Fall Apart

I use to listen to this song on repeat for days. Probably more like months. When my grandmother passed away, this song was one of the ones that got me through it.

Let's just put the last picture of the two of us from Christmas 5 years ago right here...

 

 

I never thought I'd relate to this song again. It was just my "my world is falling apart I lost my grandmother" song. But the funny thing is that we're going to keep going through trials. Some days they are going to feel like they'll never end. These trials we go through are all different. My story is different than all of yours, but I'm going to share a secret with you, it doesn't matter if we have one second of pain, or a year of pain, or our entire life just seems like one big long trial, we're all going through it.

 

As I'm listening to all the words of this song, I start to realize that when I cried over this song 4 years ago, I had a break through moment. The first words of the song are

 

"Why in the world did I think I could only get to know you when my life was good? When everything just falls in place the easiest thing is to give you praise."

 

Isn't this true though? I can 100% tell you this is true, because I did it. After I went through months of depression and pain of my grandmother passing away, I started to grow past it. It still hurts (till this day) but I know there's nothing to bring her back and that she was a faithful woman and that I'll see her again one day. So for the most part, life was good. Little hiccups, but life was good. Meeting my husband, getting engaged, getting married, moving in together; this was the "life is good" that Josh Wilson is talking about. It was SO easy to say God is Good and that I was a faithful servant of Christ and that he was doing amazing things with my life.

 

And then infertility hit.

 

Infertility has really been one big Fall Apart moment. It's been 20 months of blood work, testing, ultrasounds, taking my temperature, taking lots of home tests, and don't forget all the amazing medicine I get to take *note the sarcasm* But today, I realized that I'm in the chorus of this song.

 

" 'Cause my whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me but somehow still have all I need? God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts. I find you when I fall apart"

 

There are days that I feel like my whole world is caving in. There are days that I just want to give up on trying to have a baby. There are days that I question if all the testing and medicine and emotional pain is worth it. And then I remember that the same God that was with me during my engagement and wedding and all of the good stuff is the same awesome God who is by my side during all of this. God's hand is still in this. Just because I can't always know why God is doing what he's doing, I know there's a purpose.

 

"I don't know how long this will last. I'm praying for the pain to pass. But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

 

This is what I'm talking about. The bridge really just pulls it all together for me. I don't know how long I'm going to be going through infertility issues. I don't know how long I'll be without a child. I don't even know if I'll ever get pregnant. And I'm just praying for all of this to be done. To be done with all the pain. To just get it over with and go on to the next stage, the being pregnant and having a baby stage. But in the mist of it all, I'm realizing it's actually a good thing. I'm realizing that I have gotten so much closer to Christ in the past 20 months of pain than in the 2 years of "pain free" following I was doing. When you're in these seasons of pain and trial and unknowing, you seek God more than when things are good.

 

This week at church, we discussed John 1:6-14. We spent a large amount of time talking about the difference between "Believing THAT and Believing IN". It was such a great service (here's the link to the sermon online if interested), and a very convicting service. Pastor Ron tells a story of a man who was a tightrope walker who would walk across Niagara Falls and do all these tricks and the people would cheer. One day this man says "do you think I could walk across while pushing this barrel with someone inside?" The crowds all cheer and say yes yes yes and the tightrope walker says "Ok can I have a volunteer?"

 

 Are we being Christians that believe that God can do all things, or are we believing with all that we are and stepping out into that barrel and having to believe IN God. I don't know about you, but for a long time I've just kind of sat on the side and believed that God could do anything. And I'm sick and tired of that, because that doesn't help me, and it doesn't help build the Kingdom of God. It's when we start believing IN God and when I take that first step to run along side him that I will start to see my life transform into a more Christ like person.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you are feeling encouraged today. Remember, God is not done with your story yet, he loves you more than you could ever believe, and that your trials will someday be your triumphs!

 

God Bless

Amanda

(Also I cut my hair)