Our Next Steps

"Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer. From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:1-2

Psalm 61:8 has always been one of my favorite pieces of scripture ("Then I will ever sing in praise of your name and fulfill my vows day after day."). I found this the day after my grandmother passed away. My 19th birthday. I was flipping through my bible and was just crying out to God "I need you to give me what my heart needs." And that's where Psalm 61:8 came into my life. I've always had that verse in the back of my head. 

So when I googled "Scripture about Guidance" and Psalm 61:1-2 came up, I had to almost do a double take. A short Psalm (only 8 verses) that I've read through probably 1000 times and I'd never really comprehended it. I've gone back through and read it and read it and read it. I can't even begin to describe what it means to me, in a completely different circumstance almost 5 years later. Why you may ask?

It's Day One.

Again.

You would think after two years, one diagnosis, six rounds of medicine, and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests I would be use to this; use to the disappointment. And yet every month, I'll say right before "I'd be ok if I wasn't pregnant because _______." That blank got filled in so many times with so many different things. It started out with "it's only our first month trying." Then progressed to "It's our first month on Clomid, I just want to know if the medicine does what it's suppose to." And then recently it was "We'll go to a specialist if we're not pregnant this month and get more answers."

We've been praying and hoping that the Clomid would be enough. It does it's job perfectly. For the 6 cycle's I've taken it, I've known each month exactly when I ovulated (even when the apps and tests didn't agree), and I've gotten to know my body so well. Clomid has an 80% success rating of making you ovulate (woohoo I fell into that percentile) and then a 50% of conceiving within the first 6 months (not woohoo). So why aren't we pregnant? Why didn't it work? Why couldn't we be one of those 50%?

I ask why a lot. 

This cycle had been the best one I'd had. My symptoms from Clomid weren't as bad as they had been in the past. I felt way more happy and uplifted the whole month. Even though I wasn't sure either way if I was pregnant or not, I felt good about this month. I caved and took an .89$ test Friday which was negative, but I still didn't give up hope. But this morning I just knew. I knew this month was done, and that we'd have to take the next steps.

So the next steps? We will be going to a specialist who deals with infertility and PCOS and all of the great things we've been dealing with. If I had to guess, we'll probably be doing an IUI in the next few months, and I'm totally ok with that. I just need answers to why. I thought that having a diagnosis would help answer those questions, and it started to, but I still feel like I have no idea what's going on. 

So in the mean time, I won't be doing another round of Clomid. We leave for Disney World four weeks from today (WOO), so I'm not sure if we'll be going in to see the specialist before that or not, but part of me wants to wait until we are back from vacation so we don't have to be worrying about tests or things like that. But then yet again, not having answers before vacation could make things hard. So we'll see what happens.

As I've been writing this, I've been listening to my "Top Christian" playlist on Spotify (linked if you want to check it out). Each song that has come on has just hit me like a ton of bricks. Good Good Father, When I'm With You, and How Can It Be were just what I needed. Lots of promises from God. But then one song came on and I haven't been able to stop listening to it. I haven't been able to stop crying. It is Well by Bethel. A very close friend of mine, who also happens to be one of the worship pastors at our church, introduced me to this song a while back and I thought "Wow this is really pretty, I'll add it to my list."

I didn't know how much I'd need this song until it came on my list. 

"Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea"

I've been replaying this line over and over and over.  It can be so hard to give up faith that God will provide. But this line just brings it all back for me. "The mountain will be thrown into the midst of the sea." This isn't just a cleaver line, but words that Jesus was preaching in Mark 11:23-24. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

Now, notice Jesus didn't say "and it will be yours this very second." or "After that one prayer, you'll get this." Jesus is not a magic genie who comes and grants you three wishes. He's not a star you wish upon, or a good luck charm. Jesus was a man who walked among men. He was flesh and bone like you and I. He may have been man, but he IS the son of God and performed miracles. Even to this day, Jesus is performing miracles. They may not be as "big" as raising a man back from the dead, but miracles do still happen for those who pray diligently. 

As much as I wish I could pray "Lord, make me pregnant" I just can't. I know that isn't realistic for us. I have faith in God, but our story probably isn't one that will be answered "You want it, you got it now." Instead, I've been praying, and will continue to pray "Lord, give us wisdom and guidance on how to become pregnant. Show us how to overcome infertility. Allow the right Doctors and medicine and procedures to help us." My prayers could go on and on about our infertility.  

So today, as I have spent most of my day in bed, upset and down, I just am thankful that tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new week, that I serve a great God that I can lean on during these difficult times, and that He gave me a husband who is kind and understanding and comforts me so well during these hard days. 

Stay Hopeful, Keep Faith, and Love Greatly,

Amanda