New Year

Well, as 2015 closes up, it's quite interesting the things that have changed and that haven't in 2015. Here's how my 2015 went..

I was able to travel to 5 states (Maine, New York, Massachusetts, North Carolina, and California), got a new job, was able to finally get a diagnosis on why I haven't gotten pregnant yet, went to 6 different weddings, got to go to Soulfest, and 3 other concerts, sang with Third Day twice, got to see my best friend give birth to a beautiful daughter, and I started working for Mary Kay.

Wow, it was a packed year.

If I ever say "Man 2015 wasn't my year" somebody slap me. 2015 was a fantastic year. It wasn't what I was anticipating, but it was an incredible year. I can't say that I've ever traveled as much as I did this year. I think just about every weekend I have had something going on between singing at church, vacations, planned trips, or having to go do something with someone. And that is totally ok. It took my mind off the fact that it's been another year without a baby.

2016 I have a feeling is going to be a good year. I hope I can come back and see this post a year from now and see that 2016 was my year. See that I was able to do all I wanted to do.

First and foremost, I want to trust God more than I do now. I want to live out that trust every day.

I would like to move into a bigger apartment by the end of the year (hopefully because...)

I would LOVE to get pregnant/have a baby in 2016. It's also what I wanted for 2015, and it'll continue to be what I want. If I'm unable to have children, I hope we are able to discover that sooner rather than later so we can start looking into other options.

I WILL be going to Disney World again! That's right kiddo's, we're going back to Florida in April! We will be in the happiest place on earth for 7 full days, and it'll be during hubby's birthday week so that will be awesome! We already have our flight/hotel/tickets bought, so now we just save up for the next 95 days to be able to eat and buy little gifts!

I hope to make a difference in people's lives in 2016. I want to be able to say next year was the year I brought someone closer to Jesus. I want to really work hard at following Christ with all my heart, so that other's can see that love in me and see that even through my struggles that I am able to stand up and say I serve a great God and that people get encouragement from that!!

I hope everyone had a very blessed Christmas, and has a great New Year!

God Bless,
Amanda

Fall Apart

I use to listen to this song on repeat for days. Probably more like months. When my grandmother passed away, this song was one of the ones that got me through it.

Let's just put the last picture of the two of us from Christmas 5 years ago right here...

 

 

I never thought I'd relate to this song again. It was just my "my world is falling apart I lost my grandmother" song. But the funny thing is that we're going to keep going through trials. Some days they are going to feel like they'll never end. These trials we go through are all different. My story is different than all of yours, but I'm going to share a secret with you, it doesn't matter if we have one second of pain, or a year of pain, or our entire life just seems like one big long trial, we're all going through it.

 

As I'm listening to all the words of this song, I start to realize that when I cried over this song 4 years ago, I had a break through moment. The first words of the song are

 

"Why in the world did I think I could only get to know you when my life was good? When everything just falls in place the easiest thing is to give you praise."

 

Isn't this true though? I can 100% tell you this is true, because I did it. After I went through months of depression and pain of my grandmother passing away, I started to grow past it. It still hurts (till this day) but I know there's nothing to bring her back and that she was a faithful woman and that I'll see her again one day. So for the most part, life was good. Little hiccups, but life was good. Meeting my husband, getting engaged, getting married, moving in together; this was the "life is good" that Josh Wilson is talking about. It was SO easy to say God is Good and that I was a faithful servant of Christ and that he was doing amazing things with my life.

 

And then infertility hit.

 

Infertility has really been one big Fall Apart moment. It's been 20 months of blood work, testing, ultrasounds, taking my temperature, taking lots of home tests, and don't forget all the amazing medicine I get to take *note the sarcasm* But today, I realized that I'm in the chorus of this song.

 

" 'Cause my whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me but somehow still have all I need? God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts. I find you when I fall apart"

 

There are days that I feel like my whole world is caving in. There are days that I just want to give up on trying to have a baby. There are days that I question if all the testing and medicine and emotional pain is worth it. And then I remember that the same God that was with me during my engagement and wedding and all of the good stuff is the same awesome God who is by my side during all of this. God's hand is still in this. Just because I can't always know why God is doing what he's doing, I know there's a purpose.

 

"I don't know how long this will last. I'm praying for the pain to pass. But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

 

This is what I'm talking about. The bridge really just pulls it all together for me. I don't know how long I'm going to be going through infertility issues. I don't know how long I'll be without a child. I don't even know if I'll ever get pregnant. And I'm just praying for all of this to be done. To be done with all the pain. To just get it over with and go on to the next stage, the being pregnant and having a baby stage. But in the mist of it all, I'm realizing it's actually a good thing. I'm realizing that I have gotten so much closer to Christ in the past 20 months of pain than in the 2 years of "pain free" following I was doing. When you're in these seasons of pain and trial and unknowing, you seek God more than when things are good.

 

This week at church, we discussed John 1:6-14. We spent a large amount of time talking about the difference between "Believing THAT and Believing IN". It was such a great service (here's the link to the sermon online if interested), and a very convicting service. Pastor Ron tells a story of a man who was a tightrope walker who would walk across Niagara Falls and do all these tricks and the people would cheer. One day this man says "do you think I could walk across while pushing this barrel with someone inside?" The crowds all cheer and say yes yes yes and the tightrope walker says "Ok can I have a volunteer?"

 

 Are we being Christians that believe that God can do all things, or are we believing with all that we are and stepping out into that barrel and having to believe IN God. I don't know about you, but for a long time I've just kind of sat on the side and believed that God could do anything. And I'm sick and tired of that, because that doesn't help me, and it doesn't help build the Kingdom of God. It's when we start believing IN God and when I take that first step to run along side him that I will start to see my life transform into a more Christ like person.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you are feeling encouraged today. Remember, God is not done with your story yet, he loves you more than you could ever believe, and that your trials will someday be your triumphs!

 

God Bless

Amanda

(Also I cut my hair)

Thankful

Well, with Thanksgiving just a few days away, I started reflecting on the things I am thankful for. At times in our life, this can be so hard to do. How do I give thanks for things in my life when I feel like everything is going against me?

Here's the good news.

Did you wake up this morning? Are you alive? Then you have something to be thankful for!

Most of us don't live each day not knowing if we'll wake up tomorrow. We all just kind of assume that we fall asleep at night and wake up the next morning. I have people in my life that don't know if their loved ones are going to wake up tomorrow morning, and they are so thankful for the days they have. So why do we sit at our desks counting down the minutes till we're out of work and are thankful to be home, when we could be thanking God for allowing us to have a job and a house to go home to? The simple answer? We take everything for granted.

So this year, here's how my thankful list goes:

First and foremost, I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died for my sins. Without him, I would be nothing. I would be a sinner walking the streets without a care in the world for anyone. I would be damned to Hell for all eternity. But because God gave his only son to die on a cross for my sins, I get to live eternally in Heaven with Him. I can't ever stop being thankful for the sacrifice Jesus gave for me, and I won't ever forget it!

 

I am thankful for my PCOS

Woah Woah Woah hold on. Amanda, you're always talking about how much you hate PCOS and how much you're struggling with getting pregnant. How can you be thankful towards the cause of you not having that joy in your life?

Well my dear readers, it goes something like this. Because of PCOS, I have been able to help other people. I have been able to make a new community of friends through the struggles we're facing. PCOS has also brought my husband and I closer together. I know that may seem weird, but it's just another thing for us to talk about, pray over, and it was actually an answer to prayer to find out I have PCOS. Praying for an answer to why we weren't getting pregnant after a year of trying and getting an answer was an amazing testimony to God. Now our prayers go towards how to overcome this obstacle, but I am so thankful for this season in my life.

I am thankful for my husband.

 

I know, I know. DUH. Of course you're thankful for your husband Amanda.

 

Guys, it is so much more than that.

 

My husband is my rock. He is the one who after a long day of work, comes home, cooks me dinner, and listens to how my short day of work was. He's the one who let's me choose what show we watch at night. He gives me my space when I need it, and cuddles up close when he knows that's what I need before I even know. He is such a man of God, and he leads our home that way. I am so thankful for a man who not only has concern for me here on this Earth and the things we struggle through, but has concern for me in my walk with Christ and pushes me to be a better follower every single day. He believes that I can do anything. I could tell him I want to learn how to swallow swords and he would tell me that I could learn it by next week. When I'm down and crying about not being pregnant for the 19th month in a row, he just holds me and with this joy in his face says "Maybe next month will be it. Never give up hope."

 

Ladies, if you aren't married yet and are reading this, I just want to take a moment to tell you that being with a man who loves Christ more than he loves you is the most important decision you can make as a follower. I know a lot of woman, including myself, can long for that male attention. But when you have a man who is encouraging you to give God all your attention, and that you are priceless in his eyes? Never let him go.

 



I am thankful for the little things

 

The little things we take for granted are the things that are the most important. The fact that I have a car to go back and forth from work, the chips I have to snack on in the afternoon, having a body that allows me to walk up the stairs in my apartment, and just the simple things that I have clothes, food, a home, and a job are just so important. I hope I never lose sight of the fact that being able to live in a world where I can sit here and type this blog and have a) have the internet/a computer to type it and b) the freedom to share my thoughts without being persecuted for them. It truly is amazing to live in country like America. I know a lot of people don't feel that way, especially when it comes to politics, but I am so thankful that I have the ability to live in this country.

 

What are you thankful for today? What can I be praying with you for today? Please let me know!

 

God Bless, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Amanda

Ecclesiastes 12:13

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8

 

 

Good morning everyone! I hope everyone has had a good weekend! For me, the weekend was very long, but very fun. I was babysitting 3 children from Thursday night through Monday morning. It was very out of my element to be at someone else's house for 4 nights and taking care of 3 children (13, 11, and 7) but we had such a fun weekend. We went to Boston on Sunday (and we brought Mike with us too) and they were just so well behaved. Having the little bit of extra money for Christmas shopping isn't too bad either!

 

 

This morning I opened up my bible app for the first time in a week and was hoping to see the verse that I need today. I wasn't sure what the verse would be, but I knew I needed something today. The verse of the day today was Ecclesiastes 12:13 which reads

 

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind."

 

 

I really had to take a few minutes and reflect on this verse because I wasn't really sure why this would be the verse God gave me today. I do fear God and try to keep his commandments, so why is God leading me to this passage today. With all that has happened in the world the past few days, and really over the past year or so, I think God is giving me this verse because of the last two words of the verse. All Mankind. I don't know about you, but I don't see all of mankind keeping God's commandments. I don't see all of mankind fearing God. I see people in this world killing others FOR fearing God. I see people in this world following after false God's and after their own hearts rather than after God's heart. I see people in the aftermath of these attacks and tragedies who don't know where to turn. People who want things to change, but don't know how to change them other than just electing someone else to run their country and hoping they can change this.

 

Change isn't going to come from one person.

 

I hate to admit it, but even living in the free world that is the United States, we aren't safe. And it doesn't matter if our next president is Democrat or Republican, we won't be safe. We can have the best military defense system up, but if people aren't following Christ and praying for healing in our world, things are going to keep happening. People are going to keep bombing. People are going to shoot other people. We can physically try to prevent these things, but we need to be praying to God about preventing these things, and how to move forward after events like Paris, 9/11, and so so many other times of attacks on countries.

 

In verse 14, Solomon writes "For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." I think this is why God gave me this verse today. Not for verse 13, but for verse 14. When we die and go before the Lord, we are going to be judged on what we have done in our lives. Hidden things and things that we did that everyone saw. If we are on the outside fearing God and keeping his commandments, but on the inside are not following these things, God knows. But likewise, we may have so many good things in our hearts that we didn't share with others that God will see and rejoice in.

 

I was scrolling through the verses from the past few days/week and I saw that Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the verses. I love this verse, I don't care if it's cliché or very well known, it's so powerful. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  For anyone who knows what I'm going through with PCOS knows that this verse means a lot to me. God has a plan for me and it's a plan that will not harm me and that gives me hope.

 

Now, when I write that God's plan won't harm me, I don't mean that I won't be safe from harm. I can still be hurt, I am not invincible. But it's meant in more of a Big Picture kind of way. God's there. He doesn't want to see me fail, he wants me to be filled with hope about a future. A future with him!

 

And through my travels through the verse of the day's I found a new favorite verse. The verse I put at the beginning of this post. "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9. Guys I can't begin to express to you how much I love this verse. I am receiving the end result of my faith, which is the salvation of my soul.

 

At church a few weeks ago we talked about just this. Salvation isn't just for when we die, salvation is ours to claim today! Salvation is now AND forever! Sometimes it can be hard to follow God because you can't see him. It can be hard when you don't see all of the amazing things he's laid in front of you today. But even when I can't see those things, I'm still filled with that glorious joy every day! EVERY. DAY.  I am joyous because I have a great God by my side and that will never change. That will never waver. I have salvation through him, and so do you!

 

I think the thing I have the hardest time with as a Christian is spreading his word. I have such a hard time going up to people who I know aren't Christians, or who aren't following Christ, and explaining to them how I have such joy even in turmoil. I have such a hard time saying "Yes, I have PCOS. No, I don't have any children yet. No, not all my dreams have come true yet. But I have a great God who I know is always with me and he can always be with you too." I think this blog has helped me so much in being confident in my walk with God, with being able to vocalize my journey and to help encourage people. It's definitely helped me to be more vocal with people around me and not be afraid to share my faith with them. It's still very easy for me to hide behind my computer screen and not be vocal outside of this comfort zone, but I'm working on it.

 

I hope that this post encourages you to have faith in Christ, to keep the Lord's commandments, and that this world needs our prayers.

 

God Bless,

Amanda

Grace Wins Every Time

New Obsession Song : Grace Wins by Matthew West.

I was putting together a new Spotify playlist yesterday and I was like "oh yeah, Matthew West has a new song, I'll add that."

I have basically been listening to it non stop over the past 24 hours. My journey with Christ hasn't always been the best. I haven't been the best person. I have had the face of a Christian and then behind closed doors was living in so much sin. I will always be a sinner. My past will never change. But praise The Lord that my future is forever changed because of the relationship I've begun to build with Jesus.

When I went to look up the definition of Grace, the most simple and perfect way to define it is in one word. Mercy. And of course, being the person I am, I wanted the definition of Mercy. Mercy is defined as compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. If that doesn't describe the grace of our God than I don't know what does.

Now for me, I could listen to a song and love it and sing along to it for days, but until I read the lyrics, the song never truly hits home. So this morning I decided to read through the lyrics of Grace Wins while listening to it. And right away the first verse really just grabbed me by the heart and said "Amanda you need to listen to this"

In my weakest moment I see you
Shaking your head in disgrace
I can read the disappointment
Written all over your face

Here comes those whispers in my ear
Saying who do you think you are
Looks like you're on your own from here
Cause grace could never reach that far

 

I swear I think this was written for and about me.

 

In the first phrase, it's us really just looking up to God and knowing how disappointed in us he is. The second phrase is all about the Devil getting into our head and saying "Well, sorry. That's just too far for God to love you anymore."

 

But then the chorus guys. The chorus just makes me cry.

 

There's a war between guilt and grace
And they're fighting for a sacred space
But I'm living proof
Grace wins every time

 

 

I'm living proof that grace wins every time! I am still here. God hasn't cast me out. He is still right here, no matter how far I've strayed from him. No matter how much I doubt, he's still here. When I come running back, he's here. When I look for forgiveness, he covers me with that grace!

 

 

For the prodigal son, grace wins
For the woman at the well, grace wins
For the blind man and the beggar, grace wins
For always and forever, grace wins For the lost out on the street, grace wins
For the worst part of you and me, grace wins
For the theif on the cross, grace wins
For a world that it lost

 

I really wanted to dig deep into the bridge. Because Matthew West talks about so many different people, both biblically and in our world now, that grace still was given to them! So let's get into this.

 

For the prodigal son, grace wins.

 

The story of the prodigal son is one that most people know about. The story can be found in Luke 15 verses 11-32. It tells of a man with two sons, the younger of which wanted his share of his father's estate, and then left home. After leaving home, the younger son went through all of his belongings and ended up having to work feeding pigs, starving. He knew he needed to go back home, but thought his father would never take him back into his home. But when he returned home, his father was so overjoyed to have his son back that they threw a huge party in honor of him coming home. Grace won! 

 

For the woman at the well, grace wins

 

The story of the woman at the well may not be quite as popular as the prodigal son, but I think it is one of my favorite biblical stories. Jesus goes to Samaria and after traveling sits by a well. When a woman comes to draw water from it he asks her for a drink. Her response is "You are a Jew and I am a Samarian, how can you ask me for a drink?" At this point, Jesus starts to tell her of the living water that salvation in him gives. Of course, this woman wants to know more about this eternal life water and so Jesus tells her "go and fetch your husband." She responded telling him that she didn't have a husband. And Jesus, being the kind of guy he is says "You're right. You actually have 5. And the man you're with right now isn't even your husband." Wow, Jesus 1: Samarian woman: 0. But guess what, because she decided to follow Jesus, Grace won!

 

For the blind man and the beggar, grace wins

 

Jesus was a healer, not only of physical ailments but of the soul. In John 9:1-11, Jesus meets this blind man from birth (who is also a beggar). His disciples asked him "Who sinned?  The man or his parents?" Jesus replied that it was neither, but he was blind so that the works of God would be displayed in him. He rubbed mud on his eyes and told the blind man to go and wash it off. When the man returned, the people of the town were surprised to find that this man who could now see was the same man who left a blind beggar. Because of Jesus' healing hand, Grace won!

 

I could go on and on about everyone else on this list, but I thought it was important to point out that these 3 people in the bible all had different sins, different stories, and came to The Father in different ways, but no matter their sin, no matter how far they strayed and turned from God, they all came back. God loves me, and he loves you too! Even when you're down, feeling so low that no one could ever love you, especially this perfect man called Jesus, know that he does love you, and he wants you. He wants every broken piece of you. God wants to use you for his kingdom and to show you that grace wins every time!

 

If you're reading this today and you aren't a follower of Christ and you're wondering what this crazy lady on the internet is talking about, I encourage you to send me a message. I know that when I first started going back to church in college, after growing up in a very traditional church, that I was so confused by all of this. How could God love me? I've been told God knows everything that I've done since day 1. How could God want me? How could he use me?

 

My friends, it's my past, my sin, and how I've overcome so many things in 23 years. That's how God is using me. He's using me through this blog, through talking with people in my community, through singing at church, and in my daily life of just surrendering all to him. He's using me. And I assure you, if he can use me and take me and love me, he wants you too!

 

Scripture of the day for you

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship" - Romans 12:1

 

God Bless

Amanda





Random Scatterings in my Brain

First Random Thought that I wanted to share: I dyed my hair last night! It's a Violet Red color and I am OBSESSED WITH IT.  I was hoping when I dyed my hair last month that I would have the courage to do this, and I didn't. But this time I said "You know what? I'm doing it!" I also got some new layers put in but the length is the same and I'm still growing out the bangs. Here's a picture.

 

 

It's pretty amazing. I can't wait to go out after work today and take pictures with my mom and she's going snap a few of me so hopefully they'll come out good!

 

Work has been going really well. I am loving learning more about the stock market, and about some of the things my boss does for his clients! I have learned a lot of things for the job in a surprisingly quick timeframe. And my boss and I get along really well so that's just a big bonus!

 

Mike and I are doing great! Since I've started this new job, I actually see my husband more than one night a week. That's not something that should have been happening anyways, but working in food service, you have to close your restaurant. And he works 930-615 so if I closed (which lets be honest over the summer I closed more often than not) he was already asleep. So now that I'm out at 3 and he's home at 630, things have been amazing. We eat dinner together, watch a movie, are able to go to small group, you know, things normal married couples do and take for granted. Switching jobs has been probably the best decision I've made in a long time!

 

Getting pregnant is hard! We're going on 19 months of trying to get pregnant, and still nothing. This cycle I decided NOT to take the Clomid, and that was the worst idea ever. When I was on the Clomid the past 4 months, everything has been on time. 31 days on the dot. Today is day 34, and I'm not even sure if I ovulated yet. So of course, I'm kicking myself for not taking it this month, but I needed a break. It was making me so emotional, so anxious, and SO HOT. I couldn't start a new job on that kind of mind set!

 

Looking back at a year ago, it's so crazy to think about what I wanted my life to look like. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted our family to grow. I wanted to have cravings, to puke 5 times a day for months, to go through the pain of child birth. I wanted every horrible moment of it, because I wanted a beautiful child. And a year later, I'm still that woman. I still want that baby. And I've seen so many people get pregnant and have babies in the year and a half we've been trying. I kept screaming When is it my turn God?!?

 

In the past 6 months I've really learned that I can't control this as much as I want to. My body isn't going to let me. And I've accepted that it will take a while to get pregnant. I've accepted that my body isn't ready for a baby yet. I've accepted that it is all in God's timing.

 

As I was scrolling through my facebook feed today, I came across a quote I wanted to share with you guys today.

 

"Sometimes our greatest disappointments today will set us up for God's best appointments tomorrow."

 

Oh I love this so much. This is what I'm going through. This is my heart.

 

The other thing I wanted to share was a song. I first heard this song at the church I went to in Maine for 3 years. The youth pastors wife sang this as a special music one week and I just thought it was beautiful. When I reheard the song today, I realized the song was written for me. The song is called "To Those Who Wait" by Bethany Dillon. I love the whole song, but this particular lyric just pops out at me every time I hear the song.

 

Oh, wretched man that I am!
Free me from my distractions.
You say You’re good to those who wait.

 

 

I guess that's really all for today. This wasn't really a one topic post and I'm sorry about that, but as the title said, I'm really scattered today!

 

A verse to keep with you today.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10

 

Blessings

Amanda

 

All I want is to be in the light

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1:7

What a powerful message to read on this Wednesday. The sky outside of my window is gray, the leaves colors looking dull, and my verse of the day is about the light? Something seems a bit ironic in this.

Let me show you the few verses before this verse of walking in the light before I dig into it deeper. Starting in verse 5:

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness,  we lie and do not live out the truth."

The more I'm reading over these three verses (5-7) the more I fall in love with it. It is so easy for us to slip into darkness. We might not even realize that we have been walking in darkness! As followers of Christ, it is so important to be following God's way, God's light. It says it plain as day in verse 6 "If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walking in darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth."

I don't know about you, but when I read that, I think of instances in my life where I was claiming to follow Christ and yet was walking in darkness. I was trying to minister to other people, trying to work with youth, and trying to spread the light of God, but I myself was living in darkness. I wasn't pursuing God. I was pursuing that happy feeling inside. I wanted the benefits of Jesus without doing any of the work. I knew the truth of Christ, that he had died for my sins and risen from the grave, but I wasn't living out my life in a way that glorified that truth.


We all have those moments where we finally get it. We finally see what everyone else is talking about.


Like the moment I first watched Frozen after not wanting to watch it because everyone and their mother thought it was the best thing ever and I didn't want to be another band wagoner.

In my faith, that moment came about 3 years ago.

I had been "following" Jesus for about a year and a half at that point. I came to God when I thought that I couldn't be any lower. My grandmother had just passed away. I couldn't think of anywhere else to look but up to the heavens and pray. From that day forward, I called myself a believer. And after mourning her loss (which by the way, I still cry when I hear certain songs or see pictures of us because I miss her so much), I realized that God had a plan.

I was very active in the church I went to during college and the year after. I was on the worship team, worked with the 4th-6th graders in Sunday School, went to bible study, and spent lots of time with my church friends. I was happy. I thought that was enough. I had a boyfriend who wasn't a believer, but I thought maybe I could change that. Maybe if I prayed hard enough that he would come to know the God that I loved so much. And a lot of people around me reminded me of the scripture 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

But my boyfriend couldn't be darkness or wickedness. He was so nice. We had fun together. Why would people keep telling me about this verse?

And then, just like that, God ripped that happiness away from me. My boyfriend and I after a year and a half broke up, and I felt just as low as when my grandmother passed away. I felt like God had forgotten me, and that he didn't want me to be happy. I had lost the person I cared about most and I didn't understand why I couldn't fix it.

And then I realized that I wasn't living for God's light. I was living for myself. I didn't care if my actions glorified God outside of that church building. I wanted to be happy and live the life I was use to.

And then I remembered 2 Corinthians 6:14. And I realized that all that time, even though I hated to admit it at the time, all those people were right. They all agreed that he was a great guy, but he wasn't following Christ and that wasn't going to work. And looking back, I praise God so much for not letting that work. I praise him for pulling me out of that darkness, out of my sin I was living in, and for giving me 3 months to really just spend time with Him and to learn what it really meant to be a follower of Christ.

Those 3 months between November 2012 and February 2013 were some of the best months I've ever lived. I was digging into God's word more than I ever had before. I was going to bible study and participating and contributing to the group. I started memorizing scriptures. I was doing good works for the Kingdom of God.

I remember praying during the giant snow storm in February 2013 "Lord if it is your will, send me a man who is following after your heart, that can help me to grow and walk along side me in this life."

And I kid you not, the next day I met my husband on an online dating site.

I'm so thankful that I now live out that 1 John scripture about walking in fellowship with others who are in the light. My husband has since day 1 been my spiritual rock. He helps me when I'm feeling sorry for myself, reminds me "WWJD" and just really keeps things in perspective for me.

I hope that my story about finding the light and walking with the light has inspired you. I hope if you're like I was and walking in darkness that this message may help you to see the light of God.


One last thing, the entire time I've written this blog, I have been humming dc Talks "In the Light". It fits perfectly with this scripture. I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do!

 

God Bless,

Amanda

Acts 4:12, Matthew 6:34

Acts 4:12
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.

Wow. What a great way to start off my morning today. I have my hot cider in one hand, my favorite green jacket on, my make up is perfectly matching my outfit, and I am out the door to work. When I get to work at 9, I remember my boss is at a meeting and will be back a little after 9. I log into my computer, get my emails up and running. He's still not here. I send off information to customer service. "Great!", I think to myself, "When my boss gets back, he'll be so excited that I got a few things done to kick start our day!"

Ladies and gentleman, I have been at work for nearly two hours now, and still no word from my boss. So what do I do? I pull out my phone and open up my bible app. And the verse of the day today is Acts 4:12. And boy was that such a great reminder of my faith. See, I don't know about you, but for me, I need these reminders daily. It's so easy to see the world we live in and think "where is God in all of this? Shouldn't I just trust in doing good and being nice to others? That will be pleasing to the world right?" And yes, the world does love when people do good things and are nice. Heck, I love it when people are actually nice to me when I'm at the mall, or buying groceries, or getting my hair done.

But that isn't the way to salvation. We can't trust in other people to save us. We need to trust in the one true King of this world. For me, I love knowing that I have faith in a God who I feel save with. I love knowing that I put my trust in him and I will be saved eternally.

So, after I read this passage and really let that sink in, I think, "Maybe I should look back at some of the other verses of the day from the past few days." And the verse from yesterday was one of my favorite verses.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This verse standing on its own is very powerful and beautiful. Kind of reminds me of that famous Bob Marley song...but that's a post for another day.

So, for those of you who know me, or who have read through some/all of my blog, you probably know that I'm a worrier. I struggle with anxiety. And I can worry a LOT about things that really don't matter. I also worry about things that I can't control. And that is ok, because we are humans. We mess up. We have flaws. We have sin. And this verse could probably be one of my favorite verses on its own because of my flaws. I need that reminder daily that tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has trouble of its own. Why worry about tomorrow when I have things today that need my attention? I can't worry about the what ifs of my life when today I need to focus on doing my job, going to help my mom with a work event, feeding the cat, doing the laundry and dishes, and so on and so on. Each day, we have so many things that we face, and we can't be worrying about the next day's problems!

The thing about Matthew 6:34 is that it is a feel good verse. We are all very good at picking and choosing verses that we like (or want to use against others, which is not right.) and just saying "yup, don't worry about tomorrow it has it's owns problems...". So I just want to give you a sense of what is going on in Matthew 6 before this famous verse.

In my version of the bible on my phone (NIV), verses 25-34 are bunched together under the title "Do Not Worry". So we are on the right path for verse 34. But verse 25 starts with the word "Therefor". I learned a few years ago that if a line is starting with therefor, you should probably see what the few verses are before that that they are referring to! So, Matthew 6:24 says "No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."

Continuing on into verses 25- 27
"Therefor, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not  life more than food, the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Thanks for that reality check Jesus. "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" I think that pretty much hits the nail on the head. Worrying isn't good for your well being and Jesus points out to us that it isn't going to add time to our lives, so why do it?

Verses 28-30 speak of another metaphor of worrying about clothes and the flowers of the field. But verses 31-33  are what really lead us into our "Do not worry about tomorrow" verse. Matthew writes:

"So do not worry, saying 'what shall we eat' or 'What shall we drink' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Now, I'm not bias, but Matthew 6:33 is my all time favorite verse, and is my husband and my life verse, so this post has been coming very easily to me.

How cool is it to know that we may think "But God, I need food." or "But God, I need clothes." and God basically just says "Ok Amanda, I got this.", all because I am seeking his kingdom first. He promises that if we keep our eyes off of the things of this world, and keep focusing and seeking out His ways, that he will give us all things we need and desire (within his will). I just love that promise that as long as I am following Christ and seeking his will in this life, that all my needs will be given to me.

This doesn't mean however that I am to just quit my job, stop paying my student loans, and say "well, I trust God so I'm going to just let him take care of this." I truly believe that working is a gift from God and that he is helping me with things of this world by giving me a job. I trust God 100%, and if he said 'quit your job and follow me" I'd like to think that I would. But God calls us to things and gives us open doors to places that we might not have ever have dreamed of. I never thought that I would be working in an office, but yet God lead me here.

So my friends, I hope you have a worry free day filled with God's love! As I wrap this up, I just want to pray over all of you.

Dear heavenly Father, we thank you so much for the gift of your word and your promises. Help me to continue to follow your words of guidance and to keep helping others follow those words. Lord, you are such a mighty God and I just praise you for taking the worry and anxiety from me that I have struggled with for so long. Help me to continue to be anxiety free and to keep following you. I pray a blessing over all the people reading this from all over the world, that they may know your love for them and that they know your son Jesus died for their sins! Father, we love you, and it's in your name we pray. Amen

God Bless You
Amanda

Just Be Held

As I'm sitting at work listening to my Third Day Pandora station and stuffing 130 envelopes for clients, I was thinking and contemplating what to blog about next. This blog is mostly my struggle with PCOS and how I'm walking with God through it all, and to compliment that perfectly, the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns comes on. All I can remember is the story that Mark Hall (the lead singer of Casting Crowns) told before singing this song at Soul Fest.

He told us about how each song that he has written (or that he has co-written) has had a story behind it. The song Thrive came from his youth group, as most of his songs do being a youth pastor. He told about how the song "Praise You in the Storm" was about us looking up to God and just surrendering in every season of our life, rain or shine. Then when he started to talk about Just Be Held, he got very quit. The song is basically God's perspective of "Praise You in the Storm", kind of a call and response. But what got me was when Mark said, "When I wrote this song a few years ago, it was the only song I'd written that there wasn't a story behind it, or someone I was writing it for. It wasn't until this year I realized I was writing it for myself!" As some of you may know, Mark was diagnosed with cancer back in March and had to have one of his kidney's removed.

When I listen to Just Be Held now, all I can think of is the trouble I'm going through now, but that Mark went through two years of not knowing why he was writing this song, and then realizing it was for him. Not for a friend, not for someone in the crowd that night, but for himself. I think that sometimes we forget about ourselves. We get so wrapped up in helping others that we forget to help ourselves. And the first verse of that song really hits home for me and the season I've been going through.

"Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong.
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on.
When you're tired of fighting, chained by your control.
There is freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go."

Everything about this just resonates with me. I have always tried to be that strong person for everyone else. When bad times hit, I am the one that is being leaned on. I'm the one everyone's calling for advice and looking for help. So being on the other end of things is really hard for me. But that last line, "There is freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go." I think that just hits home with me. It's hard to give up stuff, physical and emotional. It's hard to let go of those negative thoughts that can surround you when you don't see God answering your prayers the way you want them to be. There isn't freedom in doing it your own way. There isn't freedom in saying "well, if God's not going to do it, I am." There IS freedom in surrendering to Christ!!! Surrendering all your baggage, all your sin, all your troubles. Surrender your illnesses to him. Surrender your depression, your anxiety, your self esteem issues, your addictions. Leave them all at the cross!

In Matthew 4:19, Jesus tells us to follow him and he will make us fishers of man. I hope that if I hear the call to stop what I'm doing and to just follow Jesus, that I will do so. I have in the past, and I hope that in my days to come I will remain as faithful to him as he is to me!

All of this isn't something that typically just happens over night for most of us. All it takes is a moment to lay your sins down at the throne of Jesus, and all it takes is a moment to pick them back up again. Once you lay down your sin, your disease, and everything else, you have to continually lay them down! I have laid down my PCOS at that cross so many times, but somewhere along the line, I think I can handle it all on my own, and I pick up that burden again and it weighs me down again. And I do this more times than I'd like to admit. So this isn't just to encourage you, but to encourage and remind myself too that I need to keep laying my burdens at the cross and follow Jesus.

So ladies and gentleman, keep your heads up, keep your dreams big, and keep on loving Jesus!
God Bless
Amanda

"Why don't you just adopt?"

This post is going to be hard. I needed to pray before writing this because I don't want to offend anyone but here it goes...

"Why don't you just adopt?"

If you follow my Instagram you may have seen this comment on a recent post of mine. And I was kind of taken back. My post was something along the lines of "my temp drastically dropped again, I'm giving up hope." And someone commented saying "why don't you just adopt. There's plenty of unwanted babies that need mothers." 

Let me just start by saying. I did reply to this comment on Instagram. And I had to really watch what I said, as I will have to do here. But I think this needs to be said. 

Just because I've been trying to get pregnant and have been unsuccessful so far, does NOT mean I have to give up and "just adopt". Anyone who knows me knows I have a heart for children, and I 100% will adopt a child some day. But today isn't that day. 

Adoption is just as hard as getting pregnant. First of all, we can't adopt yet because we haven't been married long enough in the governments eyes (they won't even look at your application until you're at least 3 years married), and we aren't in an environment that they would say is ok for a child (a one bedroom. Oh the horror!). 

And don't even get me started on the price. We would have way less kids in orphanages and in foster care if it wasn't so expensive to adopt these children! If we had the money to adopt a child we would do so tomorrow! But it guess what? We don't. And that's ok. 

So to answer your question "why don't you just adopt?" Kind person of the Internet, I'm not going to "just adopt" because to me a child is so much more than giving in and picking up a child from an orphanage. It's not like a dog where you go pick out a pet for the next 10-15 years, this is a human being. And if I'm going to adopt, there needs to be a lot of prayer about if it's Gods timing, where to adopt from, WHO to adopt. And adopting shouldn't be a last resort. "Well, I've tried getting pregnant but I guess that's not happening so we have to adopt." No. No no no. If God is calling you to be a parent (whether biological or adoptive) God will provide! And if you're faith is dwindling that you will have a child, you need to become closer to God before bringing a child into your life. 

I have a lot of emotions about this, especially being on day 1 of my cycle and having a lot of hope gone. But it's ok. Because God provides. Trust him. I'm trying so hard, and I feel like I've been falling short, but just keep trusting and following. 

Show Us Your Glory!

Yesterday I wasn't having the worst or best of days. It was my best friends birthday so we had lunch and dessert and went shopping and had a blast!

But something after that switched. I just felt off. Mike and I went grocery shopping, I went to two stores looking for "Not Your Father's Rootbeer" and it was down pouring the whole time. And al I could think of was the song "Open Up the Heavens" by Vertical Church. And the lyrics saying "open up the Heavens, we wanna see you. Open up the floodgates, a mighty river. Flowing from your heart, filling every part of our praise" and I just kept singing that over and over and over. I finally turned the song on and listened to the bridge. "Show us, show us your glory. Show us, show us your power. Show us, show us your glory lord!" And I just had that as my prayer. On this dark rainy day when the Clomid was starting to bring out emotions I don't like, those dark sad and emotional emotions, I just wanted to see his glory and power. I go into the 3rd grocery store, find my item, and as I leave the store for some reason I looked up to the sky with this song still stuck in my head (since the heavens were certainly opening up with all the rain) and there was the biggest and brightest full arch rainbow throughout half the sky! And it was the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen. 

But what made it more beautiful? The second rainbow above it. It was faint but it was there. I can't start to describe the joy in my heart that things are going to be ok. With my anxiety. With my infertility. With our bills. With my life. Things are going to be ok. The sun keeps coming our. The SON will keep appearing. God is here, he is actively watching, giving his wisdom, and reminding me that the things of this world that cause me so much pain are only temporary. One day (hopefully soon) I won't be crying every time I have a negative pregnancy test. I don't have to take this medicine any more to help us have children that makes my emotions out of wack. I don't have to worry forever that I'll never pay off my student loans. Only a season. Only a season.