Everyday, Facebook has a way of surprising me. Every morning without fail, I wake up to a little notification saying "Your memories with ______, ______, and X amount of people are waiting for you". I'm sure most of you see this on a daily basis, or open up your timehop to see what your life was like in the past how ever many years on this exact day.
Well, this morning Facebook decided to remind me of the days before I was open about my infertility and all I was going through.
Actually, I wasn't open about it because I didn't know.
It was a year ago that I walked into the local hospital and got 8 different tests done and had no idea what was on the other side of those tests. I didn't even know what PCOS meant. I was just going to get blood work to "rule out some things" which as I would come to find out actually ruled them IN. I remember the nurse being so sweet and telling me which vile would go to which test. She also had gone through infertility and was on the other side now having two preteen children. I don't think it registered in my head then that I could be one in eight. I didn't want to believe I was one in eight.
Looking back at the girl I was a year ago, I don't think she ever could have imagined going another year without being pregnant. Heck, at that point I couldn't believe I'd already gone a year and not gotten pregnant. But that was my reality and I was willing to do anything to change it.
Within a few days I got the call saying I had PCOS. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at rehearsal for a play I was in and I had a missed call and I ran off stage and went to the bathroom to call the doctor back. She had a lot of medical terms, other tests she wanted to do, and of course the diagnosis. She said that once my period came again that we would start my first round of clomid to see if it would make me ovulate (which if you've been reading my blogs since last June you'll know they did, but not successful in getting pregnant). So that was another 2 months of waiting.
Looking back I wish I had done all that lab work sooner, but most doctors won't do it until you've been trying for a year. I wish I had gone way before even trying to get pregnant so I could have had answers to all my questions. But such is life and you live and learn. Now I can help other girls to be able to stand up for themselves and get tested whether they've been trying for a year or not. It's so hard to say to a doctor "I really would like to be tested for PCOS, endo, etc" but sometimes it's what we have to do! Even if the tests came back negative, wouldn't you rather rule it out?
As badly as I want a child, infertility has been one of the best things to happen to me. Not only have I been able to help other girls/women going though similar situations, met some amazing women within the TTC community online, but I've also been able to make new friendships and strengthen old friendships in my everyday life! My marriage has grown so much more in the past two years than it probably would have. We've had to go through some really rough times to start out our marriage that most couples don't have to go through, and for that I am so grateful. Having that man to pray with me and be the shoulder I cry on and who listens to all my craziness is the biggest blessing.
Of course the number one reason I'm ok with living with infertility is that it's made me rely on God so much more. I've been way more diligent in prayer than I probably would have been if I had gotten pregnant right off the bat and everything was in my plans. But God's plans are WAY better than mine, as hard as that is to admit, and I just have to keep following those plans. I've definitely taken some detours along the way of God's plan, but I will make it to that destination he has waiting for me!
It took me a little while to open up about my fertility issues, but I am SO glad I finally was upfront and honest about it. For some reason, people would rather stay quiet about their fertility issues, their miscarriages, their PCOS. While that is fine for some, for me that's just not the case. I know myself and I know I need that support and prayer. So thank you to all my readers, friends, family, strangers, and robots (you never know) for all of your support over the past year!
"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:18
God Bless
Amanda
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Our Meeting with IVFNE
So a few days ago, Mike and I had our first appointment with the IVFNE doctors. I am beyond relieved after spending a few hours there. Here's the short of the long of how it went.
We got lost. We went to where iPhone maps thought her office was rather than clicking on the address in the email. Big mistake. Thankfully we were only off by about 5 minutes so that was easily corrected, once we realized that a bank wasn't the IVF office.
Mind you, it's also snowing for the 3rd time this year while we have to drive the 20-30 minutes up there.
So we finally get to the office and check in and meet our amazing doctor. I can't begin to explain how excited I am for however long it's going to take to get pregnant from here going forward because this doctor ACTUALLY CARES. She looked through our medical records and tests that we've both done, asked us a bunch of questions about fertility, any issues we might have had in the past/things going on now. And we actually have a game plan!
Once we're back from Disney we will go ahead and start doing blood work/genetics testing/lots of other testing that I am slightly nervous for but I know I have no reason to be. Then once those tests and a few of Mike's test come back, we will go from there. As of right now she wants to try just a medicated cycle on a similar medicine to the one I was on last year since I responded to it so well. But the best part is that they want to monitor me through it doing ultrasounds and blood tests to make sure I am ovulating and timing things right.
IT'S. A. MIRACLE.
As much as I was hoping that we wouldn't have to get to this point, part of me is so glad we are because I'll be getting the care that I need to see that we actually are doing things right! If this medicated cycle doesn't work the way it should, we may go to an IUI, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I'm so thankful for my support system that I have with my husband, my family, my friends, my internet friends. You guys are all amazing and I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers over the past 2 years (yup, it's been almost two years). This struggle has been long, but someday it will all be worth it when I can say "we did it" and have a cute little baby in our arms.
God Bless
Amanda
We got lost. We went to where iPhone maps thought her office was rather than clicking on the address in the email. Big mistake. Thankfully we were only off by about 5 minutes so that was easily corrected, once we realized that a bank wasn't the IVF office.
Mind you, it's also snowing for the 3rd time this year while we have to drive the 20-30 minutes up there.
So we finally get to the office and check in and meet our amazing doctor. I can't begin to explain how excited I am for however long it's going to take to get pregnant from here going forward because this doctor ACTUALLY CARES. She looked through our medical records and tests that we've both done, asked us a bunch of questions about fertility, any issues we might have had in the past/things going on now. And we actually have a game plan!
Once we're back from Disney we will go ahead and start doing blood work/genetics testing/lots of other testing that I am slightly nervous for but I know I have no reason to be. Then once those tests and a few of Mike's test come back, we will go from there. As of right now she wants to try just a medicated cycle on a similar medicine to the one I was on last year since I responded to it so well. But the best part is that they want to monitor me through it doing ultrasounds and blood tests to make sure I am ovulating and timing things right.
IT'S. A. MIRACLE.
As much as I was hoping that we wouldn't have to get to this point, part of me is so glad we are because I'll be getting the care that I need to see that we actually are doing things right! If this medicated cycle doesn't work the way it should, we may go to an IUI, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
I'm so thankful for my support system that I have with my husband, my family, my friends, my internet friends. You guys are all amazing and I am so thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers over the past 2 years (yup, it's been almost two years). This struggle has been long, but someday it will all be worth it when I can say "we did it" and have a cute little baby in our arms.
God Bless
Amanda
(PS I dyed my hair red for our upcoming trip to Disney. I am Ariel)
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
PCOS: What's Going On?
Good morning everyone!
I want to start off this post by having you fill in these few blank spaces.
"Hello. My name is ______. I know ______ about PCOS"
So what did you fill in for that second spot? Maybe you said you know nothing, little, a lot, or everything. Maybe you have PCOS. Maybe you know someone who has PCOS (Hint: if you're reading this, you know someone with PCOS). Maybe the letters PCOS mean absolutely nothing to you other than they're 4 letters that might mean something.
After looking through my previously written blog posts and getting an overwhelming amount of support on my last post, I realized that although people probably see me post about my infertility issues and PCOS, they probably have no idea what's going on. This can be hard for both you, the reader, and me, the one going through it all.
So let's just get this all out in the open.
PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. The cysts are not harmful in the sense of they are not cancerous, but they do lead to a hormone imbalance, which is why I have such trouble getting pregnant. Now, I'm going to tell you some of the most common symptoms, and if you know me at all, of you have ever even seen a picture of me, you will probably laugh and think "but Amanda you don't have those symptoms." But just hang in there with me. The most common symptoms are acne, weight gain and trouble losing weight, excess hair, thinning hair on the scalp (I know, totally contradicts what I just said), irregular periods, anxiety/depression, and of course fertility problems.
Now, if you go to WebMD or even just do a google search for PCOS, they're going to tell you that the easiest way to be treated for PCOS is to eat healthy and lose weight.
Wait just a second here.
When I was diagnosed with PCOS I weighed in at about 110 lbs. give or take. Now, for my height and age, this was just under the normal BMI range. So here I was, 22 years old, underweight, and told that normally losing weight would help to cure my disease. Now, thankfully I am smart and realized that being under the BMI range for normal probably wasn't helping either, and since then I've put on just under 15 pounds and have been eating much more healthy and have been more active. And yet here I am still suffering from PCOS. This is going to bring me to my biggest pet peeve.
I can NOT just relax and get pregnant!
I hear this so much. "I had issues getting pregnant too. Once I relaxed and stopped worrying about it, bam, I was pregnant. Just relax, have a few glasses of wine, and you'll be fine!"
My blood is boiling just writing that out.
I hear this far too often, or friends/family of mine will say that to them about me. It is just so frustrating. Which is why I'm writing this post. People just don't understand that I have a medical issue and that it's not that I'm just having problems getting pregnant, I physically have a condition that makes it hard for me to get pregnant.
Now, in my first six months of marriage, or really even the first year, I would take that advice! I would really try hard to just relax and hope for the best. But when you don't have a period for 3 1/2 months, that means you don't ovulate, which means YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT.
*Just a slight warning, getting a little medical here. I'm just trying to be informative and help you understand. Let's all be adults.*
Let's all go back to that day in 5th grade when we learned about the human body shall we? Women ovulate around their 14th day of their cycle and release an egg. If intercourse has happened and sperm meets that egg, it creates life, and that egg attaches to your uterus and you become pregnant. If sperm doesn't meet the egg, it gets released and you have your period. Now, if you're like me and can't release an egg on your own, you can't get pregnant no matter how much you "relax and let it happen".
And this is where that beautiful medicine called Clomid comes in. Clomid is a fertility drug that made me release an egg for ovulation. It also came with horrible side effects (mostly hot flashes, cramps, and massive amounts of hormones). The 6 months I took clomid (June-September 2015 and January-February 2016) I actually ovulated like a normal woman and had normal cycles. But even with that, I had to take my temperature every day to see when I would actually ovulate, take lots of tests to go along side with the temping, and had to literally chart every symptom along the way, just to make sure that I actually was ovulating.
This goes completely against that "Relax and you'll get pregnant" theory you thought would help, doesn't it?
So where do we all go from here? For us, we have our first consultation at IVF New England on the 21st to meet with a specialist (who came highly recommended by friends going through similar situations, and friends who have been through this and come out the other side with precious little ones). I wasn't expecting to be able to get in so quickly, but I'm so excited to hopefully get some more answers! After spending pretty much the past year hearing "just take this pill good luck" it's nice to know that we'll be seeing someone on a regular basis who actually wants to see us succeed in becoming parents!
Now for you the reader, my friends and family and random people of the internet, I hope that this helps you to understand; understand my struggles, why I have to do some of the things I do, why I can't do some other things I want to do, and that this is a real issue, not just that we've been trying for a little while. There is a real problem, a real diagnosis, and I am a real person living with this day in and day out.
I know a lot of my friends often times will say "I don't want to be rude by asking this" or "hey can you tell me more about your diagnosis? If you don't want to you don't have to". I am ALWAYS wanting to share more about my diagnosis and help other people either understand what's going on with me, or help women who may also have PCOS but aren't open about it like I am. One in Ten woman has PCOS, and One in Five woman have troubles getting pregnant. Why is it that so many women struggle with this, and yet none of us ever talk about it??
I know this is a little more blunt and up close and personal than my normal blog posts, but I really think these things needed to be said. Even though I post about my fertility issues often on social media, I guess I never really thought about if the person reading on the other side of the screen really knew what was going on. So thank you for sticking through this post with me.
I want to leave you with this piece of scripture
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" -Philippians 4:13
-Amanda
I want to start off this post by having you fill in these few blank spaces.
"Hello. My name is ______. I know ______ about PCOS"
So what did you fill in for that second spot? Maybe you said you know nothing, little, a lot, or everything. Maybe you have PCOS. Maybe you know someone who has PCOS (Hint: if you're reading this, you know someone with PCOS). Maybe the letters PCOS mean absolutely nothing to you other than they're 4 letters that might mean something.
After looking through my previously written blog posts and getting an overwhelming amount of support on my last post, I realized that although people probably see me post about my infertility issues and PCOS, they probably have no idea what's going on. This can be hard for both you, the reader, and me, the one going through it all.
So let's just get this all out in the open.
PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. The cysts are not harmful in the sense of they are not cancerous, but they do lead to a hormone imbalance, which is why I have such trouble getting pregnant. Now, I'm going to tell you some of the most common symptoms, and if you know me at all, of you have ever even seen a picture of me, you will probably laugh and think "but Amanda you don't have those symptoms." But just hang in there with me. The most common symptoms are acne, weight gain and trouble losing weight, excess hair, thinning hair on the scalp (I know, totally contradicts what I just said), irregular periods, anxiety/depression, and of course fertility problems.
Now, if you go to WebMD or even just do a google search for PCOS, they're going to tell you that the easiest way to be treated for PCOS is to eat healthy and lose weight.
Wait just a second here.
When I was diagnosed with PCOS I weighed in at about 110 lbs. give or take. Now, for my height and age, this was just under the normal BMI range. So here I was, 22 years old, underweight, and told that normally losing weight would help to cure my disease. Now, thankfully I am smart and realized that being under the BMI range for normal probably wasn't helping either, and since then I've put on just under 15 pounds and have been eating much more healthy and have been more active. And yet here I am still suffering from PCOS. This is going to bring me to my biggest pet peeve.
I can NOT just relax and get pregnant!
I hear this so much. "I had issues getting pregnant too. Once I relaxed and stopped worrying about it, bam, I was pregnant. Just relax, have a few glasses of wine, and you'll be fine!"
My blood is boiling just writing that out.
I hear this far too often, or friends/family of mine will say that to them about me. It is just so frustrating. Which is why I'm writing this post. People just don't understand that I have a medical issue and that it's not that I'm just having problems getting pregnant, I physically have a condition that makes it hard for me to get pregnant.
Now, in my first six months of marriage, or really even the first year, I would take that advice! I would really try hard to just relax and hope for the best. But when you don't have a period for 3 1/2 months, that means you don't ovulate, which means YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT.
*Just a slight warning, getting a little medical here. I'm just trying to be informative and help you understand. Let's all be adults.*
Let's all go back to that day in 5th grade when we learned about the human body shall we? Women ovulate around their 14th day of their cycle and release an egg. If intercourse has happened and sperm meets that egg, it creates life, and that egg attaches to your uterus and you become pregnant. If sperm doesn't meet the egg, it gets released and you have your period. Now, if you're like me and can't release an egg on your own, you can't get pregnant no matter how much you "relax and let it happen".
And this is where that beautiful medicine called Clomid comes in. Clomid is a fertility drug that made me release an egg for ovulation. It also came with horrible side effects (mostly hot flashes, cramps, and massive amounts of hormones). The 6 months I took clomid (June-September 2015 and January-February 2016) I actually ovulated like a normal woman and had normal cycles. But even with that, I had to take my temperature every day to see when I would actually ovulate, take lots of tests to go along side with the temping, and had to literally chart every symptom along the way, just to make sure that I actually was ovulating.
This goes completely against that "Relax and you'll get pregnant" theory you thought would help, doesn't it?
So where do we all go from here? For us, we have our first consultation at IVF New England on the 21st to meet with a specialist (who came highly recommended by friends going through similar situations, and friends who have been through this and come out the other side with precious little ones). I wasn't expecting to be able to get in so quickly, but I'm so excited to hopefully get some more answers! After spending pretty much the past year hearing "just take this pill good luck" it's nice to know that we'll be seeing someone on a regular basis who actually wants to see us succeed in becoming parents!
Now for you the reader, my friends and family and random people of the internet, I hope that this helps you to understand; understand my struggles, why I have to do some of the things I do, why I can't do some other things I want to do, and that this is a real issue, not just that we've been trying for a little while. There is a real problem, a real diagnosis, and I am a real person living with this day in and day out.
I know a lot of my friends often times will say "I don't want to be rude by asking this" or "hey can you tell me more about your diagnosis? If you don't want to you don't have to". I am ALWAYS wanting to share more about my diagnosis and help other people either understand what's going on with me, or help women who may also have PCOS but aren't open about it like I am. One in Ten woman has PCOS, and One in Five woman have troubles getting pregnant. Why is it that so many women struggle with this, and yet none of us ever talk about it??
I know this is a little more blunt and up close and personal than my normal blog posts, but I really think these things needed to be said. Even though I post about my fertility issues often on social media, I guess I never really thought about if the person reading on the other side of the screen really knew what was going on. So thank you for sticking through this post with me.
I want to leave you with this piece of scripture
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" -Philippians 4:13
-Amanda
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Our Next Steps
"Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I
call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher
than I." Psalm 61:1-2
"Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea"
Psalm 61:8 has always been one of my favorite pieces of scripture ("Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after day."). I found this the day after my grandmother passed away. My 19th birthday. I was flipping through my bible and was just crying out to God "I need you to give me what my heart needs." And that's where Psalm 61:8 came into my life. I've always had that verse in the back of my head.
So when I googled "Scripture about Guidance" and Psalm 61:1-2 came up, I had to almost do a double take. A short Psalm (only 8 verses) that I've read through probably 1000 times and I'd never really comprehended it. I've gone back through and read it and read it and read it. I can't even begin to describe what it means to me, in a completely different circumstance almost 5 years later. Why you may ask?
It's Day One.
Again.
You would think after two years, one diagnosis, six rounds of medicine, and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests I would be use to this; use to the disappointment. And yet every month, I'll say right before "I'd be ok if I wasn't pregnant because _______." That blank got filled in so many times with so many different things. It started out with "it's only our first month trying." Then progressed to "It's our first month on Clomid, I just want to know if the medicine does what it's suppose to." And then recently it was "We'll go to a specialist if we're not pregnant this month and get more answers."
We've been praying and hoping that the Clomid would be enough. It does it's job perfectly. For the 6 cycle's I've taken it, I've known each month exactly when I ovulated (even when the apps and tests didn't agree), and I've gotten to know my body so well. Clomid has an 80%
success rating of making you ovulate (woohoo I fell into that
percentile) and then a 50% of conceiving within the first 6 months (not
woohoo). So why aren't we pregnant? Why didn't it work? Why couldn't we be one of those 50%?
I ask why a lot.
This cycle had been the best one I'd had. My symptoms from Clomid weren't as bad as they had been in the past. I felt way more happy and uplifted the whole month. Even though I wasn't sure either way if I was pregnant or not, I felt good about this month. I caved and took an .89$ test Friday which was negative, but I still didn't give up hope. But this morning I just knew. I knew this month was done, and that we'd have to take the next steps.
So the next steps? We will be going to a specialist who deals with infertility and PCOS and all of the great things we've been dealing with. If I had to guess, we'll probably be doing an IUI in the next few months, and I'm totally ok with that. I just need answers to why. I thought that having a diagnosis would help answer those questions, and it started to, but I still feel like I have no idea what's going on.
So in the mean time, I won't be doing another round of Clomid. We leave for Disney World four weeks from today (WOO), so I'm not sure if we'll be going in to see the specialist before that or not, but part of me wants to wait until we are back from vacation so we don't have to be worrying about tests or things like that. But then yet again, not having answers before vacation could make things hard. So we'll see what happens.
As I've been writing this, I've been listening to my "Top Christian" playlist on Spotify (linked if you want to check it out). Each song that has come on has just hit me like a ton of bricks. Good Good Father, When I'm With You, and How Can It Be were just what I needed. Lots of promises from God. But then one song came on and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. I haven't been able to stop crying. It is Well by Bethel. A very close friend of mine, who also happens to be one of the worship pastors at our church, introduced me to this song a while back and I thought "Wow this is really pretty, I'll add it to my list."
I didn't know how much I'd need this song until it came on my list.
"Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea"
I've been replaying this line over and over and over. It can be so hard to give up faith that God will provide. But this line just brings it all back for me. "The mountain will be thrown into the midst of the sea." This isn't just a cleaver line, but words that Jesus was preaching in Mark 11:23-24. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself
into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what
they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
Now, notice Jesus didn't say "and it will be yours this very second." or "After that one prayer, you'll get this." Jesus is not a magic genie who comes and grants you three wishes. He's not a star you wish upon, or a good luck charm. Jesus was a man who walked among men. He was flesh and bone like you and I. He may have been man, but he IS the son of God and performed miracles. Even to this day, Jesus is performing miracles. They may not be as "big" as raising a man back from the dead, but miracles do still happen for those who pray diligently.
As much as I wish I could pray "Lord, make me pregnant" I just can't. I know that isn't realistic for us. I have faith in God, but our story probably isn't one that will be answered "You want it, you got it now." Instead, I've been praying, and will continue to pray "Lord, give us wisdom and guidance on how to become pregnant. Show us how to overcome infertility. Allow the right Doctors and medicine and procedures to help us." My prayers could go on and on about our infertility.
So today, as I have spent most of my day in bed, upset and down, I just am thankful that tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new week, that I serve a great God that I can lean on during these difficult times, and that He gave me a husband who is kind and understanding and comforts me so well during these hard days.
Stay Hopeful, Keep Faith, and Love Greatly,
Amanda
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Letters
To my Husband,
Thank you so much for being by my side in this battle of infertility for nearly 2 years now. When we got married, we had no idea this would be the struggle ahead of us, but I just thank God for it everyday because we have grown so much closer to each other because of our struggles. I wouldn't have wished infertility on us. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But because of PCOS and all the tests, the blood work, the ultrasounds, the joys, the sorrows, and all those stupid little pills, we have been growing closer to each other, and closer to God.
Our first year together was certainly much different than the last 2. Our first year, we were so full of happiness and joy every day, planning for our future, making wedding arrangements, talking about what we would name our kids, and where we wanted to live. All of that slowly faded away and made way for new discussions. Those smiles that were plastered on our faces to the point of making my face hurt still show up, but a lot of those happy discussions we'd had before getting married now are topics I don't even want to think about. Thinking about what we want to name our children can hurt, because I thought we'd already have those kids with us by now. Laughing about what we could make our nursery theme just breaks my heart. What if that day never comes?
But here we are. 2 years into infertility and we still find reasons to smile. Through every emotional break down, every hot flash (that never seem to go away!), every side effect, every symptom that "could be a sign of pregnancy" but never is, and through every moment of doubt and fear, you're there. You are always there for me to ramble on about these things to, to hold me when I can't stop crying, to comfort me when I get angry and ask "why us?". You always have a strong face, and always hold me up when I'm down. I hope you know that I am there when the days are hard on you too. I love you.
To my Family,
You guys have been with me since day 1. You know who I am inside and out. I've told you about my infertility since day 1, and you've been some of my biggest supporters. My parents, my parents-in-law, my brothers/sisters in law, my aunts and uncles, my grandpa. I don't know how I could make it through these days without having your love. You've prepared me for the hard times in such a way that I was able to tackle them on head first and with strong faith. I can't begin to describe your love for me, and how you pray for me daily and keep me lifted up. Those prayers are felt, and I am so proud to call you my family.
To my Best Friends,
You have no idea what it means to me to be able to share this journey with you. Some of you have been there since day one of Mike and I meeting, some of you came into our lives a little later in this process, but you guys are my rocks. I know you have my back every single day, and no matter what I can call/text/facebook/send a carrier pigeon to and you'll always answer.
I know a lot of you have your own struggles, whether it be fertility related or not, so the fact that you take the time out of your own emotional break downs to be there for me, to comfort me, to make me laugh, to cry along side me, means the absolute world. I hope you know that I am always that same one phone call away that you are for me.
You ladies always know exactly what to say. I could go on and on for paragraph after paragraph in texts to you, and without hesitation you reply and it's exactly what I need. Whether it's a comforting "I'm sorry", scripture, or your own advice/what you've been through, it is so wonderful to have that support. There are days that I just want to go home from work and lay in bed and not do anything, but you ladies help me to get out of bed and do something productive or fun. You push me to get out of my own head, and that's exactly what I need so keep it up.
To my Trying to Conceive (TTC) Instagram/Blog family,
I have been using Instagram to get advice/vent about TTC for the past 10 months or so. I never knew that I would have over 400 followers in that time, and get to know so many of you on a personal level. I have watched many of you beat infertility, which gives me such hope! I am amazed at how God works and can bring each of us through our journey differently, but seeing so many girls get their positives and grow amazing children makes me that much more excited for when the day comes. I've also had to watch a lot of you go through struggles. I've watched as you've had miscarriages, false positives, no positives at all, get new diagnosis', and I've watched as more and more ladies have joined us in this infertility journey, which breaks my heart.
I've gotten to really know a good handful of you, have shared in your victories and your defeats. I laugh when you laugh, and cry when you cry. It wouldn't matter if you got your positive tomorrow and I didn't get mine for 5 years, you ladies are some of my closest friends and I love getting to share life through pictures and text with you.
For those of you who I haven't gotten to know as well, or might not know at all besides where you are in your cycle, I really do want to get to know more about who you are outside of infertility. Each of us is so much more than a diagnosis (or lack of diagnosis) and I want to know that side of you. I hope that my posts and the relationships that I HAVE built up, and the struggles I'm going through can give you hope and peace knowing that you are not alone, you will never be alone, and that we all have each other's backs, whether you've been TTC for a month, 5 years, have 3 children already, are TTC your first, growing your family naturally, with assistance of medicine, IVF, or adoption. We are all in this together and as much as I wish we didn't have to be friends because of infertility, I am so happy that we have become friends.
"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."- 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I hope you are as encouraged by this post and my letters to the people in my life as I was writing it. Thinking about all the people I have in my life who support me and love me and pray for me just makes my heart so happy. If I'm this loved in the hard time of infertility, when the day finally comes of having children, I know that child/children will be loved so so much, especially because of the trials and struggle it has been getting there, and continues to be.
Have a beautiful March 1st and God Bless,
Amanda
Thank you so much for being by my side in this battle of infertility for nearly 2 years now. When we got married, we had no idea this would be the struggle ahead of us, but I just thank God for it everyday because we have grown so much closer to each other because of our struggles. I wouldn't have wished infertility on us. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But because of PCOS and all the tests, the blood work, the ultrasounds, the joys, the sorrows, and all those stupid little pills, we have been growing closer to each other, and closer to God.
Our first year together was certainly much different than the last 2. Our first year, we were so full of happiness and joy every day, planning for our future, making wedding arrangements, talking about what we would name our kids, and where we wanted to live. All of that slowly faded away and made way for new discussions. Those smiles that were plastered on our faces to the point of making my face hurt still show up, but a lot of those happy discussions we'd had before getting married now are topics I don't even want to think about. Thinking about what we want to name our children can hurt, because I thought we'd already have those kids with us by now. Laughing about what we could make our nursery theme just breaks my heart. What if that day never comes?
But here we are. 2 years into infertility and we still find reasons to smile. Through every emotional break down, every hot flash (that never seem to go away!), every side effect, every symptom that "could be a sign of pregnancy" but never is, and through every moment of doubt and fear, you're there. You are always there for me to ramble on about these things to, to hold me when I can't stop crying, to comfort me when I get angry and ask "why us?". You always have a strong face, and always hold me up when I'm down. I hope you know that I am there when the days are hard on you too. I love you.
To my Family,
You guys have been with me since day 1. You know who I am inside and out. I've told you about my infertility since day 1, and you've been some of my biggest supporters. My parents, my parents-in-law, my brothers/sisters in law, my aunts and uncles, my grandpa. I don't know how I could make it through these days without having your love. You've prepared me for the hard times in such a way that I was able to tackle them on head first and with strong faith. I can't begin to describe your love for me, and how you pray for me daily and keep me lifted up. Those prayers are felt, and I am so proud to call you my family.
To my Best Friends,
You have no idea what it means to me to be able to share this journey with you. Some of you have been there since day one of Mike and I meeting, some of you came into our lives a little later in this process, but you guys are my rocks. I know you have my back every single day, and no matter what I can call/text/facebook/send a carrier pigeon to and you'll always answer.
I know a lot of you have your own struggles, whether it be fertility related or not, so the fact that you take the time out of your own emotional break downs to be there for me, to comfort me, to make me laugh, to cry along side me, means the absolute world. I hope you know that I am always that same one phone call away that you are for me.
You ladies always know exactly what to say. I could go on and on for paragraph after paragraph in texts to you, and without hesitation you reply and it's exactly what I need. Whether it's a comforting "I'm sorry", scripture, or your own advice/what you've been through, it is so wonderful to have that support. There are days that I just want to go home from work and lay in bed and not do anything, but you ladies help me to get out of bed and do something productive or fun. You push me to get out of my own head, and that's exactly what I need so keep it up.
To my Trying to Conceive (TTC) Instagram/Blog family,
I have been using Instagram to get advice/vent about TTC for the past 10 months or so. I never knew that I would have over 400 followers in that time, and get to know so many of you on a personal level. I have watched many of you beat infertility, which gives me such hope! I am amazed at how God works and can bring each of us through our journey differently, but seeing so many girls get their positives and grow amazing children makes me that much more excited for when the day comes. I've also had to watch a lot of you go through struggles. I've watched as you've had miscarriages, false positives, no positives at all, get new diagnosis', and I've watched as more and more ladies have joined us in this infertility journey, which breaks my heart.
I've gotten to really know a good handful of you, have shared in your victories and your defeats. I laugh when you laugh, and cry when you cry. It wouldn't matter if you got your positive tomorrow and I didn't get mine for 5 years, you ladies are some of my closest friends and I love getting to share life through pictures and text with you.
For those of you who I haven't gotten to know as well, or might not know at all besides where you are in your cycle, I really do want to get to know more about who you are outside of infertility. Each of us is so much more than a diagnosis (or lack of diagnosis) and I want to know that side of you. I hope that my posts and the relationships that I HAVE built up, and the struggles I'm going through can give you hope and peace knowing that you are not alone, you will never be alone, and that we all have each other's backs, whether you've been TTC for a month, 5 years, have 3 children already, are TTC your first, growing your family naturally, with assistance of medicine, IVF, or adoption. We are all in this together and as much as I wish we didn't have to be friends because of infertility, I am so happy that we have become friends.
"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."- 1 Thessalonians 5:11
I hope you are as encouraged by this post and my letters to the people in my life as I was writing it. Thinking about all the people I have in my life who support me and love me and pray for me just makes my heart so happy. If I'm this loved in the hard time of infertility, when the day finally comes of having children, I know that child/children will be loved so so much, especially because of the trials and struggle it has been getting there, and continues to be.
Have a beautiful March 1st and God Bless,
Amanda
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