Who I Once Was

I don't even know where to begin. This time of year I always start thinking about the past. Some things just stick in your head, and for me, it was this time of year 3 years ago. Man I wish I could go back in time and tell 3 years ago Amanda what was to come.

You see, 3 years ago I was about 2 1/2 months out of a relationship and I was still struggling. I knew it was for the best, and I became so much stronger in my faith in that 3 months from November to February, but I was struggling. I was looking for validation. I was looking for a new guy to fill that hole in my heart. About half way through December I realized that the only man I needed to fill that hole was Jesus, and so I became much more grounded in my faith. I was reading my bible every day, praying consistently, and just letting the Holy Spirit move in me.

 

 

And then, I relapsed and cut off all my hair.

(Note: The date is wrong. This was 3 years ago)

 

 

We all do this. After a relationship ends we do something to relapse. I did two things. I got a tattoo about a month after that says "Listen With Your Heart" (a quote from Pocahontas, my favorite Disney movie, and a life lesson I needed to follow) and then cut my hair in February. I had thought that I found a guy I was going to casually go out with, but it didn't work out. I went back to my bible and I prayed about it. And then I made the quick decision on my break from my job at Payless at the time, walked two doors down to my hairdresser, and said "Cut it all off. Give me bangs."

 

I had changed who I was on the inside. I had let God transform in my heart. So hey, why not change my outside look. I was an independent woman. I had nothing to hold me back. So I cut my hair. At first I loved it! And then I regretted it and started growing out my hair again. And I didn't drastically cut it again until a few months ago.

 

 

 

Yes, these are both me. Two very different versions of myself. I don't even recognize the girl on the left. She was trying so hard to follow Christ, but wasn't fully giving herself to him. She was trying to find validation from men. That girl would have done anything to get a guy to look at her and say "you're so beautiful". Looking back, if I had known I was about to meet my husband just a few days from when that picture was taken, I wouldn't have cut my hair. I would have left it long, grown it out more, and let those beautiful locks be as long as Rapunzel's! But I didn't know that. I don't think really any of us knew I was about to meet my husband, but that's a story for another day.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I'm making a whole post dedicated to the person I use to be and how I've changed. I think it can be good to look back and see how things have changed. Especially in my case, knowing I was literally 4 days away from talking to my husband for the first time, I love seeing the person I was and how she transformed into the person I am. God certainly used that time in my life of making quick decisions and being just me to prepare me for forever with my husband. I still like to make quick decisions (like when I cut somewhere between 8-10 inches off my hair in December), but in marriage, not only do you have to make decisions with each other, you have to make SMART decisions with each other. Trust me, if every paycheck I could go and book a mini vacation , go buy new clothes, or go out and have a fancy dinner every week, I would. But as a mature married adult, I know that isn't realistic and that money has a place to go to (bills, who knew??)

 

I just want to point out a few differences between the two girls in the picture above.

 

First and foremost, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SHOW ME HOW TO PROPERLY USE A HAIR CURLER??? I really don't even understand why I had any friends because that was just a mess. You have to use a curling iron differently when you have short hair, and apparently I didn't understand that concept. Tight Shirley Temple curls look okay when your hair is long because it naturally falls and looks great. Tight Shirley Temple curls when you have short hair makes you look like Shirley Temple. So praises for me learning how to use a curling iron when I cut my hair this time.

 

Secondly, can we take a minute to appreciate how much happier I look now than I did three years ago? Besides actually knowing how to style my hair and look like a normal civilized person of the 21st century, I just look better. I'm not trying to be vein or anything like that, but it's amazing to see what a transformation I've made. I went from having a lot of anxiety and not eating much, not caring what I did eat when I had large meals, and living in a situation that was just not good for me financially and mentally, to leaving all of that behind me, starting a life with the man of my dreams, having less anxiety, eating somewhat healthier (and actually eating!), and working a job with very little stress and loving what I do. I can't begin to describe how fake the half smile thing is in the left picture. Don't be fooled, I wasn't happy back then.

 

Finally, I am so much healthier now! I have easily gained 20 pounds since that picture on the left. And you can tell. I still might be a skinny girl, but I am way more comfortable in my own skin, and that's important. As a wise man said "You should go and love yourself." (by wise man, I mean Justin Bieber). I really do love myself. And I know that Jesus loves me, and forgives me for everything I've done wrong in my life from day one till this very moment in time.

 

So this post goes out to all those girls who are 3 years ago Amanda. To the girls who are trying to be someone their not to get a boy's attention, the girls who are low and feeling that they're not good enough for anyone. To anyone struggling with anxiety or depression, I was that girl. I don't like to admit it, but I was her. I still can be her. But ladies, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are beautiful enough, you are strong enough, you're confident enough. You're loved enough by Christ!

 

 I'll probably look back at this post and see so much strength in myself, but I hope in three more years that I can see these two pictures, add a third picture of who I'll be in 2019 and say "I don't recognize either of these versions of myself because I've changed so much and I've grown to love Jesus more, and here's the update from marriage years 2-5."

 

So be encouraged today ladies. Look at those pictures on Timehop of who you were a year ago, or seven years ago! It's fun! Think about who you were then, where you thought your life would go. Did you life go the way you thought? Mine didn't. I thought I'd go to school, graduate with a Music Education degree and travel the world teaching music. Well, that clearly didn't happen, and I'm 100% ok with that because it wasn't my passion after all (funny, 18 year olds change their minds. Who knew?). Keep your head up, keep smiling, love yourself, and if you're the girl who doesn't love herself, make the change today.

 

"Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good."

-Proverbs 19:8

 

Amanda