all off. Give me bangs."

 

I had changed who I was on the inside. I had let God transform in my heart. So hey, why not change my outside look. I was an independent woman. I had nothing to hold me back. So I cut my hair. At first I loved it! And then I regretted it and started growing out my hair again. And I didn't drastically cut it again until a few months ago.

 

 

 

Yes, these are both me. Two very different versions of myself. I don't even recognize the girl on the left. She was trying so hard to follow Christ, but wasn't fully giving herself to him. She was trying to find validation from men. That girl would have done anything to get a guy to look at her and say "you're so beautiful". Looking back, if I had known I was about to meet my husband just a few days from when that picture was taken, I wouldn't have cut my hair. I would have left it long, grown it out more, and let those beautiful locks be as long as Rapunzel's! But I didn't know that. I don't think really any of us knew I was about to meet my husband, but that's a story for another day.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I'm making a whole post dedicated to the person I use to be and how I've changed. I think it can be good to look back and see how things have changed. Especially in my case, knowing I was literally 4 days away from talking to my husband for the first time, I love seeing the person I was and how she transformed into the person I am. God certainly used that time in my life of making quick decisions and being just me to prepare me for forever with my husband. I still like to make quick decisions (like when I cut somewhere between 8-10 inches off my hair in December), but in marriage, not only do you have to make decisions with each other, you have to make SMART decisions with each other. Trust me, if every paycheck I could go and book a mini vacation , go buy new clothes, or go out and have a fancy dinner every week, I would. But as a mature married adult, I know that isn't realistic and that money has a place to go to (bills, who knew??)

 

I just want to point out a few differences between the two girls in the picture above.

 

First and foremost, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SHOW ME HOW TO PROPERLY USE A HAIR CURLER??? I really don't even understand why I had any friends because that was just a mess. You have to use a curling iron differently when you have short hair, and apparently I didn't understand that concept. Tight Shirley Temple curls look okay when your hair is long because it naturally falls and looks great. Tight Shirley Temple curls when you have short hair makes you look like Shirley Temple. So praises for me learning how to use a curling iron when I cut my hair this time.

 

Secondly, can we take a minute to appreciate how much happier I look now than I did three years ago? Besides actually knowing how to style my hair and look like a normal civilized person of the 21st century, I just look better. I'm not trying to be vein or anything like that, but it's amazing to see what a transformation I've made. I went from having a lot of anxiety and not eating much, not caring what I did eat when I had large meals, and living in a situation that was just not good for me financially and mentally, to leaving all of that behind me, starting a life with the man of my dreams, having less anxiety, eating somewhat healthier (and actually eating!), and working a job with very little stress and loving what I do. I can't begin to describe how fake the half smile thing is in the left picture. Don't be fooled, I wasn't happy back then.

 

Finally, I am so much healthier now! I have easily gained 20 pounds since that picture on the left. And you can tell. I still might be a skinny girl, but I am way more comfortable in my own skin, and that's important. As a wise man said "You should go and love yourself." (by wise man, I mean Justin Bieber). I really do love myself. And I know that Jesus loves me, and forgives me for everything I've done wrong in my life from day one till this very moment in time.

 

So this post goes out to all those girls who are 3 years ago Amanda. To the girls who are trying to be someone their not to get a boy's attention, the girls who are low and feeling that they're not good enough for anyone. To anyone struggling with anxiety or depression, I was that girl. I don't like to admit it, but I was her. I still can be her. But ladies, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are beautiful enough, you are strong enough, you're confident enough. You're loved enough by Christ!

 

 I'll probably look back at this post and see so much strength in myself, but I hope in three more years that I can see these two pictures, add a third picture of who I'll be in 2019 and say "I don't recognize either of these versions of myself because I've changed so much and I've grown to love Jesus more, and here's the update from marriage years 2-5."

 

So be encouraged today ladies. Look at those pictures on Timehop of who you were a year ago, or seven years ago! It's fun! Think about who you were then, where you thought your life would go. Did you life go the way you thought? Mine didn't. I thought I'd go to school, graduate with a Music Education degree and travel the world teaching music. Well, that clearly didn't happen, and I'm 100% ok with that because it wasn't my passion after all (funny, 18 year olds change their minds. Who knew?). Keep your head up, keep smiling, love yourself, and if you're the girl who doesn't love herself, make the change today.

 

"Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good."

-Proverbs 19:8

 

Amanda

Isaiah 56

Before I get this blog post started, I just wanted to share this beautiful photo of how amazing the snow looked on Friday from my apartment's porch.

And now, onto the real blog post!

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me.

I didn't wake up expecting it to be an emotional day. I actually woke up in a great mood. I was ready to go to church, pumped for lunch with friends, and for a relaxing day with the hubby.

And then I entered the doors of our church.

Let me just say that I love my church. I love being able to lead worship and go to a bible study. But some of the best moments in my church is when I just stop my busy mind and just listen. That's what happened to me yesterday.

Back story. I had a talk with my doctor on Friday and they put me on my last round of Clomid (yup, still not pregnant.) so I was a little emotional already not knowing what would happen if this round didn't work. The Clomid makes me a little (ok very) emotional, and so I should have known that I was going to break down at church. I knew we were starting a new series called "Pray for One", focusing on how we can be praying for one person daily for interactions with them to show them Christ's love and to help them find Christ. I thought I was in the clear. "Oh, this sermon is about focusing on other people, that means the whole service is going to be more focusing outward, not inward.

Wrong.

So here I am, standing at church and the first song to be sung was "Desert Song" which is one of my favorite songs right now (pretty sure I've blogged about it too! Find it here). In the bridge is says

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This section repeats itself many times, and this time singing it I just closed my eyes and just sang that out so loudly to God. Those words just resonated in my heart and I couldn't help but get a little tear in my eye. This phrase is so symbolic to me since I am a singer and that's my passion, the fact that I am STILL in this season of life that I thought I would be done with by now, it was just the reminder I needed to really get my head into worship and to get my heart to open and just be softened by God.

This was only the beginning of how this service transformed me.

The second song (which was sung by my awesome friend Chris who nailed it!) is called "Invitation Song." It's a new song we've been doing over the past few weeks at church and I absolutely love it. It's all about inviting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and just receiving Him with open arms. Again, the bridge is what caught me off guard and made me really stop and reflect what the words were saying on a deeper level.

Open up our eyes to see You in the ordinary
We don't wanna miss You anymore
Open every eye to see every day, everything is
Burning with the glory of the Lord

I definitely have a hard time seeing God in the ordinary moments. In the moments I'm just sitting at work, driving home from dinner, or just taking a shower. These ordinary moments are some moments that I pray God will open my eyes to see him. Because I really don't want to miss him anymore. I want to see the little miracles around the world. I want to see the "God Moments".

By this point, I am really trying hard to hold it together. Typically at church it's myself, hubby, my mom, and friends of ours who are recently married sitting together. Yesterday however we went to an earlier service and so it was just Mike and I. So I felt a little more comfortable. Not that I'm not comfortable with other people I know around me, but when it's just my husband and I, we both are just so focused on God and have no distractions or "am I doing this whole worship thing right?" pressures.

I've got everything held together. I have a little sniffle, but I have it together. And then I hear the opening piano part for "Good Good Father" and I just know that I'm done. I've pretty much decided that Good Good Father is the new "Oceans", and I am 100% ok with that because Good Good Father is just another perfect song. I get through the first verse and chorus totally fine. The worship team was killing it. It was amazing. We get to the second verse and here are the lyrics.

Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word

"You know just what we need before we say a word." This line was where I started to cry. And not just a little tear, but the full on glasses off, uncontrollable, glad I didn't wear make up crying. I felt like I was being selfish for taking this time to always reflect on my own problems and how I can't get pregnant naturally and how it's been a long almost 2 years, but then I realize that if I'm going to help other people, I need to break down. I need to let God piece my heart back together.

And so I stood in silence for the next two chorus' and instrumental.

I literally couldn't sing. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

It wasn't that I didn't believe the words that he's a good good father and that we're loved by him, but I just couldn't take away from the moment. When I stood there hearing the lyrics to this chorus for what could have been the millionth time (because I listen to this song almost daily at this point), it was like God was speaking right into me. "Amanda, I am Good. I love you!"

Now by the time we get to a point I can sing we've got about one more bridge left and then the last verse which goes

You are perfect in all of Your ways
Oh, You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
The last verse is what really did me in. It was like I had written this last verse myself just for this moment in worship. I literally couldn't speak and my thoughts were so thrown off that I couldn't think straight.

So now I have finally gotten it together. I am only crying a little bit, and I decide to open up my bible after I've taken communion while waiting for the sermon to start. I open up to the last page I had bookmarked which was in Isaiah 56. Verses 3-5 say this

 

Let no foreigner who is bound to the Lord say,
    “The Lord will surely exclude me from his people.”
And let no eunuch complain,
    “I am only a dry tree.”

 For this is what the Lord says:

“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
    who choose what pleases me
    and hold fast to my covenant—
 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
    a memorial and a name
    better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
    that will endure forever.

 

I needed the reminder that I am a daughter of God and that he will be there for me not only all the days of my life here on Earth, but for eternity to come!

Even though my day started off in a very emotional way, it really opened up my eyes and heart to new things this week. It really softened my heart and encouraged me to just say "I'm here Lord. Use me for your kingdom! Use my pain to show the world that you are here with us and you are good!" So that is my challenge to you this week. As followers of Christ, let's open our hearts and just pray more to God this week and read more in our bibles. Let's lift each other up rather than tear each other down. Let's keep calm, because God is here with us every second of every day!

 

 

I hope everyone has an uplifted week and that you are able to find encouragement in the season you're in from this blog!

 

God Bless

Amanda

Live Your Story

'"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'- Jeremiah 29:11

Good morning my friends! I hope everyone is enjoying their week so far! I know that I'm having a very good, but long, week this week. Mostly that's because I'm going away with girlfriends this weekend to just relax and enjoy each other's company and I can't wait!!! But I'm also excited because I got a new coloring book and it's been awesome! I know what you're thinking "Amanda, you're really going to do a blog post on a coloring book?"

Just hang in there with me guys.

This adult coloring book (which PS I love that adults get coloring books aimed at them now because as much as I love coloring Disney Princesses, sometimes a girl wants something a little more age appropriate) is called Joy For the Journey, which is obviously why I initially chose it. It was smaller than my current coloring book so I was a little skeptical, but something about the title just caught my eye. This coloring book was just screaming out to me to look at it. I'm SO glad I did because it has all different scriptures (my current book is just the Psalms) and it just was very me.

 

 

The First Page

It is just very simple, but still has a lot of little details that make them awesome! This one has the scripture 1 John 4:8 which says "Those who do not love do not know God because God is love." which was an awesome way to start my night last night. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around why some people are so negative and have so much hatred in their hearts, and then I remember this verse. Those that don't love don't know God, because God is love. When these attacks happen around the world, or people are emotionally attacking others on Facebook, I have to step back and really look at the problem. The problem isn't just that they're bitter, it's that they don't have Jesus. They don't have God on their side.

 

 

 

The Second Page 

I draw so much hope from this page. When I turned the page after finishing my first coloring page and saw the phrase "Live Your Story" I couldn't help but to think of the song My Story by Big Daddy Weave. When I saw them for the first time at Soulfest 2015, this song had just started being played on the radio, so not many people knew it when they started singing it. Me on the other hand? I sang along to every word in the front row. And ironically in the music video they use a typewriter, so that makes it really ironic.

 

My favorite line in the song is "If I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin...Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him".

 

I was chatting with a woman yesterday who also is going through fertility issues almost the exact amount of time I have been, and who happens to be on the same cycle day as I am this cycle, and she was having a hard night. She told me that she has had a hard time with the God factor of her infertility, because why would God allow us to have these diseases and these problems when all our heart desires is a child. The conversation went back and forth, but this song was still stuck in my head "To tell you my story is to tell of Him" and that's what I told her! Maybe God isn't performing those instant miracles because he wants our story to tell of Him and His goodness!

 

I really believe that God is using my diagnosis not to hinder me, but to build me closer to him and to connect with people and show them His love! I have been trying to get pregnant for a little under 2 years, and my faith and trust in God has grown so much in the past 2 years. I never thought this would be our life, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. If putting me through pain and struggles is what it was going to take to trust God fully then I'll take that pain any day!

 

I don't have a HUGE following on my blog (compared to some blogs out there) but I check to see how many people are reading my posts and where they're from. I know that people from the US are reading (since it's where I live and I have friends who read it) but I was SHOCKED to see people all over the world read too! I tried to find every country that read this blog, which actually is impossible because if I look at the "all time views" it only shows me the top 10 viewed countries, so I had to do a little digging, but these were the other countries I found represented in the past few weeks: Russia, Sweden, Canada, Germany, Austria, United Kingdom, Iceland, Netherlands, France, Indonesia, Slovakia, Poland, United Arab Emirates, Columbia, and India. I was absolutely shocked to see all these countries that I'm reaching with my story. Not just my story of infertility, but the amazing grace of God. If I was able to reach one person who might not have heard the love of Jesus, then all the pain and suffering and pills and tests and blood work that goes along with infertility will be worth it.

 

In Matthew 28:19 Jesus says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." and that is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. If Jesus wants me to go out and made disciples of all nations, then that's what I'm going to do. It might not be me physically going to all these different nations, but if I'm able to reach at least 15 countries with the word of God, then I'd say I'm living out that commandment pretty well.

 

I'm going to leave you with one last scripture, the scripture that goes along with my next coloring page "Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130:7

 

God Bless

Amanda

 

 

 

 

When Oceans Rise

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)- Hillsong United

One of the number one worship songs. It has reached the top of the charts. We sing it at church. Pretty much every Christian band has made a cover of this song. But are we as worship leaders listening to the words we're singing? Are we listening with open hearts and open minds and believing the words we're singing? Are our friends sitting at the church hearing our hearts?

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

 

 

Guys, I'm going to have a hard time writing this post. This song really just gets me right in all the feels. Yup. I just said in all the feels.

 

 

God has called us out on the ocean. Matthew 14:28-31 is that call. The disciples on the boat have such little faith and don't believe it is Jesus, and so Peter says "if it's really you Jesus, tell me to come on the water with you." Of course, Jesus says "come on Peter the water's fine!" For those of you who know this story, you know that Peter starts losing faith when he see's the strong winds coming and starts to sink. I know that I, very often, also lose my faith. I know that God is calling me out on the ocean to walk with him, but it can be so easy to just think "No, I'm safe in this boat, why do I have to come walk on the water where there is wind, and sinking, and where I know I will drown??"

 

Guys, we are called to do so much more than sit in the boat.

 

 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

We are all God's children. And He is our heavenly father. No matter what life throws at us, this will never change. "When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace." This is the season I am in now and that I have to remind myself to keep my eyes above the waves in a sense. I can see the storm. I can feel it. I am Peter right now. And yet, here I am, taking those scary steps toward Jesus.

 

 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 

This may arguably be one of my favorite lines in any song ever. I just can't get over how powerful these words are. When I start to sink, when I feel engulfed in the waves, when I let fear overcome my life, there you are, ready to pull me back up. You've never failed and you won't start now. Why would Jesus decide now is the time to let you down? Why would Jesus say "Actually I'm going to let you sink today?" If you feel like you've sunk and Jesus isn't there, you need to evaluate what's going on because those thoughts that Jesus isn't with you is straight from the Devil. Those words are not those of Jesus. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

I really want to take time in the bridge here. The first half of the bridge is one of the most convicting parts of this song and if you're really listening and have your heart open you will start to feel the way I feel when I sing this section. It really is a prayer. Lead me where my trust is without boarders. Do you know how hard that can be? To just trust so openly that there's no way you could ever NOT trust? I know from the outside I lead this life of trusting God whole heartedly, but that just simply isn't true. Do I trust God? Absolutely. Do I think I'm ready to walk upon the waters WHEREVER he calls me? Yup! Would I? Ehhhh.....

Trusting God fully in situations is hard. When life is easy, saying you have full trust in God's plan is so easy, because everything is good. Of course you are going to trust Jesus, he's letting everything go so well right now!

But what about when the storms hit? When someone dies, when you get a diagnosis, when you lose your job. Will you still have the same (if not more) trust in Christ that he will lead you through these bad times? I know it's been quite a road of trusting God these past 2 years of infertility (and only knowing the actual cause for a year). I also know now that God is still good and is still by my side and that I have trust in him because he's called me to this.

 Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 

I'm not sure why yet, but the waters that he has called me to walk upon is infertility. Is it because he wants me to be sad and not have a child? Absolutely not. But maybe he's putting me through this situation for so that I can spend this time getting closer to Him. Isn't that the whole reason we're created, to live and love like Jesus? I wasn't born to go to school, get married, have kids, work, travel, etc. etc. I was born to find Christ and follow him. Everything else is just a gift from him.

Maybe I'm going through this to build up my marriage even more. Strong marriages are built up not because of happiness, but because of faith in Christ, and certainly the past 2 years have been a lot of putting faith in Christ. A baby won't make our marriage stronger (though it could), but ultimately, following Christ will.

Or lastly, maybe I'm called to infertility because it will help you. It will help the man or woman reading this right now to realize they aren't alone. They aren't the only one struggling through this. Or maybe you aren't going through fertility issues, but you have other things going on. You're going through divorce, or you had to foreclose on your house, or maybe someone died suddenly and you aren't sure where to turn. And seeing that I can have faith and trust in God through my hard time can show you that you can too.

God is making me SO much stronger in all of this. That's basically what I'm trying to say with the second half of this bridge. I never thought that infertility would happen to me. I never thought I'd be called to do the things that I do in my every day life, and yet here I am, just following Christ's will for my life.


I know this song can be a lot. It can be a lot to ask someone to trust without boarders, to walk off the edge of our boats and follow Jesus on the water. But yet here we are, being called everyday. Are you following that call? Have you stepped off of the boat?

Today as I sit in my 20th month of trying to get pregnant (pushing 21) I just pray that I am following him. I am jumping off my boat and following his will. I know that I can't control everything. So I'm leaving my fertility issues on that boat and just following Jesus where ever he sends me. Do I hope that he sends me to another boat with a positive pregnancy test? Of course. But even if it's another failed attempt month, I'm going to still go running.

I leave you with this scripture:

"The voice of the LORD is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters." -Psalm 29:3

God Bless,
Amanda

 



Dear Women with PCOS

To the woman with PCOS,

Today was a hard day, wasn't it? Another friend on Facebook shared that they are expecting. You went to the grocery store and every woman you passed either was pregnant or had a child/children. You turned on the TV and "19 Kids and Counting" was on. You change the channel and its "Teen Mom". Your whole world is just surrounded by the one thing you want most. Everywhere you look, it's just baby baby baby. 

If you're like me, you dread going on social media during the holidays because you know that's when all the cute pregnancy announcements are going to happen. You like your 17th picture of an ultrasound with a Santa hat, and wish them a quick "congrats" in the comments, while you secretly are trying not to cry. 

Dear woman, you are not alone. I have walked where you are walking. I have hurt in all the same ways you are hurting. Sadly, I continue to know this pain all too well. I know how hard it is to see people "accidently" get pregnant and question "why them and not me? I'm trying so hard, and they weren't and yet they get the one thing I'd do anything for." Don't beat yourself up over this. Every child is a miracle, whether you and I can see that or not. The woman who is in an abusive situation pregnant with her 6th child and lives off of food stamps might not think their child is a miracle because it "just happened" but that child is. And our children, which may take years to come, will be just as much of a miracle as theirs are. 

I wish someone had told me when I got married that getting pregnant doesn't just happen. Sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't. If you were lucky enough to get pregnant your first month trying, or on your honeymoon, I hope you realize how lucky you are. For me, I didn't know this, but it was unrealistic. It wasn't until I was married a year that I even knew something was wrong. I knew you were suppose to have 28 day cycles, but when you're in college and only having 4 periods a year, that didn't sound so bad. I could have had a diagnosis 5 years ago, but didn't go to the doctors. I also had doctors for 2 years tell me it was just stress from planning a wedding, moving, work, etc. 

Ladies, please, if you are having irregular periods, please please please see your doctor. Finding out early makes this all easier because when the time does come to try and have a baby, you'll know up front, not a year into it. 

If you are struggling with infertility, PCOS, anything, I really sincerely want you to know that I am here for you to talk whenever you need someone to just cry to. If you need someone who just gets it, I'm just a message/text/phone call away. You are not alone. 

To the Man behind the Woman,

Men, you have no idea what your support means to your woman. We know that you have no idea what we're talking about half the time. We know that you really don't want to hear all the details of the first 5-10 days of our cycle. But you listen. You listen with open ears and open hearts and just let us talk. 

PCOS is so hard on us women, and having a strong leader in the home makes going through it that much better. Knowing that after we see that pregnancy announcement, or getting that phone call from a relative, that you are there with open arms to just hold us and say "we'll have our miracle" is what we need. 

I have no way of thanking you men for all you do for us. The little things. The words of encouragement. The reminder that God is still working on us and loves us even when we can't see it is exactly why God put you men in our lives. It takes a strong woman to go through PCOS, but an even stronger man to stand beside her and fight with her.

Ladies and Gents, I hope you're encouraged today, and I leave you with this 

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

God bless you this day and everyday!

Amanda 

Faith

Good morning from a very cold New Hampshire. When I left for work today it was 7 degrees out. I am not a fan of the cold, especially when it's THAT cold. But yet here I am, at work, processing checks and printing out reports for clients, with the sweet sound of instrumental versions of some of my favorite Christian songs play in the background. As I'm chatting with a few friends, I realize that I just need to write. Today, as much as I love my readers, this writing is for me.

 

This hasn't been the easiest of weeks. I found out before Christmas that a guy from my old church had passed away. I am still pretty numb to it. He helped with the drama shows that my mom participated in every year for 10 years. He had a son. He had a life. It really does show that you never know when your last day, or someone else's last day, could be. I don't want to say live each day like it's your last, because if we all did that, well then we'd never work, and we'd all be at Disney World right now. But I will say this. Don't stop living your life.

 

I know we all have our days/weeks/months/years where we just feel down. I know I have those days a lot. Days where I just feel defeated. Days where I'm not living my life. I'm going to work, doing my desk job, coming home, watching TV, then going to bed. I'm not trying to be mean or offensive, but what kind of life is that? I know on those days when I just do my "regular routine" they can be some of my hardest emotional days. Just laying on the couch watching reality shows for hours isn't how I want to be remembered. I want to be remembered as the woman who went out and did something. The woman who was active physically and spiritually.

 

What am I going to do TODAY that starts my path of a life worth remembering? Well, for starters, as much as I'd love to go home and finish the last few episodes I have left in Gilmore Girls, I think I'll go and read. Read my bible, read my Laura Story book, read my Brant Hansen book. Maybe I'll plug in a relaxing playlist on spotify and just pray. Or do some yoga. Or exercise. Yes, I just said I might go home and exercise. I know. Crazy.

 

So where is all this coming from you might ask? Well, I was on new medicine last Tuesday-Saturday and let me tell you, it's been messing with my emotions. I am on cycle day 96 and hopefully this medicine is going to get me back to day 1 and back on clomid! I have been feeling kind of crummy today physically so I'm hoping that the medicine is working! But being pumped with medicines really can get me emotional, as many of you probably know from knowing me in real life. Hormones being put into your body that aren't normally there definitely can make you emotional. And the clomid that I'll hopefully start taking this week will be no different.

 

As 2016 is starting, I knew I needed to do something different this year. I needed to keep my eyes fixed on God. But how? In a world with such negativity, in my own selfish mind, how was I going to be able to focus less on myself, my worries, my desires, and focus on Christ?

 

Faith

This year, I have chosen to have a word. A word to focus on and try to find every day of the year. I have a friend who for the past few years has found a new word to focus on each year, and because I'm a copy cat, I'm doing the same. That's where faith comes in. What word could be more fitting to focus on and to find in my daily life for 2016?  Let me give you a few reasons as to why I chose faith.

 

-Mark 10:52" "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road."

 If a blind man can have faith in someone he can not see to give him sight, than surely I can trust in God, whom I can not physically see, to give me sight, that is to see him. But also in the physical sense, this man who was blind his whole life had faith in Jesus and was given the ability to see. Surely if my faith is in Christ and not of this world, my faith can heal me as well.

 

-Matthew 17:20 "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.""
How crazy is this to think of? Do we really have so much as a mustard seed of faith to call upon Christ? We aren't to test God and say "well if you're real than do this" but we are told to have such faith in him that we can confidently say to a mountain "move" and it will. That mountain for me, is getting pregnant. I should have such faith in God that I can say, I will get pregnant this year. But then doubt and fear comes trickling in, and Satan just tries his hardest to hold his grip on me. 2016 is the year I stop letting fear stand in my way of saying "Hey, see that mountain? I'm going to move it with God by my side!"

 

-Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"

This pretty much wraps up the Mark 10 and Matthew 17 verses into one very short and precise verse. I have loved this verse for a long time. It is the verse that is on the front of my bible holder. I see it every day. And yet it's taken me 3 years to really listen to the words and understand what it's saying. We need faith to be confident. We need faith to help assure ourselves of the things we can't see. I need this faith when it comes to every aspect of my day, and really, of my life.

 

For years I have wanted to get a tattoo that says "With Faith Comes Hope" and just haven't found the time to get one, haven't had the money, or have second guessed where I would get it or if I really wanted it to begin with. I think that 2016 is the year I'm going to get it. I have been wanted to get it with a daffodil, but that might change. If you recall one of my original posts about the Thrive tree from Casting Crowns, I think that tree really could look nice with "With Faith Comes Hope" but we'll see. But this is the year I get it. This is the year that I have faith so strong that nothing can stop me, and that God will provide. Not because he has to, but because he loves me, and I know he wants to!

 

Have a blessed day, and a faithful 2016!

Amanda