Now yes, a lot of this is from not sleeping at night thanks to a certain adorable nearly 6 month old nugget. But it's so much more than that.
I feel stuck. I'm stuck between figuring out how to be a mom and how to remain Amanda. I'm trying to figure out how to be the woman Mike married 3 years ago, but still tend to the needs of a baby.I'm trying to figure out how to still be a good friend to the people I love while also having time to just be me.
Right now, life just feels like it's on autopilot. I wake up, bring JP to daycare, go to work, pick JP up from daycare, go home, eat, go to bed. And repeat.
Now sure, he doesn't go to daycare everyday, so that changes things up, and on the weekends I don't work, but I just feel like every day I'm waking up and just looking forward to going back to bed. I don't mean that to be depressing, but I'm just so tired. It's not even noon and I'm just ready to crawl into bed and sleep.
Becoming a mom is hard, and not just in the "holy crud I have to take care of a tiny human" way. It completely changes everything you've known about your life.
For example:
Last night I had an event at the church, which I figured I shouldn't bring JP to, but then was told by the person running it that of course I could bring him. A year ago, or two years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about going to this event. It would have been marked on my calendar for months and I would have been looking forward to it every day. Now? Now I not only was worrying "ok can my mom watch him since Mike works late? Is he going to need a bottle while I'm out? How many diapers should I pack him? Should I bring my pump with me just in case?" And that's after I've taken days to weigh out the pro's and con's of going to an event at night that I wasn't exactly sure when I'd be home.
So after some encouragement, I went, with JP in tow. Did I have a great time? Absolutely. Was my spiritual cup empty when I got there? Double absolutely. But those few hours, even though I did have Josiah and had to worry about nursing him and changing him and all that sort of stuff, was exactly what my exhausted life needed. Yes I woke up this morning tired as can be, but I woke up with joy in my heart and with a spiritually full cup.
As I was talking with a friend this morning, I was reminded that just because I don't see them often, or even if our friendship has gone from one of seeing them almost daily to sending snapchats every few days and commenting on FB, that doesn't make our friendship any less. I know, as we are both moms, that it's hard to get together, although you might think it wouldn't since we both have little humans and we just "get it". But some days, I really just want to stay in my baggy sweats and leave JP in his onesie and not have to leave the house. And I know she feels the same. Would I show up to her house in my sweats and no make up and hair pulled back from not showering for days? Absolutely. But the motivation can be hard sometimes.
It's not that I don't love my friends. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you. It's not that I don't want to know about your life and all the hills and valley's you're going through. Because I want to be there for you. I want to rejoice in your victories, and pray for your sorrows. But I'm just not use to this new life of being a mom and juggling everything, and I just can't give the 110% I want to give.
I've always struggled with needing to be everything for everyone, but after having Josiah, I've learned that I can't be everything for everyone. I can't be a perfect friend, coworker, mom, wife, daughter, and the list goes on. I just can't do it. And I hate that I can't because I WANT to.
I'm so grateful for the people in my life who get it. Who understand that I want to be there. I want to come hang out, go out for dinner, spend time with you. I completely get it now when I would see my friends disappear after they had a child. Not because they wanted to, but because they HAD to. They needed time to figure out how to balance their lives out.
So now I'm thankful for the people who understand I'm trying to figure out this new chapter of my life. To my amazing husband, who has been working so hard for our family and has been so understanding when I'm just not me. My family who has swept in and helped love and care for JP. And of course my friends, who even though it might be a simple message on FB checking in, have made my day and brought smiles to my face.
We've all got a lot of stuff. A lot of baggage. And sometimes we just need a season in our life to just breathe, and catch up from the exhaustion.
XO
Amanda
