I did out the math. If I want to finish the bible in a year, I have to read an average of 3 chapters a day. (Well, technically 2.98, but we'll round up). By that math, I should only be at chapter 29 of Genesis. I would just be starting to read about Jacob falling in love with Rachel, but having to marry Leah AND Rachel, and his children he had with Leah.
In the past 10 days, my heart has been transforming. I have been opening up my heart to God. I know that sounds super cliché, and it probably is, but I really have felt a huge difference in the past 10 days. I have had something to work on, something to look forward to. I have taken my depression and crushed it with the word of God. And that my friends is GOOD!
So my notes this book have basically turned into my abridged version of Genesis. I wasn't really sure where my journaling was going to end up going, and I'm sure it will change over the following weeks and months. The different books I'm in could change the way I write. But for this book, it was basically highlighting the points of Genesis that either were extremely important to remember, or were things I didn't remember or know from Genesis. There were stories and people in there that I had NO idea about!
It's hard to keep the lineage all straight too. I might need to make a flow chart or something to remember who is married to who, who is the son of who, and who's uncle is actually their father in law too.
So what have I learned. Well, to start, I made sure that I wrote down what God did on each of the first days of creating the earth. Because I know that I can't remember what day he created the stars and what day he created the animals. It's probably something I should really memorize, but I'm getting there. I did find that during the first chapters of Genesis, I was singing songs from the musical "Children of Eden". The musical tells the story of Adam and Eve all the way through Noah. So reading through I was humming different songs that matched the scripture, so that was pretty fun.
One of the first "funny" things I did in my journaling happened in Chapter 3. Verse 16 says "I will sharpen pain in pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth."
I literally put "-_-" next to that in my journal. I was definitely not thrilled to read that. I know that child birth is painful, I'm not naïve. But to read it in the bible that because Eve ate from the tree of knowledge all us women would go through painful births and pregnancy doesn't make me a huge fan of Eve (nor will I probably ever name my child Eve).
Another big thing in Genesis I learned had to do with Noah and his famous Arc. Knowing that man made sacrifices to God in the form usually of lamb, how did Noah make sacrifices to God while on the arc when there was only 2 of each animal? And how did the lions not go and eat the antelope?
Well, God tells Noah not only to bring a pair of every animal onto his Arc, but to also bring 7 pairs of each animal he approved for sacrifice and for eating. So really it wasn't just two of each animal, but there may have been 14 cows on the arc, or 14 chickens (which would be smart may I add. More resources). So that was a huge moment of "oh now I get it" for me.
Genesis 17 is where I started to break down. Abraham and Sarah. This is where God takes people who aren't able to have children and promises them children (Isacc, Jacob and Esau, the 12 sons of Jacob). This is where I see God's promise's play out in a way that I understand. I've never had to live on an arc with a ton of animals for 40 days of floods, plus another almost full year afterwards. But I have lived through infertility. I have screamed probably very similar prayers that Sarah prayed. The same prayers that Rebekah and Rachel had prayed. I had felt the jealousy that Rachel felt when her sister got pregnant with 4 children while she was sill without child.
Sometimes I forget that what is happening to me has happened before. Many many times. Women in the bible even went through infertility. I have the advantage of having modern medicine to help assist with us getting pregnant, but that doesn't mean that I don't pray just as hard as they did. I rely on God to give us a child just as much as Sarah and Rebekah and Rachel and all the other women of the bible. I don't just rely on the medicine, the procedures, the IUI's, the shots, the blood work. I pray before every trip to the doctors that God is there with me and with the doctors and nurses who are doing whatever millions of different things they do to me when I'm at the doctors.
I KNOW that I serve a good God and that he will provide in his timing. I know that God doesn't like to see me suffer, nor is he punishing me for something in my past. God isn't just looking down on me saying "Oh man Amanda, you shouldn't have skipped church last week, now I'm going to make you wait another month before starting your next cycle of medicine." That's not how God works. He has hand written my story long before I was born. My 2+ years of infertility and trying and trusting in God wasn't for my pain, but for his Glory.
My infertility has brought me 1000* closer to God than I ever thought I could be. I'm bringing other people closer to God because of my faith in him in these hard times. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If my story of infertility has to last longer so that one person comes to know Christ, then keep me from having children. Make me your servant God. I want to be your vessel. I want to help spread your word and your love throughout the world, one day, one negative pregnancy test, one book of the bible at a time.
For me, Genesis has been a perfect beginning spot to start to read the bible. This season of my life matches up a lot with things in Genesis, so my heart is just so full of gratitude that I started when I did and that I finished Genesis when I did. Genesis means many things; beginnings and origin are two of the most popular, but I like the term "new creation".
Lord, let me have my Genesis. Let me have my new creation. Make ME your new creation today. The past 10 days have been hard, emotional, and stressful, but everytime I opened up my journal and your word, my mind was at ease. My heart was at peace with whatever happens this month with our fertility journey. I know You have gone before me and made a path for us. It might not be a smooth one, but it makes the road more fun. God, I love you. I trust you. Amen
Xoxo
Amanda
I did a study of Genesis a few months ago and until then I had no idea how many struggled with infertility in the Bible. It was then I realized maybe this journey was presented to me so I could share with others. I believe this is the purpose of your journey too. I believe God sets these paths for us to be a light to others.
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