The Future of This Blog

I don't want to stop blogging. Can't stop, won't stop. I will however be taking a break from blogging about our infertility journey.

I know. That's the whole reason I started this blog.

As we are drawing closer to our IUI and could very soon be pregnant, I don't want people expecting to see the "it failed we're doing another IUI" post, or I DON'T post that and you figure out quite quickly that I am pregnant.

I don't want to keep you out of the loop, but I think for now I will be focusing my writing on other aspects of my life. Right now it seems like this IUI is running our lives, but I do have other things going on that I will primarily focus this blog on for a few months or so.

It will be so hard not to blog if some amazing news happens, and it'll be equally as hard not to blog if nothing happens, but I have many friends and family who keep up with this blog on a regular basis and I don't want to post something on here and then some long lost person of the internet finds something out before I have a chance to tell the people around me.

So, with that being said, I do have some fun things that I have planned going forward with this blog.

A few weeks ago I fell into a really bad place. I spent a whole Saturday just crying and not being able to stop. I couldn't get out of bed. Depression had hit me. Between having to make all of those calls to Caremark and dealing with them, and starting Letrozole for the first time (and having my first ovulation medicine in my system in almost 5 months) I just couldn't take it. It was a low moment. And it was in those moments I realized what I needed. I didn't need to keep pressing "Watch Next Episode" on Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I didn't need to keep playing games of Spider Solitaire. I didn't even need to go and have a drink. I needed what I always need.

I needed Jesus.

So I called up my best friend, and she instantly said "of course I'll go out with you." So we went to Barnes and Noble(yes we still have a book store near us) and I picked out a new bible. I've had the one I bring to church for years, and I still use it for Sunday Worship. But I made a commitment to God that day. I decided between now and the day that Baby Hyde is born, I will read through the bible cover to cover. I will use this new bible as a clean slate and I have a notebook I won on Instagram I'll be using to take lots of notes throughout the next season of my life. 

I could have 10 months to finish, a year, 5 years. But I want my life to be devoted to Christ, and to raise my children in a Christ centered home. So for me, that means reading and journaling from Genesis to Revolation. 

Each book of the bible I will do a blog post on, so be on the lookout for how each of these books is transforming my life and relationship with God, my family and friends, and husband! 

So keep us in your prayers through these next weeks and months and hopefully we will have a miracle in our near future!

Xoxo

Amanda

The Post Written On Hold

I can't even begin to write this post. It's been the hardest two days emotionally that I think I've had the past two years of trying to get pregnant. I've been pretty low when I see that negative test, or when I start a new cycle, but man today has been the worst day. Let me fill you in.

I started my not so monthly friend yesterday after taking medicine to kick start so that we can start our IUI. I was so excited. I've been so joyous and excited for the past few weeks since hearing we'd be doing an IUI. Yesterday, as per doctors orders, I called to tell them it was day 1 and that I needed to schedule day 3 blood work and ultrasound just to make sure my body is ready to go for this months crazy medicine and procedures. I called, they called back leaving a message "We have a prior authorization on the Ovidrel (the trigger shot that I'll do in a few weeks) but I'm not sure if that's approved yet, but I know the Letrozol is all set."

I'll give you a hint. The Letrozol is NOT all set.

Between yesterday and today, I've probably made about 15 phone calls. Yesterday morning I couldn't even find a phone number for Caremark, so I googled, like every sane person does. Found out it was part of CVS pharmacy, so I called my local CVS where I've been getting prescriptions for years. Guess what, they don't have it. They say to call Caremark, but don't have a number for them, that it's on the back of my insurance card.

I'll give you a hint. It's not on the back of the insurance card.

Next step is calling my insurance provider to hopefully talk to them to get connected to Caremark. Which happens. After a lot of back and forth with them, they finally get me the number for Caremark. I'm half way through getting through to them (which is a whole hassle in itself to talk to a person) when I got a call on the other line from my boss, so I hung up.

Time to start the process over. Again.

Finally, I talk to a real human. I rejoice. I do a happy dance at my desk. I think, "Maybe I'm just getting worried over nothing!" Nope thought too soon. The first woman I talked to was very sweet, got all the information she needed, said that pending approval from the doctor that the medicine would be to me in 5 business days.

Woah woah woah. First of all, back up a few paragraphs where it said "the Letrozol is all set and the Ovidrel was still waiting on the prior approval". So I told them I'd call the doctor to approve it, and then I'd call to have it rush shipped because I needed it by day 3.

Thus began my back and forth between the Dr's office and Caremark. Because the doctor says they have sent the prescription into them to have sent to me, and Caremark says they only have one. It was a long day yesterday and the doctor said "Let's just give it the night and call first thing tomorrow to see if everything went through"

Since I'm writing this post, you can probably assume that things didn't go through.

This morning I called Caremark to check and see what was going on. I was on the phone for 25 minutes with them (mostly on hold or being transferred to a different department) just to be sent back to my local CVS who, guess what, don't have my prescription.

This is the part of my story where I lose it.

I cried. I texted Mike asking if we really wanted to have kids, because I feel like a failure and defeated right now. I cried. I snapchatted my closest friends saying I felt defeated. I posted on facebook needing scripture and quotes. My TTC Instagram Tribe was right there to comfort me, as only women going through infertility can do.

I picked myself up, and called Caremark back. Thankfully the woman I talked to this time was extremely nice. Even if she had to deliver the news that after two days of this frankly bullS***, that Caremark didn't have a prescription either!

I'm. Fuming.

So I call the Doctor. Again. And in the nicest, non threatening way say "Listen they say they don't have the prescription at Caremark. I need you to call it into them and get this figured out. Call me back at my work number."

Which they did call me back. And said that the Ovidrel prescription had the Letrozol on it as well!!! But that they would try to send it into the local pharmacy rather than through Caremark and would call me back.

WHY DIDN'T WE SEND IT LOCALLY TO BEGIN WITH.

This is where my story ends for now at 11:33 am EST. No word on whether I'll have a prescription to take tomorrow or not. I feel forgotten. I feel defeated. The hope I've had the past few weeks is gone. It's not how I wanted to start this cycle. And yet here I am. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say "everything will be ok". I'm human. I have real emotions, and feel hopeless. I continue to just pray that this works. That all of this isn't for nothing.

Baby Hyde, you are loved so much before you are even created. You have so many people rooting for you. Your Heavenly Father is forming you to be such a wonderful child of God. Mommy and Daddy can't wait to know you someday.

Also you better be pretty dang cute after all of this.

Blessings, Peace, and Love,
Amanda

UPDATE (Thursday 6/16)

Praise the sweet lord!!!! I just got the phone call from CVS saying that my prescription is ready for pick up!!!! I can't even begin to contain my joy.

UPDATE (Monday 6/20)

It has been 5 days since my original heart breaking calls to Caremark. I am on day 4 of 5 of my Letrozole so the emotions and hot flashes are starting to take over, but I noticed on Friday that my account still had an order for the Letrozole. I called to see why it was on my online account when I had already picked it up at CVS, not even had it shipped through Caremark, and the man on the other end of the phone said "Oh there's nothing on your account so it probably just hasn't been updated"

Because I'm a smart young woman, I saw that the date it was going to start being processed was today, the 20th, so I said "I'm going to call first thing Monday morning to make sure this is all taken care of." So I call as soon as I get to work, and the nice man on the other end of the phone said "I don't see that order number on your account so you're all set."

Something told me to call back. So a few hours later (about 11 AM) I call back. I give this next man my information. I swear I should just state my name birthday and address to start off with since I know that's what they're going to ask for every single time. He says "I don't see this medicine on your account but maybe it isn't classified as a specialty medicine (where I had been calling the past few times). He sent me to a woman in just their normal pharm. department. She see's the prescription right there on her screen and says "Well you have the ovidrel scheduled to be dropped off at your house tomorrow, and the Letrozole is currently being dispensed.

Excuse me what? Last week you couldn't find that prescription so I had to run around like a mad woman to get it through my pharmacy rather than through them so what gives??

I told her it needed to be canceled and that I need to be refunded the money on my account. She asked why, and I very, semi-politely, informed her that last week they couldn't find this prescription so I had to call back and forth half a dozen times between them and my RE to get the prescription filled through a local pharmacy and not mailed out. I told her I have already been taking the medicine, and that I only needed 5 days of medicine, not the 90 days supply that they were in the process of shipping to me,

Yes, you heard that right. 90. Day. Supply. That's 18 cycles of pills. A year and a half supply. What?? Where the heck did they get the idea that I needed 18 months of pills????

Any ways, after spending a long time on hold (shocker, I know) the woman informs me that they have contacted the department to stop the order but that there is no guarantee that the order will be stopped. If the order isn't stopped, when it arrives at my house, I'm not to open the box and to call them and ask them if I can ship it back since I will not be using it.

I can guarantee you if it gets shipped to my house they will not take it back.

I told her I would call back this afternoon to get an update on what's happening and she said "Oh I would wait at least until tomorrow afternoon to call and see what's happened, it can take a while for these orders and requests to be processed."

You can bet your butt that when I get out of work at 3 today I will be calling and getting this taken care of. If it takes almost two full days to get an order prepped and ready, they can stop it in that time.

I am frustrated. I am quite frankly pissed off. I don't want to have to keep dealing with all of this bologna with the medicine. Although, if this IUI doesn't work, I'll have plenty of medicine to take the following month! *insert a video of me rolling my eyes for an hour here*

UPDATE (6/20 12:07 PM)

My bank account no longer shows a pending transaction, and my online order shows it is being canceled. Let's see if this sticks.

Answering the Hard Questions

I figured I'd give an update, answer some questions I know people have been either wondering or asked, and really just keeping everyone in the loop.

What are our next steps? Didn't you just have an appointment with your RE?

Why yes, we did just have our appointment with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) on Monday. After looking at all of my blood work and tests (which by the way all came back great except for the whole PCOS thing) and looking at Mike's test (everything is looking good on his end as well) we have decided to go with doing a cycle with Intrauterine insemination (IUI). When we went to the RE's, we were expecting to only be doing a medicated cycle like we had been doing before, and I was pretty excited to hear that she wanted to take it to the next step and do the IUI. 

What in the heck is an IUI?

So the IUI is going to give us a higher chance of pregnancy. Rather than just taking the medicine to make me ovulate, I will be taking the medicine to ovulate, I'll be monitored to see exactly when my eggs are mature, Mike gets to give me a trigger shot of hCG to get the ovulation process moving, and then they'll do the procedure 24-48 hours later. Where In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is taking the eggs out, and making the embryo outside of the body, IUI is injecting like a turkey baster (Thank you Jane the Virgin for making IUI a household name).

*Also side note, this procedure, especially because of my age, the medicine I'm going to be taking, and the amount of eggs I have has a higher percentage of resulting in multiples*

So, how are you dealing with all of this Amanda?

Great question. I have no idea. I'm excited to have answers (mostly good), and a plan going forward. I'm happy that we are one step closer to becoming pregnant. It's all every new to me, but the idea that I actually could be pregnant after 2 of the longest years ever? That's what's making it all worth it. I'm scared for it not to work. After now almost 5 months of not being concerned with trying since I don't ovulate on my own, I don't want to get myself worked up and so overly hopeful that this will be it. I don't want the past 5 months to be for nothing. I want this to work. But how am I going to deal with that heart break AGAIN?

And yet, how am I going to deal with actually being pregnant?? The idea of actually being pregnant somewhat frightens me. Not because I'm not ready to be a mother, but after all this time of waiting and trying and tests and countless days and nights crying and praying, what if I'm not up to it? What if something happens? The joy that I've been wanting for so long can just as easily be taken away. And I'm not sure how I would handle that emotionally, especially after waiting and trying and praying for so long.

When does all this kick off?

Well, I'm currently taking Provera to get the next cycle started (probably by next Wednesday if I had to guess) and then we'll be on our way! I'll be spending a lot of time driving the 25 minutes to the RE office for blood work, ultra sounds, and then ultimately the procedure (if I can even call it that. It's a very easy process). From starting my Provera to going in for blood work to see if I'm pregnant, should be about 35 or so days! It's absolutely mind blowing to me that in a little more than a month, I could be pregnant. *See previous paragraph about my holy crap I could actually be pregnant soon freak out*

Wait, so you won't be getting pregnant the natural way? Is that against your religion or something?

Mike and I had a conversation in the car on the way home from the RE on Monday about this. Is it how we would have expected our story to go when we got married? Not at all. Is it possible that we could get pregnant without the medicine, the procedures, the shots, the invasiveness of it all? I would never doubt God to say that it's impossible, but it would be highly unlikely. Aren't there some churches that don't believe in this sort of thing? Yes. Yes there are. Our personal beliefs however are that God wouldn't have created people in his image to become doctors to learn new procedures and find new ways to help people in my situation to get pregnant if he didn't want us to use those ways. Just like with Cancer doctors, they were put here to save lives. My RE was put here to CREATE lives!!!

How can we be praying for you as you move forward?

We could use all the prayers we can get right now. Between my already emotional self who cries at commercials, I'm undoubtedly going to be very emotional over the next month or so. Praying for those emotions to not consume my life would be great, but also for Mike's sanity. I know it's easy in this part of the process to be praying just for myself that the procedure works and that I get pregnant, but I wouldn't be half the person I am if it wasn't for the support of my husband and he could use prayers through this time too. Even though the process is physically happening in my body, he has to deal with a lot of other things on top of this. Putting up with me is a full time job in itself BEFORE adding hormones into my body, and he actually works a full time job on top of that! So praying for Mike as he "watches from the sidelines" sort of speak and that he is able to be a strong support for the next month as I go through being poked and prodded and injected and wait.

My biggest prayer request is just to see God throughout all of this. It's hard to see what the purpose of all this waiting has been. It's hard to know WHY we haven't gotten pregnant yet, and it's even harder to not be angry or doubt God. I think we're both in a very vulnerable place where it would be so easy to just say "God you aren't giving me the desires of my heart, why can't you just________" and that is Satan trying to take over. So be praying for our spiritual well being.


Well, I think that's really all I have to say for now! We are so excited to be starting on a new chapter of this infertility journey. If you aren't already, feel free to follow my Instagram page dedicated just to this chapter of our lives @amandasttc or if you're my friends from Instagram (Hey guys! Love you!) feel free to add me on facebook!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

XOXO
Amanda

If Our God Is For Us...

 Psalm 37: 1-7;

Don’t worry about the wicked
    or envy those who do wrong.

For like grass, they soon fade away.
    Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

 

Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

 

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

 

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

 

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
    or fret about their wicked schemes.

 

 

I went out seeking verse 4. I knew the words by heart. "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." I love those words. They give me such hope, and they are some of those "Words to live by" scripture. But as easy as it is to memorize one line of scripture and take it out of context and say "wow these two sentences are amazing", I've been trying really hard to read the whole chapter, or at lest the few surrounding verses to get the context of the scripture I've had memorized for years.

Man, was I glad I looked at the scripture around these words.

Verse 5 is another "feel good" verse. "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." I know this verse as well and know it as truth, but something about it just spoke to me today. Am I giving my doctor's visits to God? Am I really giving everything to him? Am I trusting him? The answer, as much as I want to say "Yes I trust God and he is helping me", it's not always the case. I can't say that 100% of the time I trust him. It's hard to fully trust anyone or anything of this earth, especially when you can't see the end results. So that reflects in my relationship with God and that's a struggle. I struggle with trusting God. I haven't always had trust issues with God, but sometimes you feel alone and forgotten about in this journey through infertility.

 

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."

Woah woah woah. Ok God. You know my heart. I'm taking delight in you and you and you're going to give me my hearts desires. Great. But be still? Wait patiently? Are you sure you know who you're talking to? I'm not very good at being still. Even while writing this blog post I've gotten up and gone to the bathroom twice just to get away from the computer for a few minutes. I am always fidgeting and have to keep my hands busy. Maybe patience and being still isn't exactly for me.

Wait patiently for him to act. Isn't that all I've been doing? All I've been doing is waiting patiently for you to act Lord. I've been waiting for over two years for you to act and give us a child. How much longer must I wait??

*At this point I figured maybe I should look up the definition of patience. I've always just looked at is as keeping calm, as I use to be told I have a lot of patience when I worked in child care. However, patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Ok God. I'm listening. *

As I look back over the past two years of waiting patiently, he HAS acted. He has put things into place. It might not be giving us a child right when we started praying, but he acted by giving me the courage to call the first doctor who gave me my diagnosis. He acted by giving me 6 rounds of medicine to figure out that I can be "normal", even thought it didn't result in a child. He gave me courage to call a specialist and to begin that process. I definitely don't have the most patience in the world when it comes to waiting for my child, but I am working on it. And God is working on me, so it's all pretty full circle.

The Power of Prayer

This past week I had the amazing opportunity to spend an evening with our entire worship team just hanging out, eating delicious food, and just getting to know each other. Our church has 3 different campus' so it's hard to get to know the other campus worship teams unless you're like me and singing at two of them.

 

After a good time of fellowship, our worship leader pulled out his guitar and we sang "In God We Trust" and "No Longer Slaves", which were perfect songs for me for the season and the stress I've been going through. After we finished, he opened up the floor for anyone who needed prayer, and I just lost it. I knew a good amount of people there, but not everyone, and certainly not everyone knew before that moment what I was going through.

 

I let it all out. I verbally admitted that I was having trouble trusting God throughout this hard time and how I felt alone. I needed prayer. And Prayer I did get. One of my close friends lead the prayer as the whole group circled around me. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about the prayer she spoke over me. She's been an active part of my story for the past year, and has been one of those friends who I know I can go to with anything, so thank you L for being such a loving friend.

 

One of the things that stuck with me from that night after praying over a few more people was that we need to stop being superficial with each other. We need to stop asking "Hey how's it going?" on a Sunday morning, but to be more blunt and say "Hey Amanda, how's the infertility treatment going?". We need to dive right in and be a real support for each other, actively praying for our Brother's and Sisters who need our love and support.

"If Our God Is For Us..."

I've had the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin stuck in my head all morning this beautiful Spring New England day. "And if our God is for us, than who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, than what can stand against?" This was another truth I needed to hear today. I have felt defeated today. The doctor called to confirm our appointment for Monday to go over test results and said that a few of my husbands test results were never sent in, and that I would need a physical done before they would start a treatment (whether it be just a medicated cycle or IUI or IVF). So now I'm panicking. My mind automatically thinks "Maybe God doesn't want us to have children." "Maybe we aren't suppose to have kids yet. That's why all these things are falling through." But then I remember that God is for me, and to do as it says in Psalm 37 and take delight in the Lord and he'll give us the desires of our heart.

 

Take Delight. Find Peace. Be Patient.

 

I have one last piece of scripture to share with you today. I read the scripture and thought "Wow, this is perfect for the season I'm in right now, but why have I never read it before today??"

 

You know those 6 or so books at the end of the Old Testament that no one remembers or knows any scripture from? Yup. That's where I found this beauty. Right there in the popular book of Habakkuk. How do you even pronounce that?

 

Guys, I fail my God every day. I sin daily and probably don't even know it. I say things like "How do you pronounce that?" about a book in his Holy word! I'm nowhere near perfect.  Clearly this blog is nowhere near perfect. But I recognize that Jesus is the only Perfect one and that I will never be able to compare to him, but I can try to take notes from him and start working on myself to become better and more like him.

Take these words of hope today as we go through life together!

Love you all,
Amanda