To Those Still Hurting...

Man these past few months have been a complete shift in my life. I've gone from taking a bunch of medication that changed my mood and personality, to taking prenatal vitamins. I've gone from crying more days than not over not getting what I want, to crying more days than not for getting what I don't deserve. I use to think "Why does ______ get to be pregnant and I don't?" and now I think "Why do I get to be pregnant and __________ doesn't?"

My friends, just because I have become pregnant doesn't mean I've forgotten the past 2 1/2 years. It seems almost like a celebrity who the public thinks they've forgotten where they come from. I have not forgotten my small town. I haven't forgotten where I came from. Because of where I came from, I have looked at this gift in such a different light than I would have 2 1/2 years ago.

The past 2 years on our wedding anniversary I've been so excited to celebrate another year with my amazing husband. Yet in the back of my mind the past 2 anniversaries have marked the start date of our journey to start a family. The happiest day of my life was also the starting date to a long 2 years of starting our family. As we've watched our marriage grow and our love for the Lord grow, it's been hard to sit back and wonder when our family would grow.

My heart still has days that I hurt. I still wonder "Why now?" I still find myself wishing that this day could have come more quickly. I wish I hadn't had to struggle, to wait, to spend so much time worrying and crying. I know that God has a plan for me, my husband, and this child. I still have no clue what that is and why we couldn't have had this child given to us when we first started praying, but I continue to pray for that answer.

In the 2ish months that we have been pregnant it seems like either everyone else is getting pregnant too, or I'm finding out more and more people are struggling. While I am so overjoyed with the news that Baby Hyde is going to have so many friends so close in age, I know that there are women who see me and many of my friends get pregnant around the same time (totally not planned) and wish to be part of that group.

When we found out that we were pregnant, my heart obviously burst out of my chest and my happiness couldn't be contained. Of course that's how I would react! After fighting so hard, praying even harder, and spending so much time invested, I'm obviously allowed to be happy! But as I was getting ready to tell a few of my closest friends and family, I knew that there would be some people who I am close to who's joy might not be as strong as others. I had to be very careful with how I shared the most amazing news.

But why Amanda? Why not scream it from the rooftops and be excited?

Guys, trust me it was hard not to!! But when your heart has hurt for so long, and you know the pain of seeing your dream come true for someone else, you know (for the most part) how to not be a jerk about it. The hardest part was one of the people I'm closest to in my life is suffering through unexplained infertility. So I knew I couldn't just go jumping up and down to them (even though I wanted to SO BADLY) and expect them to jump for joy along side of me. I had to watch my words. I had to keep my joy to a smile and simple joy. Now, if you asked this person how they felt when they found out I was pregnant they probably are so over the moon excited for us. But if the roles had been reversed, I would have wanted them to act towards me the way I did towards them. Now that the pregnancy has sunk in a little bit more, that "awkwardness" I guess you could say has started to go away (at least on my end) but I still make sure I don't text them every day with my complaints of morning sickness.

Friends and family, random people of the internet, I know infertility sucks. Just because I've come around the other side of the mountain and have beaten the odds doesn't mean I forgot my past hurts. I am overwhelmed with joy to be pregnant, of course, but my heart still grieves when another friend posts her negative test, that their IVF treatment has been pushed back another month for the third time, that infertility is ripping apart a marriage. My heart hurts because my heart knows.

Anyway, this has been long and babbling, and I probably didn't even make the point that I wanted to when I started writing this. So I guess here it is. All of our stories are different. 2 months of trying to get pregnant can be just as hard on someone who has been trying for 2 years. Someone who has no infertility issues can still be upset when they can't get pregnant right away. My 2 years of trying felt like an eternity, and yet there are some people who say "I remember the 2 year mark, that was 8 years ago." I was a "lucky" one who's first IUI worked. But I still have so much pain and sadness from those 2 years of waiting.

Never give up, never lose sight of what your dream is (no matter what it is!), and always remember who is the one who has your back!

"'Cause love can fix a busted heart like mine
Put it back together every single time
Turn my mess to a miracle
Anything is possible" - Matthew West- Anything is Possible

XOXO
Amanda