Things I Never Thought I'd Do...Until I Became Pregnant

In discussion with a close friend of mine this past week (who also happens to be pregnant), I was telling her some crazy stories about things I've cried about since being pregnant, weird food cravings, and the like. She suggested I make a blog post about them, and I'm glad she did. I want other pregnant people to know they're not alone when crying over spilt milk (literally or figuratively), fumbling over their words and feet, or just wanting to eat some strange things. So here it is friends. the most embarrassing moments of my pregnancy so far!

Things I never thought I'd SAY...

Well, before becoming pregnant, I would say "Man, why are these girls (friends or otherwise) always complaining about being pregnant?? If I was in their shoes I'd never complain because I'd just be so overwhelmed with joy that I finally GOT pregnant that I wouldn't see the bad things in pregnancy."

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

To those women who I mentally gave crap to, I'm so sorry. I know it's one of those "you don't know until you walk a mile in their shoes" kinds of situations, but you have to realize I was upset that you had what I wanted and were complaining about it while I'd give anything for the morning sickness, the stretch marks, the weird cravings, the painful kicks.

Now that I AM pregnant, I'm just going to say this. It's hard work. I never thought I'd say that, but it is HARD. It can be hard for the people in our lives who haven't been pregnant, or (sorry honey) for our husbands to understand that we are growing a human being inside of us and it comes with a lot of energy sucking, lots of food eating, and weird symptoms. And I never thought I'd complain about back pain or morning sickness (and on social media I normally don't), but I have told my close friends and family about the pains aches and sicknesses. They're there. Don't you worry.


The other thing I'd like to put in the category, on a much funnier note, is that I have a very hard time forming words into sentences at a moments notice. If I know that I'm going to be, let's say, at a small group dinner, I know who I'm going to be surrounded by, I know I'll have to order food, and I know that I'm in a "safe space" where if I stutter or forget words, I won't be judged.

However, when I get phone calls from random people at work, I seem to completely forget how to form words. Usually when I tell someone to have a great day, or that my boss will call them back, the words just don't know what they're doing. My brain knows EXACTLY what's wrong, but won't help my mouth out. The most recent example happened this morning when someone left a message for my boss, I took down their number and I said " Ok I will have him give you a call." the gentleman said "ok thanks so much have a good day." and I said "You're problem, you too."

You're problem, you too?? What is happening??

You're welcome, or No Problem would be the right answer. Ugh.

Things I never thought I'd DO...

Man, this list could probably go on forever, but I think I'm just going to bullet point it and move on,

• Take a bath every single day. Not because I need to relax.  Not because I need to shave. Not because I have a cool new bath bomb. But it's just become routine at this point.
• Pee 47 times a day.
• Eat the same meal for about 3-4 weeks, then be sick of it, and move on to the next thing. Currently on Grilled Cheese.
• Eat as MUCH as I do. Some days it's normal amounts, other days I eat whole packages of cookies by myself...
• Take multiple naps in one day. (This one is definitely a pro in my opinion)
• Rub Cocoa Butter Lotion all over myself to prevent stretch marks (ok, that's a lie, it just smells really good)

Now, there are 2 things I did want to elaborate on, so I didn't put them in this list.

The first? I  never thought I'd cry over some of the things I have. I've done really well and haven't cried much (compared to what I thought I would/people say you will). I've really only had maybe 3 or 4 moments of just crying for no reason. I lost it in the car with my mom the other day and she was like "oh my goodness honey what's wrong?" and I looked at her uncontrollably crying and just go "I'm pregnant, I don't know why! It's just kind of happening!" The only other real memorable time was with Mike and I lost it, and in only a way he can do, he gets me to start laughing to the point where I almost pee my pants and am crying harder because I'm laughing. So thanks for that babe!!

The other thing was I never thought I'd make my husband go out and get me a craving food. As I mentioned above, I eat basically the same things for weeks, and then switch it up a bit. But recently I've been in a smoothie mood. Not every day, but of course it's right after I finish off the yogurts, or the banana's have rotted that I want to have a smoothie. I've gone to the store with him when I have these cravings, but I'm just glad that he's willing to come with me at 845 at night to buy bananas, or glass bottle coke, or French fries, to satisfy my cravings.


If I can think of any more hilarious stories, or if more funny things happen that I think you'd enjoy, I'll post a follow up blog post to this, but for now, I just slur my words, cry over nothing, and eat smoothies, grilled cheeses, cereal, and pizza.

And brownies. Now I want brownies. *hint hint Mike*

Lots of love
Mama Hyde and Bump (and Toby, who now thinks it's his baby)

A Whole New Kind of Thankful

Every year at thanksgiving at my house, we go around the table holding hands and say what we're thankful for that year. Some years have been easy "I'm thankful that we got a new kitty and that Santa will be here soon". Some years have been much harder "I'm thankful that the 4 of us are sitting around this table" (the first thanksgiving after my grandmother had passed away and there should have been 5 sitting there).

The past 2 Thanksgivings I've said so many different things. 2014 I was just thankful for my amazing husband (and still am every day!). We were young (still are) and in love (still are) and were just full of hope to start a family! I remember my mom crying, as she does most years on Thanksgiving, saying how thankful she was for our family and that I had finally found the love of my life to share forever with.

2015 was a harder year. I really was struggling with what I was thankful for. If I had thought about the 365 days prior, I could have thought of a million things. The many vacations we took across the country, new friendships made, new jobs had. Heck, my best friend was going to the hospital in labor as we said these prayers! But all I could think about was how I had been trying for a baby for a year and a half, had been diagnosed with PCOS, the 4 rounds of clomid we had done didn't work, and that we currently were on a "medical break" (aka we wouldn't be getting pregnant until we started up medicine again). I cried. I'm pretty sure my thankful list was short and to the point. "I'm thankful for my family who is my support through it all."

Looking ahead to 8 days from now, Thanksgiving 2016, of course there are a million things I am thankful for. Isn't it funny how when we're on top of the world and our prayers have been answered all of the bad stuff just goes away and all we can see if the good? I don't see the subchorionic hemorrhage that made me fear for my babies life. I don't see the weeks upon weeks upon weeks of nausea that surrounded me most of the summer. I don't see the beginning of 2016 that shattered me with 2 more failed rounds of medicine that meant I would have to go to a specialist.

No, I'm only seeing the good. The trip to Disney World in April. Moving into the bigger apartment. Finding the fertility doctor that on our first IUI got us pregnant. Going to our first ultrasound seeing that little heart beat. Finding out that little nugget is a boy. Having finally all of the things I've dreamed of.

But then I stop. And I really think. And I'm almost more thankful for the hemorrhage than the first ultrasound of little man. I'm ALMOST more thankful for the failed rounds of Clomid over the past year than I was to go to Disney. Because through those hard moments, the painful, emotional, gut wrenching moments, I've survived. I've come to another day of Thanksgiving, and I'm here.

So this year, I'm thankful for it all. Every single day since last Thanksgiving. From meeting my niece on Black Friday evening when she was 12 hours old, all the way through the 365 days that carried just about every emotion imaginable. Through it all, it is well. All of those moments have led me to today, November 16th, 2016, as I sit in my office drinking Orange Juice because little nugget craves it now (and kicks like a maniac after I have just a sip). Would I have wanted to be pregnant the day we got married? Of course. But that's not how God works sometimes, and I wouldn't trade my story for anything.

So this Thanksgiving season, what are the moments you are thankful for that you never thought you would be?

Xoxo
Amanda and Bump

Dear Baby Hyde

Baby Boy Hyde,
I write this in the first week of knowing that you are a boy. In my heart I knew you were going to be a boy, even though all those silly old wives tales pointed to girl. Once the doctor said officially that you were a boy, my heart filled with such joy to find out who you are.

After we found out you were a boy, Mommy and Daddy went to your MeMa and PePaw's house to share with them, your Nunna, your Tio Joe and Tia Jess, and Auntie Kayleen and Uncle Sean the joy of our hearts that you are YOU. Now, some people may argue that Joe and Jess, and Kayleen and Sean aren't REALLY your Aunts and Uncles, but you are just so loved by so many amazing people that it only seems fitting that they are your Aunts and Uncles. And yes, Cheyanne and Shelby and any future children from our best friends will be your cousins. You'll learn to love them as much as your "real" cousins.

Anyways, back to the real letter to you little nugget. Sorry, your mama gets on tangents and just kind of goes off on them a lot. You'll learn to live with it and love it, just like daddy does.

So, we sent your family on a Disney scavenger hunt around MeMa and PePaw's house which then ended with everyone coming to the porch to find out that you were a boy. And I have to link the video of everyone's reactions and joy. Your mama couldn't quite pop a popper and hold a phone at the same time, so we had to improvise and put the phone in my pocket which didn't work out great, but it worked.

After this amazing moment came lots of phone calls to your great grandpa, your other grandparents and aunts and uncles and your MeMa's closest friends. Everyone shared in the joy of knowing you're a boy with us and it was magical.

This week has been full of emotions for me little nugget. I loved you since the moment I knew you were in there, but knowing you're a boy and knowing I actually have a SON and that you are growing safely inside of me makes me love you more than you'll ever know. Something about knowing you are my son and the amazing things that will come from your life just brings me to tears (which isn't very hard with pregnancy hormones and since I am exactly like your MeMa).

Something else you should know about your Mama now is that I will force you to take a lot of pictures. Now when you're an infant you won't really have much of a choice, but as you get older, I am sorry but we will all be wearing matching Christmas Pajama's Christmas Eve, along with any other siblings that you may have, I will make you pose in silly ways for Disney pictures, and it will be crazy. But you will get use to it. Just like your daddy has. Anyways, the point being, I made your daddy carve a pumpkin for me yesterday so that we could announce to the world that you are a boy. And I'd say it's my favorite Halloween memory with your Daddy by far.

I would say your Daddy did a good job carving out the pumpkin. And of course Mama did the blue pumpkin on the inside since it meant not having to touch pumpkin guts!

Baby boy, I am so in love with you. My prayer for you today is that you continue to grow strong (judging by the kicks you keep giving me I think you're doing good!) and that when you are born that you are prepared for a LOT of love from a LOT of people, but none more than your Mama and Daddy and your savior Jesus Christ. For it is because of His grace that you have been given to us.

Now, please stay cooking in Mommy's belly, but man, we can not WAIT to meet you.


XOXO
Mama Hyde

(PS for everyone else reading this, here's a few more pictures from our Gender Reveal Shoot)

17 Weeks

I'm still in amazement that I'm pregnant. I still am in shock that I'm pregnant. By the time I really am like "holy cow I'm pregnant" I think I'll be in the delivery room!

The morning sickness (all day sickness) is gone and I couldn't be more happy to be back to my semi-regular self! Those first 14 or so weeks were really rough. I was so afraid I wasn't getting little nugget enough food. I was worried I wasn't getting MYSELF enough food. But we've made it through.

At 13 weeks we had our genetic testing done. This was a blood test and an ultrasound. When they did the ultrasound, I was amazed at the details you could see of Baby Hyde. We could see the spine, the brain, all 4 chambers of the heart, the stomach, bladder, and obviously the arms, legs, hands, and feet. The tech thought they could tell what sex the baby was, but since it was so early she wasn't 100% sure, and even from looking at our ultrasound pictures and when we were there, we couldn't really tell either. Although, how would we?? We don't look at ultrasounds for a living!!

So the blood work test came back great. My risk of whatever things they were testing for were about 1 in 700 before going in to have the tests done based on my age, but after the testing, it's now at less than 1 in 10,000 so we are very grateful. We will love this nugget whether it has 4 arms, 6 toes, has a disability, or is a "Picture Perfect" baby (whatever that is), but it's just a sigh of relief knowing baby is doing well in there!

So today I'm at 17 weeks and everything that my apps are saying will start happening this week have been happening for the past week or so. They say I'll start having round ligament pains (which surprise I've had for weeks), crazy dreams (welcome to my every night) and I could even start to feel the baby move.

So about a week or so ago, I was trying to figure out if I was feeling the baby move or if it was just gas. I figured it was way too early to feel any movement/kicks/punches yet so it must just be gas or that I'm hungry. I ignored the feelings and kept moving on with my days. Until Sunday. Sunday was a very long day of singing on our worship team (but totally worth it because I got to spend my whole morning with some amazing musicians, friends, and people who have such amazing hearts for the Lord) and during the last service (being at church for almost 6 hours at this point) I started having that feeling again in my lower left side of my stomach. I just rubbed it a little bit to hopefully move whatever "gas bubble" was in there out of the way. I finished the service, still felt really tight and awkward, but still just shook it off.

It wasn't until I got home and took a nap that I realized it actually was the baby. I woke up after a very short nap (I usually sleep for hours) and put my hand on that part of my stomach and felt 3 little kicks/punches! I think that was the moment I realized "wow, there's actually something growing inside of me."

Little nugget, Mommy and Daddy love you so much! We are so thrilled you are growing the way you should be, your heart rate has been perfect, and we just can't wait to meet you in 23 or so weeks!!

*Also, we find out if Nugget is a Boy or Girl in just a few weeks and we can't WAIT to know who you are. As the scripture says, "For this child we have prayed." and we have certainly been praying for this child for a long long time. God has placed this child in our care to raise it to know Him and love Him, and we think we know this child we have prayed for and the name God has given us, but we'll have official answers in just a few short weeks!!! Either way, this child is loved beyond measure and I know will do great things.

Xoxo

Mama Hyde and Baby Hyde

Journaling The Bible Part Three: Leviticus

It's a good thing that my God is a God of forgiveness, because the first trimester of this pregnancy had me DOWN and I fell off of the wagon of reading my bible daily/regularly. At this rate, I have to read 6-7 chapters a day to reach the end of the bible by the time Baby Hyde arrives (if baby comes exactly on their due date). That scares me to be honest. It's so much easier to just throw on the T.V. and watch Netflix or catch up on the reality shows I forgot started up 3 weeks ago. It would be so much easier if I was just reading the bible. But God knows that I wouldn't remember as much of his word or really dig into it as much if I was just reading it. God knows that I don't learn that way. I have to be engaged in it. I have to take notes. Every Sunday I have my bible and a piece of paper ready to go for the sermon, ready to soak up as much knowledge as I can. So why would I do any differently when I'm at home studying?

Let me just say, Leviticus has been HARD. I came back from a 2 month or so break from reading and journaling and I have to jump into Leviticus. I think God was trying to teach me patience through this book, amongst other things. Genesis and Exodus were, relatively speaking, a breeze to read. The history of the people of Genesis kept my attention, were somewhat familiar stories (Adam and Eve, Noah, Joseph, etc.) and was definitely more of what I was "looking for" to start my bible journey. Exodus was all about Moses and again, familiar stories and then the building of the Tabernacle.

Leviticus on the other hand was a LOT of the same things repeated over and over. Now, I know that may sound bad, but I'm not lying. Go ahead and go read Leviticus 1-10 and you'll see what I'm saying. It was really cool to read about the different types of offerings that the Levites had to do in the Tabernacle and exactly how they had to do each type (burnt offering, sin offering, peace offering, guilt offering, and or ordination offering). Some of these details are very precise. You can only use certain animals, if you don't have those animals you can use certain types of grain. Some offerings you have to eat the animal (but only certain parts of course), other offerings you aren't allowed to eat it. It really was quite interesting to see that the Levites actually did all of these offerings and exactly as God has said to do them. Blood had to be spilt on certain area's of the Tabernacle, they could only burn certain pieces of the animal, don't spill blood on your clothes or they must be washed and will be unclean for a certain period of time. I'm certainly glad I'm not Jewish in the time of the Levites though, that is for sure.

At church on Sunday, I was still really struggling with Leviticus. I had written most of this blog post about a week or so ago, but had two chapters left and just couldn't get myself to read it. I felt discouraged knowing that these were all the old laws of Moses and didn't really apply (we'll let that one be debated). But then like God made it happen for a reason (duh, thanks God), our Producer for our worship service on Sunday morning read a devotional to us about Hebrews 10 preaching this verse; "¹⁰ For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time." He then started talking about how the sacrifice of Jesus now covered all of us and we wouldn't have to make sacrifices like in the Old Testament. It was like God knew not only that I needed the reminder that Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for ME, but it was also that clarifying moment I needed as I finished up Leviticus and all the sacrifices that I knew were no longer applicable to our lives because of Jesus just kind of all hit me like a rock. 

So I encourage you today, if you are reading through Leviticus as a study with your bible study or as part of a sermon series, or you're encouraged to read it because of this blog post (although I find that last one highly unlikely), I really encourage you to read Hebrews 10 when you get discouraged like I was. To read it when you look down at your tattoo and know that in Leviticus it tells you not to have tattoos. When you see the sin you're committed, big or small, and remember that Jesus paid that ultimate sacrifice and you are no longer bound by that sin. Sin no longer has control over you. And you no longer have to sacrifice live stock, oils, breads, and go through all those processes, so let's just take a second to thank the Lord for that!!!

ONTO NUMBERS!

Love and blessings,
Amanda 

12 Weeks

My heart feels good today. But my stomach doesn't. And that's ok.

The risk of miscarriage has drastically gone down now that I have hit this 12 week mark. I know you are never really "in the clear", but after the 12 week mark (especially if you've heard the heart beat and seen the baby on an ultrasound) the risk is very very minimal and so I'm holding on to that hope today. And the fact that I'm still nauseous pretty much all day every day except for a very rare few hours or afternoon.

I'm still in a lot of shock that pregnancy is actually happening for me. For years I never thought I'd see this day. If it wasn't for the fact that my stomach is starting to pop out and the feeling sick 24/7, I wouldn't believe it. Even after hearing the heart beat a few weeks ago I still feel like this is all a dream.

We found out about 2 months ago that our dreams were becoming a reality. Monday we go in for genetic testing, which includes an ultrasound. This Mama is excited to see her little bean and how much it's grown since our last US at 7 weeks. Especially since at that point we were just praying the baby was ok since it was right around the time of my hemorrhage, I'm excited for this ultrasound rather than nervous. According to the apps and websites and all that stuff that comes along with pregnancy and the 21st century, my baby is apparently about the size of a plum. That just astounds me. A month ago on the ultrasound we could barely make out where the baby ended and the egg sack started, so to know my baby has grown that much in such a short amount of time is absolutely bonkers!!!

My appetite has still been lacking. I know that if I eat I start to feel better, but the thought of eating just puts me into an even worse position of stomach vs mind vs food. Thankfully every morning I eat breakfast and that hasn't stopped yet. But the rest of the day? It's really a gamble. Even those amazing looking food videos/pictures on facebook/pinterest can make me want to run to the bathroom at times! Which is quite upsetting because I really wish I could eat!!! Even today as I sit at my desk writing this, I'm having trouble eating a strawberry frosted donut (with sprinkles because duh). Besides cereal, any sort of frosted with sprinkles donut from DD's has been really the only other non snack food I can stomach.

While we're on the subject of weird things pregnancy does to your body, the pregnancy dreams are crazy!!!!! They are the most vivid dreams I've ever had (and I usually remember my dreams a good portion of the time) and they are WEIRD. Like the dream I had about our landlord (not our real landlord) changing the layout of our apartment so that the upstairs neighbors had the whole upstairs and half of our apartment. because to them it didn't seem fair that we had a bigger apartment than the upstairs neighbors (which weren't our real neighbor either). And I remember extremely distinctly exactly how the house was designed (it was actually more like my grandparent's house) and what colors the walls were being painted!!! And this dream probably happened 3 or 4 weeks ago! There have been other dreams about going to Arby's and ordering massive amounts of curly fries, but let's not get into that one, ya know, because food.

I never knew how exhausting making a baby could be, but man, it's hard work! Although I may not be able to feel the kicks of little nugget or know if it's a boy or girl yet, this baby is giving me a run for my money! I'm pretty sure every day I'm not at work, I take at least one nap during the day. Heck, even on the days I work, I tend to go home and take a nap (or at least lay in the nice air conditioned room with the lights off and relax).

I'm sure once we have our Genetic testing done next week and have the results from that that I will probably write a new blog post about it, why we decided to do it, all the fun stuff. But since the only thing to change from week 6 to week 12 was the size of my belly, I will leave it at that!

Xoxo
Mama Hyde

To Those Still Hurting...

Man these past few months have been a complete shift in my life. I've gone from taking a bunch of medication that changed my mood and personality, to taking prenatal vitamins. I've gone from crying more days than not over not getting what I want, to crying more days than not for getting what I don't deserve. I use to think "Why does ______ get to be pregnant and I don't?" and now I think "Why do I get to be pregnant and __________ doesn't?"

My friends, just because I have become pregnant doesn't mean I've forgotten the past 2 1/2 years. It seems almost like a celebrity who the public thinks they've forgotten where they come from. I have not forgotten my small town. I haven't forgotten where I came from. Because of where I came from, I have looked at this gift in such a different light than I would have 2 1/2 years ago.

The past 2 years on our wedding anniversary I've been so excited to celebrate another year with my amazing husband. Yet in the back of my mind the past 2 anniversaries have marked the start date of our journey to start a family. The happiest day of my life was also the starting date to a long 2 years of starting our family. As we've watched our marriage grow and our love for the Lord grow, it's been hard to sit back and wonder when our family would grow.

My heart still has days that I hurt. I still wonder "Why now?" I still find myself wishing that this day could have come more quickly. I wish I hadn't had to struggle, to wait, to spend so much time worrying and crying. I know that God has a plan for me, my husband, and this child. I still have no clue what that is and why we couldn't have had this child given to us when we first started praying, but I continue to pray for that answer.

In the 2ish months that we have been pregnant it seems like either everyone else is getting pregnant too, or I'm finding out more and more people are struggling. While I am so overjoyed with the news that Baby Hyde is going to have so many friends so close in age, I know that there are women who see me and many of my friends get pregnant around the same time (totally not planned) and wish to be part of that group.

When we found out that we were pregnant, my heart obviously burst out of my chest and my happiness couldn't be contained. Of course that's how I would react! After fighting so hard, praying even harder, and spending so much time invested, I'm obviously allowed to be happy! But as I was getting ready to tell a few of my closest friends and family, I knew that there would be some people who I am close to who's joy might not be as strong as others. I had to be very careful with how I shared the most amazing news.

But why Amanda? Why not scream it from the rooftops and be excited?

Guys, trust me it was hard not to!! But when your heart has hurt for so long, and you know the pain of seeing your dream come true for someone else, you know (for the most part) how to not be a jerk about it. The hardest part was one of the people I'm closest to in my life is suffering through unexplained infertility. So I knew I couldn't just go jumping up and down to them (even though I wanted to SO BADLY) and expect them to jump for joy along side of me. I had to watch my words. I had to keep my joy to a smile and simple joy. Now, if you asked this person how they felt when they found out I was pregnant they probably are so over the moon excited for us. But if the roles had been reversed, I would have wanted them to act towards me the way I did towards them. Now that the pregnancy has sunk in a little bit more, that "awkwardness" I guess you could say has started to go away (at least on my end) but I still make sure I don't text them every day with my complaints of morning sickness.

Friends and family, random people of the internet, I know infertility sucks. Just because I've come around the other side of the mountain and have beaten the odds doesn't mean I forgot my past hurts. I am overwhelmed with joy to be pregnant, of course, but my heart still grieves when another friend posts her negative test, that their IVF treatment has been pushed back another month for the third time, that infertility is ripping apart a marriage. My heart hurts because my heart knows.

Anyway, this has been long and babbling, and I probably didn't even make the point that I wanted to when I started writing this. So I guess here it is. All of our stories are different. 2 months of trying to get pregnant can be just as hard on someone who has been trying for 2 years. Someone who has no infertility issues can still be upset when they can't get pregnant right away. My 2 years of trying felt like an eternity, and yet there are some people who say "I remember the 2 year mark, that was 8 years ago." I was a "lucky" one who's first IUI worked. But I still have so much pain and sadness from those 2 years of waiting.

Never give up, never lose sight of what your dream is (no matter what it is!), and always remember who is the one who has your back!

"'Cause love can fix a busted heart like mine
Put it back together every single time
Turn my mess to a miracle
Anything is possible" - Matthew West- Anything is Possible

XOXO
Amanda

Little Miracle

WE DID IT!


It only took us 805 days, 3 doctors, 6 rounds of Clomid, countless blood tests (and other invasive tests), and one IUI, but we did it! There's a little nugget growing inside of me and I couldn't be more thankful!

So here's what's been going on in the TTC to pregnant journey!

On June 26th, Mike and I had a 9 am appointment at a different IVF office than we were use to. We knew we had to be out of there by 940 at the latest to make it to our church outdoor service on the lake, and so we were only rushing around like crazy. We got there and I assumed it was only blood work to check levels and then we'd be on our way. Oh no, we also had to have an ultrasound done too. Which would have been totally fine, except they never put my name on the ultrasound list so we waited and watched everyone around us go and then more people come in, and they got to go and we just sat. I finally spoke up and they were like "oh, you weren't on the list."

I was NOT happy.

I finally got into the ultrasound tech's room and was prepared for them to say "sorry, your follicles aren't where they need to be come back again for more ultrasounds until it's where it should be." They obviously can't say what's going on right in the room, but she did say she could see a cyst on the left side *remember this because it comes into play later on* and that it was rather large.

So we finally get out of there, drive to our church picnic (which we've now missed the entire service) and just try to relax. My mom did get baptized that day so I can NOT complain! We got there just in time for the call to baptism and so she said "you're here, I'm doing it" and I got to watch my husband and our pastor baptize my mom in the lake. It was a beautiful moment!!!

As we were getting ready to leave I saw that my phone had been ringing and had a missed call. It was the Dr. who left the message that said "Your follicle is 17.33 mm so do your trigger shot tomorrow night and then come in Wednesday for your IUI."

I was in shock.

I told my few close friends from church how excited I was that it was actually happening and they prayed over us and sent us off with smiles and cheers!!!

The trigger shot Monday was nothing, so we don't have to get into detail about that.

Wednesday (June 29th) morning came and I was so nervous and excited. My appointment was at 10, so I made sure we got there a little bit before. It was a good thing we did, because (to not give gross details) we were suppose to bring Mike's swimmers to be cleaned at 9 so that they were ready to go by 10. Woops! The nurse assisting the Dr. told us that next time we should make sure we bring his boys (or girls) in an hour before. To which I replied "Well, no offense, but hopefully there won't be a next time!" The IUI went great. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I was expecting. It took about 30 seconds and we were done! We were now in the Two Week Wait (TWW).

I was not sure how long this wait was going to feel, but I was prepared for the longest 2 weeks before I'd go in to the Dr.'s for my first blood pregnancy test. Thankfully in that time, we  had a 4th of July party and my birthday so at least the first week of the TWW would go by quickly. The party was great, Mike brought me to Saratoga Springs and Lake George for my birthday, and we had just a wonderful relaxing few days.

Fast forward to Saturday, July 9th. I was home all day and Mike was working. Something just felt really off, but I had told myself that we wouldn't take a home pregnancy test until Monday or Tuesday. The trigger shot we did can show false positives if you take a test too early so I didn't want to see that second line and know it wasn't real. But something told me to go buy a test.

5:00 pm I took the test. I was expecting to see one line, just as I had always seen for the past 805 days. Every test has been negative. No slight positive, no "squinters", nothing. Blank tests. So I wasn't expecting this.

 

It wasn't as dark as the control line, but there was definitely a line there. I absolutely lost it. I cried some of the ugliest cries I've ever cried.

 

And then I freaked out.

 

So many thoughts ran through my head, but the first one was "How do I tell Mike?" I had thought about cute creative ways to tell him over the years, but now that it was real, I had no idea how to tell him the biggest news of his life. I ended up getting him a bottle of "Smashed Pumpkin" Pumpkin head beer, a bottle of Maine Root Root Beer, and a baby bottle. I also had found a onesie that said "I love daddy" and I put the pregnancy test on top of it. He was definitely in shock to say the least. The best part was him saying "I mean, can you take a test this early? Well, obviously you can, I mean, there it is right there!"

 

The next morning I had to be sure, because obviously the 5:00 pm test couldn't have been right. So I took the second test that was in the box...

 

 

Well, it doesn't get much clearer than that!!!

 

So on Wednesday July 13th, we had our first blood pregnancy test. My numbers were at 216 which was very good (usually at that time anything above 50 is good). On the 15th my numbers had way more than doubled to 754, and then on 22nd they were at 9860. Everything was going perfectly! I felt great, my appetite was up, my energy was up, and I was feeling on top of the world!

 

And then I started spotting.

 

When you spot when you're pregnant you tend to freak out. I let the nurse at IVF know, and she said it could still be implantation bleeding and not to worry about it. I was suppose to go to Maryland for a week with my youth group kids, but because of the spotting I decided I should probably stay back just in case something happened.

 

And I am beyond glad that I stayed home.

 

I took the week off from work because I started having some nausea and would rather take the week to relax since I was already scheduled off from work anyways. The spotting was still constant, but I was trying not to worry about it.

 

Until I started bleeding that Friday morning.

 

I woke Mike up at 4 in the morning and said we had to go to the hospital NOW. Thankfully, we live about a 2 minute drive from the hospital so it wasn't a long drive. We got there and spent the next 4 hours at the ER. They put an IV in me for blood tests, took my blood pressure, and I was feeling horrible. My stomach was in knots from the morning sickness and from the anxiety. I looked at Mike and told him "I can't do this. God wouldn't do this. After all this time, all this praying and hoping, why would God do this??" They brought me in to have an ultrasound done and I made Mike come in with me. I couldn't do this alone. I couldn't look at him and tell him there was no baby. I would never be able to formulate the words. But I continued to just pray and pray and pray and said "God, you're so good. Don't let this be the end."

 

And then I looked up at the ultrasound and saw the most perfect little dot on the screen. There was a baby. There was a heart beat. There was promise and hope.

 

And there was also a 5cm Hemorrhage.

 

So long of the short is I have to wait for the hemorrhage to clear up. It isn't uncommon in pregnancy, but it still scared the living daylights out of me.

 

We are currently at about 9 weeks and the baby is doing great! We saw little nugget at 7 weeks with a perfect heart beat of 153!  Mom however is being hit HARD with morning sickness. And can I just say, it isn't morning sickness. It's every day sickness. For anyone who hasn't been pregnant or had no morning sickness (ps I hate you) I pretty much feel hung over 24/7. I've been pretty good about drinking lots of fluids, but as the IVF Dr. said, the first trimester is survival mode. So I'm not eating a ton, and when I do eat it isn't exactly "normal meals" (fruity pebbles has been making up most of my meals the past week) but when I do eat (like the hamburger and half a brat at my moms over the weekend) it's like I'm super woman!!! 

I couldn't do any of this without the support of my closest friends and family, but especially without my husband. Babe, you are so patient with me and I can't thank you enough for the breakfast in bed every day and for all the little things you do for baby and I. Once I'm back on my feet and not spending most days in the bathroom, I will make YOU breakfast in bed!

Xoxo

Amanda (and baby!) 

Journaling The Bible Part Two: Exodus

Wow, how am I already through two books in the bible? I won't lie, it hasn't been easy. Taking time out of my day every day to not only read the bible, but to journal and make notes and be actively praying about this journey has been hard. I've had a LOT of days that I didn't want to journal. It'd be way easier to just be reading these words. But I know the kind of studier I am. And I won't retain information just by reading it, I have to be writing it, making sense of it in my own words. So here we go! Here's Exodus!

Exodus was written by Moses. I know, shocking since the whole book is about him. But man I didn't realize all of the stories I knew and how they correlated with each other. Obviously I remember the story of the newborn Israelite children to be killed, and that one of them was put in a basket and pushed down the river, only to be saved by the Pharaoh's daughter. I kind of forgot that that was Moses (see, this is what I'm saying when I say I know the stories, but don't really understand them).

I remember when I started reading Exodus back at the beginning of the month (July 6th to be exact) that I was just praying that God open my eyes to different things that I had never seen before.when God told Moses he would be going to speak to Pharaoh, but Moses said he physically couldn't speak to crowds of people without getting tongue tied. So God sent him Aaron to speak for him. As I was reading this I became overwhelmed with emotions. Not that I'm a bad public speaker, but Moses would be going to be trying to convince Pharaoh of how great his God is and to be letting a LOT of slaves of Egypt leave. As I thought over this I wrote this prayer:

"Lord, if I can't speak proper words to express something of your will, give me an Aaron. Give me just the right tools to communicate with others, whether it is another person, a blog post someone else has written, or just sharing the word of God."

In 2016, it is extremely hard for even some of the most biblically wise people to share the word of God with others, because like Pharaoh their hearts have been hardened. So I just continue to pray that if I don't have those right words to help spread the gospel, I am able to step back, realize that, and use someone/something to help me.

Anyways, back to the book of Exodus.

So now that Moses has Aaron to help him, they go to Pharaoh and say "Let my people go". *Cue me singing different Sunday School songs on this topic*. So rather than just giving up, God shows Moses all of these amazing things to try and convince Pharaoh how amazing God is (turning a staff into a snake, turning The Nile into a river of blood, etc.). And even after all of that, Pharaoh just kept getting harder and harder a heart.

So what's the reasonable thing to do? Plagues! Of course! Let's send a plague of Frogs, Gnats, Flies, Kill all the Egyptian live stock, give everyone boils, send hail, locusts, darkness so dark you can feel it for three days, and then finally the death of each first born son.

Woah God, a little harsh? But he is trying to make a point and he certainly makes it. He told Moses that no matter what he did Pharaoh's heart would just keep hardening. I bet that Moses is pretty discouraged at this point that he still can't leave Egypt, and probably feels bad that all the people of Egypt have had to suffer. But the killing of the first born sons was what got me. I obviously knew the story of Passover and how you put blood around the door and stay inside and so the Angel of Death doesn't take your son. I didn't know however that this was one of the plagues given across Egypt before Moses was finally able to leave.

Great now Moses has gotten his people out of Egypt into safer land. God calls him upon Mount Sinai and gives him the 10 commandments (again, forgot that these two things went along side each other) and a BUNCH of other rules basically saying if you do something wrong against someone, or one of your livestock kills someone on purpose, you must die. Obviously that isn't all he commands, but if you're looking to see them all, they can be found in Exodus 21 and 22. 

And then we get to Exodus 23 and you can find me crying a LOT. Verse 26 says there will be no more miscarriages or infertility in your land. 

Now I obviously know they're talking about that particular group of people and not ever in the world, but knowing God spoke those words and that for those people those words were true and they had no more infertility gives me such hope. And that's what I wrote in my journal. That I felt so hopeful for those words to be my truth too. 

So the remainder of Exodus (Chapter 25-40) is pretty much God giving Moses the exact measurements and how everything is to be built and placed in the Tabernacle. It says exactly how the robes must be made, worn, when incense are to be burned, what kind of offerings go where. It is beautifully orchestrated. But poor Moses, by the time he comes down off Mount Sinai, his people were worshiping a golden calf that Aaron had made. But eventually they realize God is the TRUE GOD and they build the tabernacle exactly as it should be. 

In our lives are we building our lives exactly the way God commanded us to, or have we strayed in the waiting to hear what to do next and worshiped idols or just flat out turned from God? For over two years I have been battling between the two when it comes to our infertility. I know that God will show us exactly the right plans on how to build our lives, but it's so much easier to turn and make things the way we want them. 

Brothers and sisters in Christ, join me in committing that we will not turn. We will keep following and waiting for those very detailed instructions. We will build our tabernacles exactly how God has intended them. 

Lord, thank you for all you've taught me through Moses and through Exodus. Help me to continue strongly in reading your word and not to be distracted. Help me to daily make time to read Leviticus and that it may too help me to know you more, know the life of Moses more, and to know your plan for me. 

Xoxo

Amanda 

Journaling The Bible Part One : Genesis

Wow. In  10 days I was able to read through the entire book of Genesis. I started this journey on June 21st, and it just amazes me that I actually sat down and took the time to read every word of the book.

I did out the math. If I want to finish the bible in a year, I have to read an average of 3 chapters a day. (Well, technically 2.98, but we'll round up). By that math, I should only be at chapter 29 of Genesis. I would just be starting to read about Jacob falling in love with Rachel, but having to marry Leah AND Rachel, and his children he had with Leah.

In the past 10 days, my heart has been transforming. I have been opening up my heart to God. I know that sounds super cliché, and it probably is, but I really have felt a huge difference in the past 10 days. I have had something to work on, something to look forward to. I have taken my depression and crushed it with the word of God. And that my friends is GOOD!

So my notes this book have basically turned into my abridged version of Genesis. I wasn't really sure where my journaling was going to end up going, and I'm sure it will change over the following weeks and months. The different books I'm in could change the way I write. But for this book, it was basically highlighting the points of Genesis that either were extremely important to remember, or were things I didn't remember or know from Genesis. There were stories and people in there that I had NO idea about!

It's hard to keep the lineage all straight too. I might need to make a flow chart or something to remember who is married to who, who is the son of who, and who's uncle is actually their father in law too.

So what have I learned. Well, to start, I made sure that I wrote down what God did on each of the first days of creating the earth. Because I know that I can't remember what day he created the stars and what day he created the animals. It's probably something I should really memorize, but I'm getting there. I did find that during the first chapters of Genesis, I was singing songs from the musical "Children of Eden". The musical tells the story of Adam and Eve all the way through Noah. So reading through I was humming different songs that matched the scripture, so that was pretty fun.

One of the first "funny" things I did in my journaling happened in Chapter 3. Verse 16 says "I will sharpen pain in pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth."

I literally put "-_-" next to that in my journal. I was definitely not thrilled to read that. I know that child birth is painful, I'm not naïve. But to read it in the bible that because Eve ate from the tree of knowledge all us women would go through painful births and pregnancy doesn't make me a huge fan of Eve (nor will I probably ever name my child Eve).

Another big thing in Genesis I learned had to do with Noah and his famous Arc. Knowing that man made sacrifices to God in the form usually of lamb, how did Noah make sacrifices to God while on the arc when there was only 2 of each animal? And how did the lions not go and eat the antelope?

Well, God tells Noah not only to bring a pair of every animal onto his Arc, but to also bring 7 pairs of each animal he approved for sacrifice and for eating. So really it wasn't just two of each animal, but there may have been 14 cows on the arc, or 14 chickens (which would be smart may I add. More resources). So that was a huge moment of "oh now I get it" for me.

Genesis 17 is where I started to break down. Abraham and Sarah. This is where God takes people who aren't able to have children and promises them children (Isacc, Jacob and Esau, the 12 sons of Jacob). This is where I see God's promise's play out in a way that I understand. I've never had to live on an arc with a ton of animals for 40 days of floods, plus another almost full year afterwards. But I have lived through infertility. I have screamed probably very similar prayers that Sarah prayed. The same prayers that Rebekah and Rachel had prayed. I had felt the jealousy that Rachel felt when her sister got pregnant with 4 children while she was sill without child.

Sometimes I forget that what is happening to me has happened before. Many many times. Women in the bible even went through infertility. I have the advantage of having modern medicine to help assist with us getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean that I don't pray just as hard as they did. I rely on God to give us a child just as much as Sarah and Rebekah and Rachel and all the other women of the bible. I don't just rely on the medicine, the procedures, the IUI's, the shots, the blood work. I pray before every trip to the doctors that God is there with me and with the doctors and nurses who are doing whatever millions of different things they do to me when I'm at the doctors.

I KNOW that I serve a good God and that he will provide in his timing. I know that God doesn't like to see me suffer, nor is he punishing me for something in my past. God isn't just looking down on me saying "Oh man Amanda, you shouldn't have skipped church last week, now I'm going to make you wait another month before starting your next cycle of medicine." That's not how God works. He has hand written my story long before I was born. My 2+ years of infertility and trying and trusting in God wasn't for my pain, but for his Glory.

 My infertility has brought me 1000* closer to God than I ever thought I could be. I'm bringing other people closer to God because of my faith in him in these hard times. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If my story of infertility has to last longer so that one person comes to know Christ, then keep me from having children. Make me your servant God. I want to be your vessel. I want to help spread your word and your love throughout the world, one day, one negative pregnancy test, one book of the bible at a time.

For me, Genesis has been a perfect beginning spot to start to read the bible. This season of my life matches up a lot with things in Genesis, so my heart is just so full of gratitude that I started when I did and that I finished Genesis when I did. Genesis means many things; beginnings and origin are two of the most popular, but I like the term "new creation".

Lord, let me have my Genesis. Let me have my new creation. Make ME your new creation today. The past 10 days have been hard, emotional, and stressful, but everytime I opened up my journal and your word, my mind was at ease. My heart was at peace with whatever happens this month with our fertility journey. I know You have gone before me and made a path for us. It might not be a smooth one, but it makes the road more fun. God, I love you. I trust you. Amen

Xoxo

Amanda

The Future of This Blog

I don't want to stop blogging. Can't stop, won't stop. I will however be taking a break from blogging about our infertility journey.

I know. That's the whole reason I started this blog.

As we are drawing closer to our IUI and could very soon be pregnant, I don't want people expecting to see the "it failed we're doing another IUI" post, or I DON'T post that and you figure out quite quickly that I am pregnant.

I don't want to keep you out of the loop, but I think for now I will be focusing my writing on other aspects of my life. Right now it seems like this IUI is running our lives, but I do have other things going on that I will primarily focus this blog on for a few months or so.

It will be so hard not to blog if some amazing news happens, and it'll be equally as hard not to blog if nothing happens, but I have many friends and family who keep up with this blog on a regular basis and I don't want to post something on here and then some long lost person of the internet finds something out before I have a chance to tell the people around me.

So, with that being said, I do have some fun things that I have planned going forward with this blog.

A few weeks ago I fell into a really bad place. I spent a whole Saturday just crying and not being able to stop. I couldn't get out of bed. Depression had hit me. Between having to make all of those calls to Caremark and dealing with them, and starting Letrozole for the first time (and having my first ovulation medicine in my system in almost 5 months) I just couldn't take it. It was a low moment. And it was in those moments I realized what I needed. I didn't need to keep pressing "Watch Next Episode" on Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I didn't need to keep playing games of Spider Solitaire. I didn't even need to go and have a drink. I needed what I always need.

I needed Jesus.

So I called up my best friend, and she instantly said "of course I'll go out with you." So we went to Barnes and Noble(yes we still have a book store near us) and I picked out a new bible. I've had the one I bring to church for years, and I still use it for Sunday Worship. But I made a commitment to God that day. I decided between now and the day that Baby Hyde is born, I will read through the bible cover to cover. I will use this new bible as a clean slate and I have a notebook I won on Instagram I'll be using to take lots of notes throughout the next season of my life. 

I could have 10 months to finish, a year, 5 years. But I want my life to be devoted to Christ, and to raise my children in a Christ centered home. So for me, that means reading and journaling from Genesis to Revolation. 

Each book of the bible I will do a blog post on, so be on the lookout for how each of these books is transforming my life and relationship with God, my family and friends, and husband! 

So keep us in your prayers through these next weeks and months and hopefully we will have a miracle in our near future!

Xoxo

Amanda

The Post Written On Hold

I can't even begin to write this post. It's been the hardest two days emotionally that I think I've had the past two years of trying to get pregnant. I've been pretty low when I see that negative test, or when I start a new cycle, but man today has been the worst day. Let me fill you in.

I started my not so monthly friend yesterday after taking medicine to kick start so that we can start our IUI. I was so excited. I've been so joyous and excited for the past few weeks since hearing we'd be doing an IUI. Yesterday, as per doctors orders, I called to tell them it was day 1 and that I needed to schedule day 3 blood work and ultrasound just to make sure my body is ready to go for this months crazy medicine and procedures. I called, they called back leaving a message "We have a prior authorization on the Ovidrel (the trigger shot that I'll do in a few weeks) but I'm not sure if that's approved yet, but I know the Letrozol is all set."

I'll give you a hint. The Letrozol is NOT all set.

Between yesterday and today, I've probably made about 15 phone calls. Yesterday morning I couldn't even find a phone number for Caremark, so I googled, like every sane person does. Found out it was part of CVS pharmacy, so I called my local CVS where I've been getting prescriptions for years. Guess what, they don't have it. They say to call Caremark, but don't have a number for them, that it's on the back of my insurance card.

I'll give you a hint. It's not on the back of the insurance card.

Next step is calling my insurance provider to hopefully talk to them to get connected to Caremark. Which happens. After a lot of back and forth with them, they finally get me the number for Caremark. I'm half way through getting through to them (which is a whole hassle in itself to talk to a person) when I got a call on the other line from my boss, so I hung up.

Time to start the process over. Again.

Finally, I talk to a real human. I rejoice. I do a happy dance at my desk. I think, "Maybe I'm just getting worried over nothing!" Nope thought too soon. The first woman I talked to was very sweet, got all the information she needed, said that pending approval from the doctor that the medicine would be to me in 5 business days.

Woah woah woah. First of all, back up a few paragraphs where it said "the Letrozol is all set and the Ovidrel was still waiting on the prior approval". So I told them I'd call the doctor to approve it, and then I'd call to have it rush shipped because I needed it by day 3.

Thus began my back and forth between the Dr's office and Caremark. Because the doctor says they have sent the prescription into them to have sent to me, and Caremark says they only have one. It was a long day yesterday and the doctor said "Let's just give it the night and call first thing tomorrow to see if everything went through"

Since I'm writing this post, you can probably assume that things didn't go through.

This morning I called Caremark to check and see what was going on. I was on the phone for 25 minutes with them (mostly on hold or being transferred to a different department) just to be sent back to my local CVS who, guess what, don't have my prescription.

This is the part of my story where I lose it.

I cried. I texted Mike asking if we really wanted to have kids, because I feel like a failure and defeated right now. I cried. I snapchatted my closest friends saying I felt defeated. I posted on facebook needing scripture and quotes. My TTC Instagram Tribe was right there to comfort me, as only women going through infertility can do.

I picked myself up, and called Caremark back. Thankfully the woman I talked to this time was extremely nice. Even if she had to deliver the news that after two days of this frankly bullS***, that Caremark didn't have a prescription either!

I'm. Fuming.

So I call the Doctor. Again. And in the nicest, non threatening way say "Listen they say they don't have the prescription at Caremark. I need you to call it into them and get this figured out. Call me back at my work number."

Which they did call me back. And said that the Ovidrel prescription had the Letrozol on it as well!!! But that they would try to send it into the local pharmacy rather than through Caremark and would call me back.

WHY DIDN'T WE SEND IT LOCALLY TO BEGIN WITH.

This is where my story ends for now at 11:33 am EST. No word on whether I'll have a prescription to take tomorrow or not. I feel forgotten. I feel defeated. The hope I've had the past few weeks is gone. It's not how I wanted to start this cycle. And yet here I am. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say "everything will be ok". I'm human. I have real emotions, and feel hopeless. I continue to just pray that this works. That all of this isn't for nothing.

Baby Hyde, you are loved so much before you are even created. You have so many people rooting for you. Your Heavenly Father is forming you to be such a wonderful child of God. Mommy and Daddy can't wait to know you someday.

Also you better be pretty dang cute after all of this.

Blessings, Peace, and Love,
Amanda

UPDATE (Thursday 6/16)

Praise the sweet lord!!!! I just got the phone call from CVS saying that my prescription is ready for pick up!!!! I can't even begin to contain my joy.

UPDATE (Monday 6/20)

It has been 5 days since my original heart breaking calls to Caremark. I am on day 4 of 5 of my Letrozole so the emotions and hot flashes are starting to take over, but I noticed on Friday that my account still had an order for the Letrozole. I called to see why it was on my online account when I had already picked it up at CVS, not even had it shipped through Caremark, and the man on the other end of the phone said "Oh there's nothing on your account so it probably just hasn't been updated"

Because I'm a smart young woman, I saw that the date it was going to start being processed was today, the 20th, so I said "I'm going to call first thing Monday morning to make sure this is all taken care of." So I call as soon as I get to work, and the nice man on the other end of the phone said "I don't see that order number on your account so you're all set."

Something told me to call back. So a few hours later (about 11 AM) I call back. I give this next man my information. I swear I should just state my name birthday and address to start off with since I know that's what they're going to ask for every single time. He says "I don't see this medicine on your account but maybe it isn't classified as a specialty medicine (where I had been calling the past few times). He sent me to a woman in just their normal pharm. department. She see's the prescription right there on her screen and says "Well you have the ovidrel scheduled to be dropped off at your house tomorrow, and the Letrozole is currently being dispensed.

Excuse me what? Last week you couldn't find that prescription so I had to run around like a mad woman to get it through my pharmacy rather than through them so what gives??

I told her it needed to be canceled and that I need to be refunded the money on my account. She asked why, and I very, semi-politely, informed her that last week they couldn't find this prescription so I had to call back and forth half a dozen times between them and my RE to get the prescription filled through a local pharmacy and not mailed out. I told her I have already been taking the medicine, and that I only needed 5 days of medicine, not the 90 days supply that they were in the process of shipping to me,

Yes, you heard that right. 90. Day. Supply. That's 18 cycles of pills. A year and a half supply. What?? Where the heck did they get the idea that I needed 18 months of pills????

Any ways, after spending a long time on hold (shocker, I know) the woman informs me that they have contacted the department to stop the order but that there is no guarantee that the order will be stopped. If the order isn't stopped, when it arrives at my house, I'm not to open the box and to call them and ask them if I can ship it back since I will not be using it.

I can guarantee you if it gets shipped to my house they will not take it back.

I told her I would call back this afternoon to get an update on what's happening and she said "Oh I would wait at least until tomorrow afternoon to call and see what's happened, it can take a while for these orders and requests to be processed."

You can bet your butt that when I get out of work at 3 today I will be calling and getting this taken care of. If it takes almost two full days to get an order prepped and ready, they can stop it in that time.

I am frustrated. I am quite frankly pissed off. I don't want to have to keep dealing with all of this bologna with the medicine. Although, if this IUI doesn't work, I'll have plenty of medicine to take the following month! *insert a video of me rolling my eyes for an hour here*

UPDATE (6/20 12:07 PM)

My bank account no longer shows a pending transaction, and my online order shows it is being canceled. Let's see if this sticks.

Answering the Hard Questions

I figured I'd give an update, answer some questions I know people have been either wondering or asked, and really just keeping everyone in the loop.

What are our next steps? Didn't you just have an appointment with your RE?

Why yes, we did just have our appointment with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) on Monday. After looking at all of my blood work and tests (which by the way all came back great except for the whole PCOS thing) and looking at Mike's test (everything is looking good on his end as well) we have decided to go with doing a cycle with Intrauterine insemination (IUI). When we went to the RE's, we were expecting to only be doing a medicated cycle like we had been doing before, and I was pretty excited to hear that she wanted to take it to the next step and do the IUI. 

What in the heck is an IUI?

So the IUI is going to give us a higher chance of pregnancy. Rather than just taking the medicine to make me ovulate, I will be taking the medicine to ovulate, I'll be monitored to see exactly when my eggs are mature, Mike gets to give me a trigger shot of hCG to get the ovulation process moving, and then they'll do the procedure 24-48 hours later. Where In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is taking the eggs out, and making the embryo outside of the body, IUI is injecting like a turkey baster (Thank you Jane the Virgin for making IUI a household name).

*Also side note, this procedure, especially because of my age, the medicine I'm going to be taking, and the amount of eggs I have has a higher percentage of resulting in multiples*

So, how are you dealing with all of this Amanda?

Great question. I have no idea. I'm excited to have answers (mostly good), and a plan going forward. I'm happy that we are one step closer to becoming pregnant. It's all every new to me, but the idea that I actually could be pregnant after 2 of the longest years ever? That's what's making it all worth it. I'm scared for it not to work. After now almost 5 months of not being concerned with trying since I don't ovulate on my own, I don't want to get myself worked up and so overly hopeful that this will be it. I don't want the past 5 months to be for nothing. I want this to work. But how am I going to deal with that heart break AGAIN?

And yet, how am I going to deal with actually being pregnant?? The idea of actually being pregnant somewhat frightens me. Not because I'm not ready to be a mother, but after all this time of waiting and trying and tests and countless days and nights crying and praying, what if I'm not up to it? What if something happens? The joy that I've been wanting for so long can just as easily be taken away. And I'm not sure how I would handle that emotionally, especially after waiting and trying and praying for so long.

When does all this kick off?

Well, I'm currently taking Provera to get the next cycle started (probably by next Wednesday if I had to guess) and then we'll be on our way! I'll be spending a lot of time driving the 25 minutes to the RE office for blood work, ultra sounds, and then ultimately the procedure (if I can even call it that. It's a very easy process). From starting my Provera to going in for blood work to see if I'm pregnant, should be about 35 or so days! It's absolutely mind blowing to me that in a little more than a month, I could be pregnant. *See previous paragraph about my holy crap I could actually be pregnant soon freak out*

Wait, so you won't be getting pregnant the natural way? Is that against your religion or something?

Mike and I had a conversation in the car on the way home from the RE on Monday about this. Is it how we would have expected our story to go when we got married? Not at all. Is it possible that we could get pregnant without the medicine, the procedures, the shots, the invasiveness of it all? I would never doubt God to say that it's impossible, but it would be highly unlikely. Aren't there some churches that don't believe in this sort of thing? Yes. Yes there are. Our personal beliefs however are that God wouldn't have created people in his image to become doctors to learn new procedures and find new ways to help people in my situation to get pregnant if he didn't want us to use those ways. Just like with Cancer doctors, they were put here to save lives. My RE was put here to CREATE lives!!!

How can we be praying for you as you move forward?

We could use all the prayers we can get right now. Between my already emotional self who cries at commercials, I'm undoubtedly going to be very emotional over the next month or so. Praying for those emotions to not consume my life would be great, but also for Mike's sanity. I know it's easy in this part of the process to be praying just for myself that the procedure works and that I get pregnant, but I wouldn't be half the person I am if it wasn't for the support of my husband and he could use prayers through this time too. Even though the process is physically happening in my body, he has to deal with a lot of other things on top of this. Putting up with me is a full time job in itself BEFORE adding hormones into my body, and he actually works a full time job on top of that! So praying for Mike as he "watches from the sidelines" sort of speak and that he is able to be a strong support for the next month as I go through being poked and prodded and injected and wait.

My biggest prayer request is just to see God throughout all of this. It's hard to see what the purpose of all this waiting has been. It's hard to know WHY we haven't gotten pregnant yet, and it's even harder to not be angry or doubt God. I think we're both in a very vulnerable place where it would be so easy to just say "God you aren't giving me the desires of my heart, why can't you just________" and that is Satan trying to take over. So be praying for our spiritual well being.


Well, I think that's really all I have to say for now! We are so excited to be starting on a new chapter of this infertility journey. If you aren't already, feel free to follow my Instagram page dedicated just to this chapter of our lives @amandasttc or if you're my friends from Instagram (Hey guys! Love you!) feel free to add me on facebook!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6

XOXO
Amanda

If Our God Is For Us...

 Psalm 37: 1-7;

Don’t worry about the wicked
    or envy those who do wrong.

For like grass, they soon fade away.
    Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

 

Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

 

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

 

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

 

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
    or fret about their wicked schemes.

 

 

I went out seeking verse 4. I knew the words by heart. "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." I love those words. They give me such hope, and they are some of those "Words to live by" scripture. But as easy as it is to memorize one line of scripture and take it out of context and say "wow these two sentences are amazing", I've been trying really hard to read the whole chapter, or at lest the few surrounding verses to get the context of the scripture I've had memorized for years.

Man, was I glad I looked at the scripture around these words.

Verse 5 is another "feel good" verse. "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." I know this verse as well and know it as truth, but something about it just spoke to me today. Am I giving my doctor's visits to God? Am I really giving everything to him? Am I trusting him? The answer, as much as I want to say "Yes I trust God and he is helping me", it's not always the case. I can't say that 100% of the time I trust him. It's hard to fully trust anyone or anything of this earth, especially when you can't see the end results. So that reflects in my relationship with God and that's a struggle. I struggle with trusting God. I haven't always had trust issues with God, but sometimes you feel alone and forgotten about in this journey through infertility.

 

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."

Woah woah woah. Ok God. You know my heart. I'm taking delight in you and you and you're going to give me my hearts desires. Great. But be still? Wait patiently? Are you sure you know who you're talking to? I'm not very good at being still. Even while writing this blog post I've gotten up and gone to the bathroom twice just to get away from the computer for a few minutes. I am always fidgeting and have to keep my hands busy. Maybe patience and being still isn't exactly for me.

Wait patiently for him to act. Isn't that all I've been doing? All I've been doing is waiting patiently for you to act Lord. I've been waiting for over two years for you to act and give us a child. How much longer must I wait??

*At this point I figured maybe I should look up the definition of patience. I've always just looked at is as keeping calm, as I use to be told I have a lot of patience when I worked in child care. However, patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Ok God. I'm listening. *

As I look back over the past two years of waiting patiently, he HAS acted. He has put things into place. It might not be giving us a child right when we started praying, but he acted by giving me the courage to call the first doctor who gave me my diagnosis. He acted by giving me 6 rounds of medicine to figure out that I can be "normal", even thought it didn't result in a child. He gave me courage to call a specialist and to begin that process. I definitely don't have the most patience in the world when it comes to waiting for my child, but I am working on it. And God is working on me, so it's all pretty full circle.

The Power of Prayer

This past week I had the amazing opportunity to spend an evening with our entire worship team just hanging out, eating delicious food, and just getting to know each other. Our church has 3 different campus' so it's hard to get to know the other campus worship teams unless you're like me and singing at two of them.

 

After a good time of fellowship, our worship leader pulled out his guitar and we sang "In God We Trust" and "No Longer Slaves", which were perfect songs for me for the season and the stress I've been going through. After we finished, he opened up the floor for anyone who needed prayer, and I just lost it. I knew a good amount of people there, but not everyone, and certainly not everyone knew before that moment what I was going through.

 

I let it all out. I verbally admitted that I was having trouble trusting God throughout this hard time and how I felt alone. I needed prayer. And Prayer I did get. One of my close friends lead the prayer as the whole group circled around me. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about the prayer she spoke over me. She's been an active part of my story for the past year, and has been one of those friends who I know I can go to with anything, so thank you L for being such a loving friend.

 

One of the things that stuck with me from that night after praying over a few more people was that we need to stop being superficial with each other. We need to stop asking "Hey how's it going?" on a Sunday morning, but to be more blunt and say "Hey Amanda, how's the infertility treatment going?". We need to dive right in and be a real support for each other, actively praying for our Brother's and Sisters who need our love and support.

"If Our God Is For Us..."

I've had the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin stuck in my head all morning this beautiful Spring New England day. "And if our God is for us, than who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, than what can stand against?" This was another truth I needed to hear today. I have felt defeated today. The doctor called to confirm our appointment for Monday to go over test results and said that a few of my husbands test results were never sent in, and that I would need a physical done before they would start a treatment (whether it be just a medicated cycle or IUI or IVF). So now I'm panicking. My mind automatically thinks "Maybe God doesn't want us to have children." "Maybe we aren't suppose to have kids yet. That's why all these things are falling through." But then I remember that God is for me, and to do as it says in Psalm 37 and take delight in the Lord and he'll give us the desires of our heart.

 

Take Delight. Find Peace. Be Patient.

 

I have one last piece of scripture to share with you today. I read the scripture and thought "Wow, this is perfect for the season I'm in right now, but why have I never read it before today??"

 

You know those 6 or so books at the end of the Old Testament that no one remembers or knows any scripture from? Yup. That's where I found this beauty. Right there in the popular book of Habakkuk. How do you even pronounce that?

 

Guys, I fail my God every day. I sin daily and probably don't even know it. I say things like "How do you pronounce that?" about a book in his Holy word! I'm nowhere near perfect.  Clearly this blog is nowhere near perfect. But I recognize that Jesus is the only Perfect one and that I will never be able to compare to him, but I can try to take notes from him and start working on myself to become better and more like him.

Take these words of hope today as we go through life together!

Love you all,
Amanda

Psalm 119:105

This post started off as just a Facebook post. As I kept typing and the words just started flowing, I figured it was going to have to be modified into a blog post. So here ya go world!

 

Infertility Devotional

 

The AMAZING devotional I'm working my way through "Infertility Encouragement from Sarah's Laughter"  brought a beautiful message today that I wanted to share quickly about. The scripture that it was based on today was Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."

The devotional for the day was titled "The Word of God & a Flashlight" (Day 11 if you are wanting to read the full version yourself)

The post goes on to say that if the lights go out in your home, you stumble around a usually familiar surrounding until you can find a flashlight. Once you find that flash light, where do you shine it? Obviously you can't light up your entire house or even the next room. No, you typically point it just in front of your feet to guide your steps.

My infertility journey feels like this sometimes *All the time*. I want God to just light up the entire room. I want to see the whole picture and what's going to come next. I want to know everything. I've always been someone who wants to know "Why?" to everything, which is what makes my journey with Christ and through infertility extremely hard. I like to know how things work (or don't work), how to fix it, exactly what's happening during all these procedures, what each blood test is testing for. I just feel that if I can't be in control, at least I will know what's going on around me.

 

But God has given me that light for one step at a time to guide me through to the end of this infertility tunnel. I can't always know exactly where the next step will lead. For the past two years I've had no idea it would lead us here. I had no idea that my heart would be invested for two years, but my body would only have been "trying" for 1/4 of that time.

 

 

An Update

The past few months have been extremely hard on me. I've tried to not let it get to me, but it's been building up and extremely emotionally and spiritually draining. Since our 6th round of Clomid (cycle started beginning of February) failed to get us pregnant, we have been working with our new doctor. She is absolutely incredible and has been great at telling us what they are looking for in the blood work and the tests and ultra sounds, and what our next steps will be depending on how each of the tests come back. Despite how amazing it's been getting new and more answers, I've just been heart broken thinking about how we've gone three months without really "trying" since we know I won't ovulate.

 

My heart breaks because I just want this to be over. I just want to be pregnant.

 

Being emotionally invested for two years and yet knowing in your mind that only 6 months of that really "count" is so hard. Why can't I be one of those people who miraculously gets pregnant even though they aren't on their fertility medicine. I'm not stressing about getting pregnant right now, since I know that it wouldn't really be possible. I mean, it hasn't been possible for the past 2 years without medicine, why would it be now?

 

Because I have hope.

 

My stupid heart has hope that I could be one of those amazing cases where they were about to start heavier treatment and they fall pregnant. I have hope that if I pray, amazing things could happen.

 

But then the realistic side of me comes in and says "Amanda you're going to have to be on medicine and possibly be poked and prodded and artificially inseminated to get pregnant." Which I would totally be ok with, if I knew when. If I wasn't in the waiting.

 

I'm starting to feel like I have the faith the size of a mustard seed. It is small, barely there, but it's there. And if I have faith to say to ask God to move mountains, he will move them in his time.

 

Lord, I need a miracle. I need you to come into my life in big ways, and move mountains. I need you to part the seas. I need all those promises you've given to your children. The promise of a child to Abraham and Sarah. The promise of Jesus returning again. I need all those promises and that hope today. I need reassurance that you are here. I know you'll never leave or forsake me, and I know you're doing amazing things in my life. God, just remind me of all the amazing things you've done and will continue to do.

 

To all my readers, thank you for sticking with me. I need your support now more than ever before. I love you all!

 

X's and O'x

Amanda