I find myself saying this all the time, but I still can't get over the fact that I am pregnant. You would think by now, at 36 weeks pregnant (and also exactly 1 month till my due date) that it would have sank in. And yet here I am, waddling around, peeing all the time, barely sleeping, and I can't believe I'm pregnant and get to be a mommy to this precious little boy.
It seems like forever since I've blogged. Actually, it seems like forever since I've really done anything that isn't work, church, or baby related. Yesterday I sat down at the piano and played/sang for a good solid hour. I couldn't tell you the last time I just sat and worshiped at a piano. I never thought I'd be one of those parents who forgets about their own loves and needs, but yet here I am, spending most of my time reorganizing his clothes for the 17th time, restacking diapers, moving toys from one shelf to another, and just sitting in his room.
I literally find myself just sitting in his room for hours.
Now, part of that is definitely because I get into one position that is comfortable and I don't want to move out of fear of not being able to be comfortable again. A lot of it though is because I just enjoy being in his room thinking of all of the time I will spend in there over the next however many years we're in our apartment. I think of all the diapers I'm about to start changing, all of those books on the shelves that I'll be reading. I find myself crying and just thanking God for the miracle inside of me, and praying for the space to be a safe place for our son and that he grows up into an amazing man like his father.
Let me tell you though, as excited as I am to have this guy in our lives in a matter of weeks, I'm completely terrified all at the same time. As much experience as I have in the education field, as much babysitting as I've done, all the diapers of other children I've changed, all the bottles I've prepared, all the songs I've sung to put kids to sleep, it's never been MY child. I've given those children back to their parents after a few hours or after a day at the daycare. I clock out, get paid, and go about my life. And it terrifies me that there isn't that option anymore. It's my child. I'm the one that has to pick him up at 3 am and feed him. There is no "break". There's no "I'm going to just run to the store and grab a few things" anymore. I will ALWAYS have him on my mind. Did I feed him enough? When was the last time I changed his diaper? Is that diaper rash because of the diaper or because of the cream I put on him? Was that a sneeze? Is he allergic to the cats? Did he scratch his face? Does he love me?
All these doubts and fears come in waves, and usually not very often, but when they hit it's like I'm pulled under water and can't escape out of those thoughts. There are so many days where I think it'd be easier if he just stayed inside of me forever. He's protected from the outside world there. He doesn't have to worry about who's president or what the cool brand of sneakers are when he's 12, or if it's going to snow or rain tomorrow. He's safe. And it frightens me the world he's going to grow up in.
Then I look at the people he'll be surrounded by. His immediate family (Mike and I) are obviously going to love him beyond measure, and love each other even more than that, and God even more than that. I think having that family unit centered around Christ and Love will be the biggest contributor to how he will be as he gets older. Growing up in a home full of love for God and for ALL people. But not only his immediate family, but his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, his extended family out of that. They all are going to love him so much, and each bring such unique things to his life and upbringing. I couldn't have hand picked a better family for him to be born into, both on my side and on hubby's. Add into that the amazing teacher's he'll have at daycare, the amazing friends I have made through different jobs, and church, and even you, dear friends of the internet. I have no doubt that he'll grow up knowing he's ALWAYS loved.
I feel like all of my blog posts have been super scatter brained recently (if you can call the fact that I wrote my last one nearly 2 months ago recently), but yeah, things are good. Uncomfortable as it's the last few weeks of this adventure, but good. Here's some updated pictures on how huge I'm getting.
Photo's from our Maternity Session (Photo credit to Laura Elaine Photography)
8 Months vs 9 Months
XOXO
Amanda, Mike, and Bump
