Who I Once Was

I don't even know where to begin. This time of year I always start thinking about the past. Some things just stick in your head, and for me, it was this time of year 3 years ago. Man I wish I could go back in time and tell 3 years ago Amanda what was to come.

You see, 3 years ago I was about 2 1/2 months out of a relationship and I was still struggling. I knew it was for the best, and I became so much stronger in my faith in that 3 months from November to February, but I was struggling. I was looking for validation. I was looking for a new guy to fill that hole in my heart. About half way through December I realized that the only man I needed to fill that hole was Jesus, and so I became much more grounded in my faith. I was reading my bible every day, praying consistently, and just letting the Holy Spirit move in me.

 

 

And then, I relapsed and cut off all my hair.

(Note: The date is wrong. This was 3 years ago)

 

 

We all do this. After a relationship ends we do something to relapse. I did two things. I got a tattoo about a month after that says "Listen With Your Heart" (a quote from Pocahontas, my favorite Disney movie, and a life lesson I needed to follow) and then cut my hair in February. I had thought that I found a guy I was going to casually go out with, but it didn't work out. I went back to my bible and I prayed about it. And then I made the quick decision on my break from my job at Payless at the time, walked two doors down to my hairdresser, and said "Cut it all off. Give me bangs."

 

I had changed who I was on the inside. I had let God transform in my heart. So hey, why not change my outside look. I was an independent woman. I had nothing to hold me back. So I cut my hair. At first I loved it! And then I regretted it and started growing out my hair again. And I didn't drastically cut it again until a few months ago.

 

 

 

Yes, these are both me. Two very different versions of myself. I don't even recognize the girl on the left. She was trying so hard to follow Christ, but wasn't fully giving herself to him. She was trying to find validation from men. That girl would have done anything to get a guy to look at her and say "you're so beautiful". Looking back, if I had known I was about to meet my husband just a few days from when that picture was taken, I wouldn't have cut my hair. I would have left it long, grown it out more, and let those beautiful locks be as long as Rapunzel's! But I didn't know that. I don't think really any of us knew I was about to meet my husband, but that's a story for another day.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I'm making a whole post dedicated to the person I use to be and how I've changed. I think it can be good to look back and see how things have changed. Especially in my case, knowing I was literally 4 days away from talking to my husband for the first time, I love seeing the person I was and how she transformed into the person I am. God certainly used that time in my life of making quick decisions and being just me to prepare me for forever with my husband. I still like to make quick decisions (like when I cut somewhere between 8-10 inches off my hair in December), but in marriage, not only do you have to make decisions with each other, you have to make SMART decisions with each other. Trust me, if every paycheck I could go and book a mini vacation , go buy new clothes, or go out and have a fancy dinner every week, I would. But as a mature married adult, I know that isn't realistic and that money has a place to go to (bills, who knew??)

 

I just want to point out a few differences between the two girls in the picture above.

 

First and foremost, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SHOW ME HOW TO PROPERLY USE A HAIR CURLER??? I really don't even understand why I had any friends because that was just a mess. You have to use a curling iron differently when you have short hair, and apparently I didn't understand that concept. Tight Shirley Temple curls look okay when your hair is long because it naturally falls and looks great. Tight Shirley Temple curls when you have short hair makes you look like Shirley Temple. So praises for me learning how to use a curling iron when I cut my hair this time.

 

Secondly, can we take a minute to appreciate how much happier I look now than I did three years ago? Besides actually knowing how to style my hair and look like a normal civilized person of the 21st century, I just look better. I'm not trying to be vein or anything like that, but it's amazing to see what a transformation I've made. I went from having a lot of anxiety and not eating much, not caring what I did eat when I had large meals, and living in a situation that was just not good for me financially and mentally, to leaving all of that behind me, starting a life with the man of my dreams, having less anxiety, eating somewhat healthier (and actually eating!), and working a job with very little stress and loving what I do. I can't begin to describe how fake the half smile thing is in the left picture. Don't be fooled, I wasn't happy back then.

 

Finally, I am so much healthier now! I have easily gained 20 pounds since that picture on the left. And you can tell. I still might be a skinny girl, but I am way more comfortable in my own skin, and that's important. As a wise man said "You should go and love yourself." (by wise man, I mean Justin Bieber). I really do love myself. And I know that Jesus loves me, and forgives me for everything I've done wrong in my life from day one till this very moment in time.

 

So this post goes out to all those girls who are 3 years ago Amanda. To the girls who are trying to be someone their not to get a boy's attention, the girls who are low and feeling that they're not good enough for anyone. To anyone struggling with anxiety or depression, I was that girl. I don't like to admit it, but I was her. I still can be her. But ladies, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are beautiful enough, you are strong enough, you're confident enough. You're loved enough by Christ!

 

 I'll probably look back at this post and see so much strength in myself, but I hope in three more years that I can see these two pictures, add a third picture of who I'll be in 2019 and say "I don't recognize either of these versions of myself because I've changed so much and I've grown to love Jesus more, and here's the update from marriage years 2-5."

 

So be encouraged today ladies. Look at those pictures on Timehop of who you were a year ago, or seven years ago! It's fun! Think about who you were then, where you thought your life would go. Did you life go the way you thought? Mine didn't. I thought I'd go to school, graduate with a Music Education degree and travel the world teaching music. Well, that clearly didn't happen, and I'm 100% ok with that because it wasn't my passion after all (funny, 18 year olds change their minds. Who knew?). Keep your head up, keep smiling, love yourself, and if you're the girl who doesn't love herself, make the change today.

 

"Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good."

-Proverbs 19:8

 

Amanda

Isaiah 56

Before I get this blog post started, I just wanted to share this beautiful photo of how amazing the snow looked on Friday from my apartment's porch.

And now, onto the real blog post!

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me.

I didn't wake up expecting it to be an emotional day. I actually woke up in a great mood. I was ready to go to church, pumped for lunch with friends, and for a relaxing day with the hubby.

And then I entered the doors of our church.

Let me just say that I love my church. I love being able to lead worship and go to a bible study. But some of the best moments in my church is when I just stop my busy mind and just listen. That's what happened to me yesterday.

Back story. I had a talk with my doctor on Friday and they put me on my last round of Clomid (yup, still not pregnant.) so I was a little emotional already not knowing what would happen if this round didn't work. The Clomid makes me a little (ok very) emotional, and so I should have known that I was going to break down at church. I knew we were starting a new series called "Pray for One", focusing on how we can be praying for one person daily for interactions with them to show them Christ's love and to help them find Christ. I thought I was in the clear. "Oh, this sermon is about focusing on other people, that means the whole service is going to be more focusing outward, not inward.

Wrong.

So here I am, standing at church and the first song to be sung was "Desert Song" which is one of my favorite songs right now (pretty sure I've blogged about it too! Find it here). In the bridge is says

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This section repeats itself many times, and this time singing it I just closed my eyes and just sang that out so loudly to God. Those words just resonated in my heart and I couldn't help but get a little tear in my eye. This phrase is so symbolic to me since I am a singer and that's my passion, the fact that I am STILL in this season of life that I thought I would be done with by now, it was just the reminder I needed to really get my head into worship and to get my heart to open and just be softened by God.

This was only the beginning of how this service transformed me.

The second song (which was sung by my awesome friend Chris who nailed it!) is called "Invitation Song." It's a new song we've been doing over the past few weeks at church and I absolutely love it. It's all about inviting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and just receiving Him with open arms. Again, the bridge is what caught me off guard and made me really stop and reflect what the words were saying on a deeper level.

Open up our eyes to see You in the ordinary
We don't wanna miss You anymore
Open every eye to see every day, everything is
Burning with the glory of the Lord

I definitely have a hard time seeing God in the ordinary moments. In the moments I'm just sitting at work, driving home from dinner, or just taking a shower. These ordinary moments are some moments that I pray God will open my eyes to see him. Because I really don't want to miss him anymore. I want to see the little miracles around the world. I want to see the "God Moments".

By this point, I am really trying hard to hold it together. Typically at church it's myself, hubby, my mom, and friends of ours who are recently married sitting together. Yesterday however we went to an earlier service and so it was just Mike and I. So I felt a little more comfortable. Not that I'm not comfortable with other people I know around me, but when it's just my husband and I, we both are just so focused on God and have no distractions or "am I doing this whole worship thing right?" pressures.

I've got everything held together. I have a little sniffle, but I have it together. And then I hear the opening piano part for "Good Good Father" and I just know that I'm done. I've pretty much decided that Good Good Father is the new "Oceans", and I am 100% ok with that because Good Good Father is just another perfect song. I get through the first verse and chorus totally fine. The worship team was killing it. It was amazing. We get to the second verse and here are the lyrics.

Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word

"You know just what we need before we say a word." This line was where I started to cry. And not just a little tear, but the full on glasses off, uncontrollable, glad I didn't wear make up crying. I felt like I was being selfish for taking this time to always reflect on my own problems and how I can't get pregnant naturally and how it's been a long almost 2 years, but then I realize that if I'm going to help other people, I need to break down. I need to let God piece my heart back together.

And so I stood in silence for the next two chorus' and instrumental.

I literally couldn't sing. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

It wasn't that I didn't believe the words that he's a good good father and that we're loved by him, but I just couldn't take away from the moment. When I stood there hearing the lyrics to this chorus for what could have been the millionth time (because I listen to this song almost daily at this point), it was like God was speaking right into me. "Amanda, I am Good. I love you!"

Now by the time we get to a point I can sing we've got about one more bridge left and then the last verse which goes

You are perfect in all of Your ways
Oh, You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
The last verse is what really did me in. It was like I had written this last verse myself just for this moment in worship. I literally couldn't speak and my thoughts were so thrown off that I couldn't think straight.

So now I have finally gotten it together. I am only crying a little bit, and I decide to open up my bible after I've taken communion while waiting for the sermon to start. I open up to the last page I had bookmarked which was in Isaiah 56. Verses 3-5 say this

 

Let no foreigner who is bound to the Lord say,
    “The Lord will surely exclude me from his people.”
And let no eunuch complain,
    “I am only a dry tree.”

 For this is what the Lord says:

“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
    who choose what pleases me
    and hold fast to my covenant—
 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
    a memorial and a name
    better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
    that will endure forever.

 

I needed the reminder that I am a daughter of God and that he will be there for me not only all the days of my life here on Earth, but for eternity to come!

Even though my day started off in a very emotional way, it really opened up my eyes and heart to new things this week. It really softened my heart and encouraged me to just say "I'm here Lord. Use me for your kingdom! Use my pain to show the world that you are here with us and you are good!" So that is my challenge to you this week. As followers of Christ, let's open our hearts and just pray more to God this week and read more in our bibles. Let's lift each other up rather than tear each other down. Let's keep calm, because God is here with us every second of every day!

 

 

I hope everyone has an uplifted week and that you are able to find encouragement in the season you're in from this blog!

 

God Bless

Amanda