Isaiah 56

Before I get this blog post started, I just wanted to share this beautiful photo of how amazing the snow looked on Friday from my apartment's porch.

And now, onto the real blog post!

Yesterday was a pretty emotional day for me.

I didn't wake up expecting it to be an emotional day. I actually woke up in a great mood. I was ready to go to church, pumped for lunch with friends, and for a relaxing day with the hubby.

And then I entered the doors of our church.

Let me just say that I love my church. I love being able to lead worship and go to a bible study. But some of the best moments in my church is when I just stop my busy mind and just listen. That's what happened to me yesterday.

Back story. I had a talk with my doctor on Friday and they put me on my last round of Clomid (yup, still not pregnant.) so I was a little emotional already not knowing what would happen if this round didn't work. The Clomid makes me a little (ok very) emotional, and so I should have known that I was going to break down at church. I knew we were starting a new series called "Pray for One", focusing on how we can be praying for one person daily for interactions with them to show them Christ's love and to help them find Christ. I thought I was in the clear. "Oh, this sermon is about focusing on other people, that means the whole service is going to be more focusing outward, not inward.

Wrong.

So here I am, standing at church and the first song to be sung was "Desert Song" which is one of my favorite songs right now (pretty sure I've blogged about it too! Find it here). In the bridge is says

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This section repeats itself many times, and this time singing it I just closed my eyes and just sang that out so loudly to God. Those words just resonated in my heart and I couldn't help but get a little tear in my eye. This phrase is so symbolic to me since I am a singer and that's my passion, the fact that I am STILL in this season of life that I thought I would be done with by now, it was just the reminder I needed to really get my head into worship and to get my heart to open and just be softened by God.

This was only the beginning of how this service transformed me.

The second song (which was sung by my awesome friend Chris who nailed it!) is called "Invitation Song." It's a new song we've been doing over the past few weeks at church and I absolutely love it. It's all about inviting the Holy Spirit into our hearts and just receiving Him with open arms. Again, the bridge is what caught me off guard and made me really stop and reflect what the words were saying on a deeper level.

Open up our eyes to see You in the ordinary
We don't wanna miss You anymore
Open every eye to see every day, everything is
Burning with the glory of the Lord

I definitely have a hard time seeing God in the ordinary moments. In the moments I'm just sitting at work, driving home from dinner, or just taking a shower. These ordinary moments are some moments that I pray God will open my eyes to see him. Because I really don't want to miss him anymore. I want to see the little miracles around the world. I want to see the "God Moments".

By this point, I am really trying hard to hold it together. Typically at church it's myself, hubby, my mom, and friends of ours who are recently married sitting together. Yesterday however we went to an earlier service and so it was just Mike and I. So I felt a little more comfortable. Not that I'm not comfortable with other people I know around me, but when it's just my husband and I, we both are just so focused on God and have no distractions or "am I doing this whole worship thing right?" pressures.

I've got everything held together. I have a little sniffle, but I have it together. And then I hear the opening piano part for "Good Good Father" and I just know that I'm done. I've pretty much decided that Good Good Father is the new "Oceans", and I am 100% ok with that because Good Good Father is just another perfect song. I get through the first verse and chorus totally fine. The worship team was killing it. It was amazing. We get to the second verse and here are the lyrics.

Oh, and I've seen many searching
For answers far and wide
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word

"You know just what we need before we say a word." This line was where I started to cry. And not just a little tear, but the full on glasses off, uncontrollable, glad I didn't wear make up crying. I felt like I was being selfish for taking this time to always reflect on my own problems and how I can't get pregnant naturally and how it's been a long almost 2 years, but then I realize that if I'm going to help other people, I need to break down. I need to let God piece my heart back together.

And so I stood in silence for the next two chorus' and instrumental.

I literally couldn't sing. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

It wasn't that I didn't believe the words that he's a good good father and that we're loved by him, but I just couldn't take away from the moment. When I stood there hearing the lyrics to this chorus for what could have been the millionth time (because I listen to this song almost daily at this point), it was like God was speaking right into me. "Amanda, I am Good. I love you!"

Now by the time we get to a point I can sing we've got about one more bridge left and then the last verse which goes

You are perfect in all of Your ways
Oh, You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
As You call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
The last verse is what really did me in. It was like I had written this last verse myself just for this moment in worship. I literally couldn't speak and my thoughts were so thrown off that I couldn't think straight.

So now I have finally gotten it together. I am only crying a little bit, and I decide to open up my bible after I've taken communion while waiting for the sermon to start. I open up to the last page I had bookmarked which was in Isaiah 56. Verses 3-5 say this

 

Let no foreigner who is bound to the Lord say,
    “The Lord will surely exclude me from his people.”
And let no eunuch complain,
    “I am only a dry tree.”

 For this is what the Lord says:

“To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
    who choose what pleases me
    and hold fast to my covenant—
 to them I will give within my temple and its walls
    a memorial and a name
    better than sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name
    that will endure forever.

 

I needed the reminder that I am a daughter of God and that he will be there for me not only all the days of my life here on Earth, but for eternity to come!

Even though my day started off in a very emotional way, it really opened up my eyes and heart to new things this week. It really softened my heart and encouraged me to just say "I'm here Lord. Use me for your kingdom! Use my pain to show the world that you are here with us and you are good!" So that is my challenge to you this week. As followers of Christ, let's open our hearts and just pray more to God this week and read more in our bibles. Let's lift each other up rather than tear each other down. Let's keep calm, because God is here with us every second of every day!

 

 

I hope everyone has an uplifted week and that you are able to find encouragement in the season you're in from this blog!

 

God Bless

Amanda

Live Your Story

'"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'- Jeremiah 29:11

Good morning my friends! I hope everyone is enjoying their week so far! I know that I'm having a very good, but long, week this week. Mostly that's because I'm going away with girlfriends this weekend to just relax and enjoy each other's company and I can't wait!!! But I'm also excited because I got a new coloring book and it's been awesome! I know what you're thinking "Amanda, you're really going to do a blog post on a coloring book?"

Just hang in there with me guys.

This adult coloring book (which PS I love that adults get coloring books aimed at them now because as much as I love coloring Disney Princesses, sometimes a girl wants something a little more age appropriate) is called Joy For the Journey, which is obviously why I initially chose it. It was smaller than my current coloring book so I was a little skeptical, but something about the title just caught my eye. This coloring book was just screaming out to me to look at it. I'm SO glad I did because it has all different scriptures (my current book is just the Psalms) and it just was very me.

 

 

The First Page

It is just very simple, but still has a lot of little details that make them awesome! This one has the scripture 1 John 4:8 which says "Those who do not love do not know God because God is love." which was an awesome way to start my night last night. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around why some people are so negative and have so much hatred in their hearts, and then I remember this verse. Those that don't love don't know God, because God is love. When these attacks happen around the world, or people are emotionally attacking others on Facebook, I have to step back and really look at the problem. The problem isn't just that they're bitter, it's that they don't have Jesus. They don't have God on their side.

 

 

 

The Second Page 

I draw so much hope from this page. When I turned the page after finishing my first coloring page and saw the phrase "Live Your Story" I couldn't help but to think of the song My Story by Big Daddy Weave. When I saw them for the first time at Soulfest 2015, this song had just started being played on the radio, so not many people knew it when they started singing it. Me on the other hand? I sang along to every word in the front row. And ironically in the music video they use a typewriter, so that makes it really ironic.

 

My favorite line in the song is "If I should speak, then let it be of the grace that is greater than all my sin...Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him".

 

I was chatting with a woman yesterday who also is going through fertility issues almost the exact amount of time I have been, and who happens to be on the same cycle day as I am this cycle, and she was having a hard night. She told me that she has had a hard time with the God factor of her infertility, because why would God allow us to have these diseases and these problems when all our heart desires is a child. The conversation went back and forth, but this song was still stuck in my head "To tell you my story is to tell of Him" and that's what I told her! Maybe God isn't performing those instant miracles because he wants our story to tell of Him and His goodness!

 

I really believe that God is using my diagnosis not to hinder me, but to build me closer to him and to connect with people and show them His love! I have been trying to get pregnant for a little under 2 years, and my faith and trust in God has grown so much in the past 2 years. I never thought this would be our life, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. If putting me through pain and struggles is what it was going to take to trust God fully then I'll take that pain any day!

 

I don't have a HUGE following on my blog (compared to some blogs out there) but I check to see how many people are reading my posts and where they're from. I know that people from the US are reading (since it's where I live and I have friends who read it) but I was SHOCKED to see people all over the world read too! I tried to find every country that read this blog, which actually is impossible because if I look at the "all time views" it only shows me the top 10 viewed countries, so I had to do a little digging, but these were the other countries I found represented in the past few weeks: Russia, Sweden, Canada, Germany, Austria, United Kingdom, Iceland, Netherlands, France, Indonesia, Slovakia, Poland, United Arab Emirates, Columbia, and India. I was absolutely shocked to see all these countries that I'm reaching with my story. Not just my story of infertility, but the amazing grace of God. If I was able to reach one person who might not have heard the love of Jesus, then all the pain and suffering and pills and tests and blood work that goes along with infertility will be worth it.

 

In Matthew 28:19 Jesus says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." and that is EXACTLY what I am trying to do. If Jesus wants me to go out and made disciples of all nations, then that's what I'm going to do. It might not be me physically going to all these different nations, but if I'm able to reach at least 15 countries with the word of God, then I'd say I'm living out that commandment pretty well.

 

I'm going to leave you with one last scripture, the scripture that goes along with my next coloring page "Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." -Psalm 130:7

 

God Bless

Amanda

 

 

 

 

When Oceans Rise

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)- Hillsong United

One of the number one worship songs. It has reached the top of the charts. We sing it at church. Pretty much every Christian band has made a cover of this song. But are we as worship leaders listening to the words we're singing? Are we listening with open hearts and open minds and believing the words we're singing? Are our friends sitting at the church hearing our hearts?

 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

 

 

Guys, I'm going to have a hard time writing this post. This song really just gets me right in all the feels. Yup. I just said in all the feels.

 

 

God has called us out on the ocean. Matthew 14:28-31 is that call. The disciples on the boat have such little faith and don't believe it is Jesus, and so Peter says "if it's really you Jesus, tell me to come on the water with you." Of course, Jesus says "come on Peter the water's fine!" For those of you who know this story, you know that Peter starts losing faith when he see's the strong winds coming and starts to sink. I know that I, very often, also lose my faith. I know that God is calling me out on the ocean to walk with him, but it can be so easy to just think "No, I'm safe in this boat, why do I have to come walk on the water where there is wind, and sinking, and where I know I will drown??"

 

Guys, we are called to do so much more than sit in the boat.

 

 

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

 

We are all God's children. And He is our heavenly father. No matter what life throws at us, this will never change. "When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace." This is the season I am in now and that I have to remind myself to keep my eyes above the waves in a sense. I can see the storm. I can feel it. I am Peter right now. And yet, here I am, taking those scary steps toward Jesus.

 

 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

 

This may arguably be one of my favorite lines in any song ever. I just can't get over how powerful these words are. When I start to sink, when I feel engulfed in the waves, when I let fear overcome my life, there you are, ready to pull me back up. You've never failed and you won't start now. Why would Jesus decide now is the time to let you down? Why would Jesus say "Actually I'm going to let you sink today?" If you feel like you've sunk and Jesus isn't there, you need to evaluate what's going on because those thoughts that Jesus isn't with you is straight from the Devil. Those words are not those of Jesus. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6)

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

I really want to take time in the bridge here. The first half of the bridge is one of the most convicting parts of this song and if you're really listening and have your heart open you will start to feel the way I feel when I sing this section. It really is a prayer. Lead me where my trust is without boarders. Do you know how hard that can be? To just trust so openly that there's no way you could ever NOT trust? I know from the outside I lead this life of trusting God whole heartedly, but that just simply isn't true. Do I trust God? Absolutely. Do I think I'm ready to walk upon the waters WHEREVER he calls me? Yup! Would I? Ehhhh.....

Trusting God fully in situations is hard. When life is easy, saying you have full trust in God's plan is so easy, because everything is good. Of course you are going to trust Jesus, he's letting everything go so well right now!

But what about when the storms hit? When someone dies, when you get a diagnosis, when you lose your job. Will you still have the same (if not more) trust in Christ that he will lead you through these bad times? I know it's been quite a road of trusting God these past 2 years of infertility (and only knowing the actual cause for a year). I also know now that God is still good and is still by my side and that I have trust in him because he's called me to this.

 Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

 

I'm not sure why yet, but the waters that he has called me to walk upon is infertility. Is it because he wants me to be sad and not have a child? Absolutely not. But maybe he's putting me through this situation for so that I can spend this time getting closer to Him. Isn't that the whole reason we're created, to live and love like Jesus? I wasn't born to go to school, get married, have kids, work, travel, etc. etc. I was born to find Christ and follow him. Everything else is just a gift from him.

Maybe I'm going through this to build up my marriage even more. Strong marriages are built up not because of happiness, but because of faith in Christ, and certainly the past 2 years have been a lot of putting faith in Christ. A baby won't make our marriage stronger (though it could), but ultimately, following Christ will.

Or lastly, maybe I'm called to infertility because it will help you. It will help the man or woman reading this right now to realize they aren't alone. They aren't the only one struggling through this. Or maybe you aren't going through fertility issues, but you have other things going on. You're going through divorce, or you had to foreclose on your house, or maybe someone died suddenly and you aren't sure where to turn. And seeing that I can have faith and trust in God through my hard time can show you that you can too.

God is making me SO much stronger in all of this. That's basically what I'm trying to say with the second half of this bridge. I never thought that infertility would happen to me. I never thought I'd be called to do the things that I do in my every day life, and yet here I am, just following Christ's will for my life.


I know this song can be a lot. It can be a lot to ask someone to trust without boarders, to walk off the edge of our boats and follow Jesus on the water. But yet here we are, being called everyday. Are you following that call? Have you stepped off of the boat?

Today as I sit in my 20th month of trying to get pregnant (pushing 21) I just pray that I am following him. I am jumping off my boat and following his will. I know that I can't control everything. So I'm leaving my fertility issues on that boat and just following Jesus where ever he sends me. Do I hope that he sends me to another boat with a positive pregnancy test? Of course. But even if it's another failed attempt month, I'm going to still go running.

I leave you with this scripture:

"The voice of the LORD is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters." -Psalm 29:3

God Bless,
Amanda

 



Dear Women with PCOS

To the woman with PCOS,

Today was a hard day, wasn't it? Another friend on Facebook shared that they are expecting. You went to the grocery store and every woman you passed either was pregnant or had a child/children. You turned on the TV and "19 Kids and Counting" was on. You change the channel and its "Teen Mom". Your whole world is just surrounded by the one thing you want most. Everywhere you look, it's just baby baby baby. 

If you're like me, you dread going on social media during the holidays because you know that's when all the cute pregnancy announcements are going to happen. You like your 17th picture of an ultrasound with a Santa hat, and wish them a quick "congrats" in the comments, while you secretly are trying not to cry. 

Dear woman, you are not alone. I have walked where you are walking. I have hurt in all the same ways you are hurting. Sadly, I continue to know this pain all too well. I know how hard it is to see people "accidently" get pregnant and question "why them and not me? I'm trying so hard, and they weren't and yet they get the one thing I'd do anything for." Don't beat yourself up over this. Every child is a miracle, whether you and I can see that or not. The woman who is in an abusive situation pregnant with her 6th child and lives off of food stamps might not think their child is a miracle because it "just happened" but that child is. And our children, which may take years to come, will be just as much of a miracle as theirs are. 

I wish someone had told me when I got married that getting pregnant doesn't just happen. Sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't. If you were lucky enough to get pregnant your first month trying, or on your honeymoon, I hope you realize how lucky you are. For me, I didn't know this, but it was unrealistic. It wasn't until I was married a year that I even knew something was wrong. I knew you were suppose to have 28 day cycles, but when you're in college and only having 4 periods a year, that didn't sound so bad. I could have had a diagnosis 5 years ago, but didn't go to the doctors. I also had doctors for 2 years tell me it was just stress from planning a wedding, moving, work, etc. 

Ladies, please, if you are having irregular periods, please please please see your doctor. Finding out early makes this all easier because when the time does come to try and have a baby, you'll know up front, not a year into it. 

If you are struggling with infertility, PCOS, anything, I really sincerely want you to know that I am here for you to talk whenever you need someone to just cry to. If you need someone who just gets it, I'm just a message/text/phone call away. You are not alone. 

To the Man behind the Woman,

Men, you have no idea what your support means to your woman. We know that you have no idea what we're talking about half the time. We know that you really don't want to hear all the details of the first 5-10 days of our cycle. But you listen. You listen with open ears and open hearts and just let us talk. 

PCOS is so hard on us women, and having a strong leader in the home makes going through it that much better. Knowing that after we see that pregnancy announcement, or getting that phone call from a relative, that you are there with open arms to just hold us and say "we'll have our miracle" is what we need. 

I have no way of thanking you men for all you do for us. The little things. The words of encouragement. The reminder that God is still working on us and loves us even when we can't see it is exactly why God put you men in our lives. It takes a strong woman to go through PCOS, but an even stronger man to stand beside her and fight with her.

Ladies and Gents, I hope you're encouraged today, and I leave you with this 

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

God bless you this day and everyday!

Amanda 

Faith

Good morning from a very cold New Hampshire. When I left for work today it was 7 degrees out. I am not a fan of the cold, especially when it's THAT cold. But yet here I am, at work, processing checks and printing out reports for clients, with the sweet sound of instrumental versions of some of my favorite Christian songs play in the background. As I'm chatting with a few friends, I realize that I just need to write. Today, as much as I love my readers, this writing is for me.

 

This hasn't been the easiest of weeks. I found out before Christmas that a guy from my old church had passed away. I am still pretty numb to it. He helped with the drama shows that my mom participated in every year for 10 years. He had a son. He had a life. It really does show that you never know when your last day, or someone else's last day, could be. I don't want to say live each day like it's your last, because if we all did that, well then we'd never work, and we'd all be at Disney World right now. But I will say this. Don't stop living your life.

 

I know we all have our days/weeks/months/years where we just feel down. I know I have those days a lot. Days where I just feel defeated. Days where I'm not living my life. I'm going to work, doing my desk job, coming home, watching TV, then going to bed. I'm not trying to be mean or offensive, but what kind of life is that? I know on those days when I just do my "regular routine" they can be some of my hardest emotional days. Just laying on the couch watching reality shows for hours isn't how I want to be remembered. I want to be remembered as the woman who went out and did something. The woman who was active physically and spiritually.

 

What am I going to do TODAY that starts my path of a life worth remembering? Well, for starters, as much as I'd love to go home and finish the last few episodes I have left in Gilmore Girls, I think I'll go and read. Read my bible, read my Laura Story book, read my Brant Hansen book. Maybe I'll plug in a relaxing playlist on spotify and just pray. Or do some yoga. Or exercise. Yes, I just said I might go home and exercise. I know. Crazy.

 

So where is all this coming from you might ask? Well, I was on new medicine last Tuesday-Saturday and let me tell you, it's been messing with my emotions. I am on cycle day 96 and hopefully this medicine is going to get me back to day 1 and back on clomid! I have been feeling kind of crummy today physically so I'm hoping that the medicine is working! But being pumped with medicines really can get me emotional, as many of you probably know from knowing me in real life. Hormones being put into your body that aren't normally there definitely can make you emotional. And the clomid that I'll hopefully start taking this week will be no different.

 

As 2016 is starting, I knew I needed to do something different this year. I needed to keep my eyes fixed on God. But how? In a world with such negativity, in my own selfish mind, how was I going to be able to focus less on myself, my worries, my desires, and focus on Christ?

 

Faith

This year, I have chosen to have a word. A word to focus on and try to find every day of the year. I have a friend who for the past few years has found a new word to focus on each year, and because I'm a copy cat, I'm doing the same. That's where faith comes in. What word could be more fitting to focus on and to find in my daily life for 2016?  Let me give you a few reasons as to why I chose faith.

 

-Mark 10:52" "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road."

 If a blind man can have faith in someone he can not see to give him sight, than surely I can trust in God, whom I can not physically see, to give me sight, that is to see him. But also in the physical sense, this man who was blind his whole life had faith in Jesus and was given the ability to see. Surely if my faith is in Christ and not of this world, my faith can heal me as well.

 

-Matthew 17:20 "He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.""
How crazy is this to think of? Do we really have so much as a mustard seed of faith to call upon Christ? We aren't to test God and say "well if you're real than do this" but we are told to have such faith in him that we can confidently say to a mountain "move" and it will. That mountain for me, is getting pregnant. I should have such faith in God that I can say, I will get pregnant this year. But then doubt and fear comes trickling in, and Satan just tries his hardest to hold his grip on me. 2016 is the year I stop letting fear stand in my way of saying "Hey, see that mountain? I'm going to move it with God by my side!"

 

-Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see"

This pretty much wraps up the Mark 10 and Matthew 17 verses into one very short and precise verse. I have loved this verse for a long time. It is the verse that is on the front of my bible holder. I see it every day. And yet it's taken me 3 years to really listen to the words and understand what it's saying. We need faith to be confident. We need faith to help assure ourselves of the things we can't see. I need this faith when it comes to every aspect of my day, and really, of my life.

 

For years I have wanted to get a tattoo that says "With Faith Comes Hope" and just haven't found the time to get one, haven't had the money, or have second guessed where I would get it or if I really wanted it to begin with. I think that 2016 is the year I'm going to get it. I have been wanted to get it with a daffodil, but that might change. If you recall one of my original posts about the Thrive tree from Casting Crowns, I think that tree really could look nice with "With Faith Comes Hope" but we'll see. But this is the year I get it. This is the year that I have faith so strong that nothing can stop me, and that God will provide. Not because he has to, but because he loves me, and I know he wants to!

 

Have a blessed day, and a faithful 2016!

Amanda

 

New Year

Well, as 2015 closes up, it's quite interesting the things that have changed and that haven't in 2015. Here's how my 2015 went..

I was able to travel to 5 states (Maine, New York, Massachusetts, North Carolina, and California), got a new job, was able to finally get a diagnosis on why I haven't gotten pregnant yet, went to 6 different weddings, got to go to Soulfest, and 3 other concerts, sang with Third Day twice, got to see my best friend give birth to a beautiful daughter, and I started working for Mary Kay.

Wow, it was a packed year.

If I ever say "Man 2015 wasn't my year" somebody slap me. 2015 was a fantastic year. It wasn't what I was anticipating, but it was an incredible year. I can't say that I've ever traveled as much as I did this year. I think just about every weekend I have had something going on between singing at church, vacations, planned trips, or having to go do something with someone. And that is totally ok. It took my mind off the fact that it's been another year without a baby.

2016 I have a feeling is going to be a good year. I hope I can come back and see this post a year from now and see that 2016 was my year. See that I was able to do all I wanted to do.

First and foremost, I want to trust God more than I do now. I want to live out that trust every day.

I would like to move into a bigger apartment by the end of the year (hopefully because...)

I would LOVE to get pregnant/have a baby in 2016. It's also what I wanted for 2015, and it'll continue to be what I want. If I'm unable to have children, I hope we are able to discover that sooner rather than later so we can start looking into other options.

I WILL be going to Disney World again! That's right kiddo's, we're going back to Florida in April! We will be in the happiest place on earth for 7 full days, and it'll be during hubby's birthday week so that will be awesome! We already have our flight/hotel/tickets bought, so now we just save up for the next 95 days to be able to eat and buy little gifts!

I hope to make a difference in people's lives in 2016. I want to be able to say next year was the year I brought someone closer to Jesus. I want to really work hard at following Christ with all my heart, so that other's can see that love in me and see that even through my struggles that I am able to stand up and say I serve a great God and that people get encouragement from that!!

I hope everyone had a very blessed Christmas, and has a great New Year!

God Bless,
Amanda

Fall Apart

I use to listen to this song on repeat for days. Probably more like months. When my grandmother passed away, this song was one of the ones that got me through it.

Let's just put the last picture of the two of us from Christmas 5 years ago right here...

 

 

I never thought I'd relate to this song again. It was just my "my world is falling apart I lost my grandmother" song. But the funny thing is that we're going to keep going through trials. Some days they are going to feel like they'll never end. These trials we go through are all different. My story is different than all of yours, but I'm going to share a secret with you, it doesn't matter if we have one second of pain, or a year of pain, or our entire life just seems like one big long trial, we're all going through it.

 

As I'm listening to all the words of this song, I start to realize that when I cried over this song 4 years ago, I had a break through moment. The first words of the song are

 

"Why in the world did I think I could only get to know you when my life was good? When everything just falls in place the easiest thing is to give you praise."

 

Isn't this true though? I can 100% tell you this is true, because I did it. After I went through months of depression and pain of my grandmother passing away, I started to grow past it. It still hurts (till this day) but I know there's nothing to bring her back and that she was a faithful woman and that I'll see her again one day. So for the most part, life was good. Little hiccups, but life was good. Meeting my husband, getting engaged, getting married, moving in together; this was the "life is good" that Josh Wilson is talking about. It was SO easy to say God is Good and that I was a faithful servant of Christ and that he was doing amazing things with my life.

 

And then infertility hit.

 

Infertility has really been one big Fall Apart moment. It's been 20 months of blood work, testing, ultrasounds, taking my temperature, taking lots of home tests, and don't forget all the amazing medicine I get to take *note the sarcasm* But today, I realized that I'm in the chorus of this song.

 

" 'Cause my whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me but somehow still have all I need? God I want to know you more maybe this is how it starts. I find you when I fall apart"

 

There are days that I feel like my whole world is caving in. There are days that I just want to give up on trying to have a baby. There are days that I question if all the testing and medicine and emotional pain is worth it. And then I remember that the same God that was with me during my engagement and wedding and all of the good stuff is the same awesome God who is by my side during all of this. God's hand is still in this. Just because I can't always know why God is doing what he's doing, I know there's a purpose.

 

"I don't know how long this will last. I'm praying for the pain to pass. But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me."

 

This is what I'm talking about. The bridge really just pulls it all together for me. I don't know how long I'm going to be going through infertility issues. I don't know how long I'll be without a child. I don't even know if I'll ever get pregnant. And I'm just praying for all of this to be done. To be done with all the pain. To just get it over with and go on to the next stage, the being pregnant and having a baby stage. But in the mist of it all, I'm realizing it's actually a good thing. I'm realizing that I have gotten so much closer to Christ in the past 20 months of pain than in the 2 years of "pain free" following I was doing. When you're in these seasons of pain and trial and unknowing, you seek God more than when things are good.

 

This week at church, we discussed John 1:6-14. We spent a large amount of time talking about the difference between "Believing THAT and Believing IN". It was such a great service (here's the link to the sermon online if interested), and a very convicting service. Pastor Ron tells a story of a man who was a tightrope walker who would walk across Niagara Falls and do all these tricks and the people would cheer. One day this man says "do you think I could walk across while pushing this barrel with someone inside?" The crowds all cheer and say yes yes yes and the tightrope walker says "Ok can I have a volunteer?"

 

 Are we being Christians that believe that God can do all things, or are we believing with all that we are and stepping out into that barrel and having to believe IN God. I don't know about you, but for a long time I've just kind of sat on the side and believed that God could do anything. And I'm sick and tired of that, because that doesn't help me, and it doesn't help build the Kingdom of God. It's when we start believing IN God and when I take that first step to run along side him that I will start to see my life transform into a more Christ like person.

 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you are feeling encouraged today. Remember, God is not done with your story yet, he loves you more than you could ever believe, and that your trials will someday be your triumphs!

 

God Bless

Amanda

(Also I cut my hair)

Thankful

Well, with Thanksgiving just a few days away, I started reflecting on the things I am thankful for. At times in our life, this can be so hard to do. How do I give thanks for things in my life when I feel like everything is going against me?

Here's the good news.

Did you wake up this morning? Are you alive? Then you have something to be thankful for!

Most of us don't live each day not knowing if we'll wake up tomorrow. We all just kind of assume that we fall asleep at night and wake up the next morning. I have people in my life that don't know if their loved ones are going to wake up tomorrow morning, and they are so thankful for the days they have. So why do we sit at our desks counting down the minutes till we're out of work and are thankful to be home, when we could be thanking God for allowing us to have a job and a house to go home to? The simple answer? We take everything for granted.

So this year, here's how my thankful list goes:

First and foremost, I am thankful for Jesus Christ who died for my sins. Without him, I would be nothing. I would be a sinner walking the streets without a care in the world for anyone. I would be damned to Hell for all eternity. But because God gave his only son to die on a cross for my sins, I get to live eternally in Heaven with Him. I can't ever stop being thankful for the sacrifice Jesus gave for me, and I won't ever forget it!

 

I am thankful for my PCOS

Woah Woah Woah hold on. Amanda, you're always talking about how much you hate PCOS and how much you're struggling with getting pregnant. How can you be thankful towards the cause of you not having that joy in your life?

Well my dear readers, it goes something like this. Because of PCOS, I have been able to help other people. I have been able to make a new community of friends through the struggles we're facing. PCOS has also brought my husband and I closer together. I know that may seem weird, but it's just another thing for us to talk about, pray over, and it was actually an answer to prayer to find out I have PCOS. Praying for an answer to why we weren't getting pregnant after a year of trying and getting an answer was an amazing testimony to God. Now our prayers go towards how to overcome this obstacle, but I am so thankful for this season in my life.

I am thankful for my husband.

 

I know, I know. DUH. Of course you're thankful for your husband Amanda.

 

Guys, it is so much more than that.

 

My husband is my rock. He is the one who after a long day of work, comes home, cooks me dinner, and listens to how my short day of work was. He's the one who let's me choose what show we watch at night. He gives me my space when I need it, and cuddles up close when he knows that's what I need before I even know. He is such a man of God, and he leads our home that way. I am so thankful for a man who not only has concern for me here on this Earth and the things we struggle through, but has concern for me in my walk with Christ and pushes me to be a better follower every single day. He believes that I can do anything. I could tell him I want to learn how to swallow swords and he would tell me that I could learn it by next week. When I'm down and crying about not being pregnant for the 19th month in a row, he just holds me and with this joy in his face says "Maybe next month will be it. Never give up hope."

 

Ladies, if you aren't married yet and are reading this, I just want to take a moment to tell you that being with a man who loves Christ more than he loves you is the most important decision you can make as a follower. I know a lot of woman, including myself, can long for that male attention. But when you have a man who is encouraging you to give God all your attention, and that you are priceless in his eyes? Never let him go.

 



I am thankful for the little things

 

The little things we take for granted are the things that are the most important. The fact that I have a car to go back and forth from work, the chips I have to snack on in the afternoon, having a body that allows me to walk up the stairs in my apartment, and just the simple things that I have clothes, food, a home, and a job are just so important. I hope I never lose sight of the fact that being able to live in a world where I can sit here and type this blog and have a) have the internet/a computer to type it and b) the freedom to share my thoughts without being persecuted for them. It truly is amazing to live in country like America. I know a lot of people don't feel that way, especially when it comes to politics, but I am so thankful that I have the ability to live in this country.

 

What are you thankful for today? What can I be praying with you for today? Please let me know!

 

God Bless, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Amanda

Ecclesiastes 12:13

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:8

 

 

Good morning everyone! I hope everyone has had a good weekend! For me, the weekend was very long, but very fun. I was babysitting 3 children from Thursday night through Monday morning. It was very out of my element to be at someone else's house for 4 nights and taking care of 3 children (13, 11, and 7) but we had such a fun weekend. We went to Boston on Sunday (and we brought Mike with us too) and they were just so well behaved. Having the little bit of extra money for Christmas shopping isn't too bad either!

 

 

This morning I opened up my bible app for the first time in a week and was hoping to see the verse that I need today. I wasn't sure what the verse would be, but I knew I needed something today. The verse of the day today was Ecclesiastes 12:13 which reads

 

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind."

 

 

I really had to take a few minutes and reflect on this verse because I wasn't really sure why this would be the verse God gave me today. I do fear God and try to keep his commandments, so why is God leading me to this passage today. With all that has happened in the world the past few days, and really over the past year or so, I think God is giving me this verse because of the last two words of the verse. All Mankind. I don't know about you, but I don't see all of mankind keeping God's commandments. I don't see all of mankind fearing God. I see people in this world killing others FOR fearing God. I see people in this world following after false God's and after their own hearts rather than after God's heart. I see people in the aftermath of these attacks and tragedies who don't know where to turn. People who want things to change, but don't know how to change them other than just electing someone else to run their country and hoping they can change this.

 

Change isn't going to come from one person.

 

I hate to admit it, but even living in the free world that is the United States, we aren't safe. And it doesn't matter if our next president is Democrat or Republican, we won't be safe. We can have the best military defense system up, but if people aren't following Christ and praying for healing in our world, things are going to keep happening. People are going to keep bombing. People are going to shoot other people. We can physically try to prevent these things, but we need to be praying to God about preventing these things, and how to move forward after events like Paris, 9/11, and so so many other times of attacks on countries.

 

In verse 14, Solomon writes "For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." I think this is why God gave me this verse today. Not for verse 13, but for verse 14. When we die and go before the Lord, we are going to be judged on what we have done in our lives. Hidden things and things that we did that everyone saw. If we are on the outside fearing God and keeping his commandments, but on the inside are not following these things, God knows. But likewise, we may have so many good things in our hearts that we didn't share with others that God will see and rejoice in.

 

I was scrolling through the verses from the past few days/week and I saw that Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the verses. I love this verse, I don't care if it's cliché or very well known, it's so powerful. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  For anyone who knows what I'm going through with PCOS knows that this verse means a lot to me. God has a plan for me and it's a plan that will not harm me and that gives me hope.

 

Now, when I write that God's plan won't harm me, I don't mean that I won't be safe from harm. I can still be hurt, I am not invincible. But it's meant in more of a Big Picture kind of way. God's there. He doesn't want to see me fail, he wants me to be filled with hope about a future. A future with him!

 

And through my travels through the verse of the day's I found a new favorite verse. The verse I put at the beginning of this post. "Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:8-9. Guys I can't begin to express to you how much I love this verse. I am receiving the end result of my faith, which is the salvation of my soul.

 

At church a few weeks ago we talked about just this. Salvation isn't just for when we die, salvation is ours to claim today! Salvation is now AND forever! Sometimes it can be hard to follow God because you can't see him. It can be hard when you don't see all of the amazing things he's laid in front of you today. But even when I can't see those things, I'm still filled with that glorious joy every day! EVERY. DAY.  I am joyous because I have a great God by my side and that will never change. That will never waver. I have salvation through him, and so do you!

 

I think the thing I have the hardest time with as a Christian is spreading his word. I have such a hard time going up to people who I know aren't Christians, or who aren't following Christ, and explaining to them how I have such joy even in turmoil. I have such a hard time saying "Yes, I have PCOS. No, I don't have any children yet. No, not all my dreams have come true yet. But I have a great God who I know is always with me and he can always be with you too." I think this blog has helped me so much in being confident in my walk with God, with being able to vocalize my journey and to help encourage people. It's definitely helped me to be more vocal with people around me and not be afraid to share my faith with them. It's still very easy for me to hide behind my computer screen and not be vocal outside of this comfort zone, but I'm working on it.

 

I hope that this post encourages you to have faith in Christ, to keep the Lord's commandments, and that this world needs our prayers.

 

God Bless,

Amanda

Grace Wins Every Time

New Obsession Song : Grace Wins by Matthew West.

I was putting together a new Spotify playlist yesterday and I was like "oh yeah, Matthew West has a new song, I'll add that."

I have basically been listening to it non stop over the past 24 hours. My journey with Christ hasn't always been the best. I haven't been the best person. I have had the face of a Christian and then behind closed doors was living in so much sin. I will always be a sinner. My past will never change. But praise The Lord that my future is forever changed because of the relationship I've begun to build with Jesus.

When I went to look up the definition of Grace, the most simple and perfect way to define it is in one word. Mercy. And of course, being the person I am, I wanted the definition of Mercy. Mercy is defined as compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. If that doesn't describe the grace of our God than I don't know what does.

Now for me, I could listen to a song and love it and sing along to it for days, but until I read the lyrics, the song never truly hits home. So this morning I decided to read through the lyrics of Grace Wins while listening to it. And right away the first verse really just grabbed me by the heart and said "Amanda you need to listen to this"

In my weakest moment I see you
Shaking your head in disgrace
I can read the disappointment
Written all over your face

Here comes those whispers in my ear
Saying who do you think you are
Looks like you're on your own from here
Cause grace could never reach that far

 

I swear I think this was written for and about me.

 

In the first phrase, it's us really just looking up to God and knowing how disappointed in us he is. The second phrase is all about the Devil getting into our head and saying "Well, sorry. That's just too far for God to love you anymore."

 

But then the chorus guys. The chorus just makes me cry.

 

There's a war between guilt and grace
And they're fighting for a sacred space
But I'm living proof
Grace wins every time

 

 

I'm living proof that grace wins every time! I am still here. God hasn't cast me out. He is still right here, no matter how far I've strayed from him. No matter how much I doubt, he's still here. When I come running back, he's here. When I look for forgiveness, he covers me with that grace!

 

 

For the prodigal son, grace wins
For the woman at the well, grace wins
For the blind man and the beggar, grace wins
For always and forever, grace wins For the lost out on the street, grace wins
For the worst part of you and me, grace wins
For the theif on the cross, grace wins
For a world that it lost

 

I really wanted to dig deep into the bridge. Because Matthew West talks about so many different people, both biblically and in our world now, that grace still was given to them! So let's get into this.

 

For the prodigal son, grace wins.

 

The story of the prodigal son is one that most people know about. The story can be found in Luke 15 verses 11-32. It tells of a man with two sons, the younger of which wanted his share of his father's estate, and then left home. After leaving home, the younger son went through all of his belongings and ended up having to work feeding pigs, starving. He knew he needed to go back home, but thought his father would never take him back into his home. But when he returned home, his father was so overjoyed to have his son back that they threw a huge party in honor of him coming home. Grace won! 

 

For the woman at the well, grace wins

 

The story of the woman at the well may not be quite as popular as the prodigal son, but I think it is one of my favorite biblical stories. Jesus goes to Samaria and after traveling sits by a well. When a woman comes to draw water from it he asks her for a drink. Her response is "You are a Jew and I am a Samarian, how can you ask me for a drink?" At this point, Jesus starts to tell her of the living water that salvation in him gives. Of course, this woman wants to know more about this eternal life water and so Jesus tells her "go and fetch your husband." She responded telling him that she didn't have a husband. And Jesus, being the kind of guy he is says "You're right. You actually have 5. And the man you're with right now isn't even your husband." Wow, Jesus 1: Samarian woman: 0. But guess what, because she decided to follow Jesus, Grace won!

 

For the blind man and the beggar, grace wins

 

Jesus was a healer, not only of physical ailments but of the soul. In John 9:1-11, Jesus meets this blind man from birth (who is also a beggar). His disciples asked him "Who sinned?  The man or his parents?" Jesus replied that it was neither, but he was blind so that the works of God would be displayed in him. He rubbed mud on his eyes and told the blind man to go and wash it off. When the man returned, the people of the town were surprised to find that this man who could now see was the same man who left a blind beggar. Because of Jesus' healing hand, Grace won!

 

I could go on and on about everyone else on this list, but I thought it was important to point out that these 3 people in the bible all had different sins, different stories, and came to The Father in different ways, but no matter their sin, no matter how far they strayed and turned from God, they all came back. God loves me, and he loves you too! Even when you're down, feeling so low that no one could ever love you, especially this perfect man called Jesus, know that he does love you, and he wants you. He wants every broken piece of you. God wants to use you for his kingdom and to show you that grace wins every time!

 

If you're reading this today and you aren't a follower of Christ and you're wondering what this crazy lady on the internet is talking about, I encourage you to send me a message. I know that when I first started going back to church in college, after growing up in a very traditional church, that I was so confused by all of this. How could God love me? I've been told God knows everything that I've done since day 1. How could God want me? How could he use me?

 

My friends, it's my past, my sin, and how I've overcome so many things in 23 years. That's how God is using me. He's using me through this blog, through talking with people in my community, through singing at church, and in my daily life of just surrendering all to him. He's using me. And I assure you, if he can use me and take me and love me, he wants you too!

 

Scripture of the day for you

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship" - Romans 12:1

 

God Bless

Amanda





Random Scatterings in my Brain

First Random Thought that I wanted to share: I dyed my hair last night! It's a Violet Red color and I am OBSESSED WITH IT.  I was hoping when I dyed my hair last month that I would have the courage to do this, and I didn't. But this time I said "You know what? I'm doing it!" I also got some new layers put in but the length is the same and I'm still growing out the bangs. Here's a picture.

 

 

It's pretty amazing. I can't wait to go out after work today and take pictures with my mom and she's going snap a few of me so hopefully they'll come out good!

 

Work has been going really well. I am loving learning more about the stock market, and about some of the things my boss does for his clients! I have learned a lot of things for the job in a surprisingly quick timeframe. And my boss and I get along really well so that's just a big bonus!

 

Mike and I are doing great! Since I've started this new job, I actually see my husband more than one night a week. That's not something that should have been happening anyways, but working in food service, you have to close your restaurant. And he works 930-615 so if I closed (which lets be honest over the summer I closed more often than not) he was already asleep. So now that I'm out at 3 and he's home at 630, things have been amazing. We eat dinner together, watch a movie, are able to go to small group, you know, things normal married couples do and take for granted. Switching jobs has been probably the best decision I've made in a long time!

 

Getting pregnant is hard! We're going on 19 months of trying to get pregnant, and still nothing. This cycle I decided NOT to take the Clomid, and that was the worst idea ever. When I was on the Clomid the past 4 months, everything has been on time. 31 days on the dot. Today is day 34, and I'm not even sure if I ovulated yet. So of course, I'm kicking myself for not taking it this month, but I needed a break. It was making me so emotional, so anxious, and SO HOT. I couldn't start a new job on that kind of mind set!

 

Looking back at a year ago, it's so crazy to think about what I wanted my life to look like. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted our family to grow. I wanted to have cravings, to puke 5 times a day for months, to go through the pain of child birth. I wanted every horrible moment of it, because I wanted a beautiful child. And a year later, I'm still that woman. I still want that baby. And I've seen so many people get pregnant and have babies in the year and a half we've been trying. I kept screaming When is it my turn God?!?

 

In the past 6 months I've really learned that I can't control this as much as I want to. My body isn't going to let me. And I've accepted that it will take a while to get pregnant. I've accepted that my body isn't ready for a baby yet. I've accepted that it is all in God's timing.

 

As I was scrolling through my facebook feed today, I came across a quote I wanted to share with you guys today.

 

"Sometimes our greatest disappointments today will set us up for God's best appointments tomorrow."

 

Oh I love this so much. This is what I'm going through. This is my heart.

 

The other thing I wanted to share was a song. I first heard this song at the church I went to in Maine for 3 years. The youth pastors wife sang this as a special music one week and I just thought it was beautiful. When I reheard the song today, I realized the song was written for me. The song is called "To Those Who Wait" by Bethany Dillon. I love the whole song, but this particular lyric just pops out at me every time I hear the song.

 

Oh, wretched man that I am!
Free me from my distractions.
You say You’re good to those who wait.

 

 

I guess that's really all for today. This wasn't really a one topic post and I'm sorry about that, but as the title said, I'm really scattered today!

 

A verse to keep with you today.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10

 

Blessings

Amanda