36 Weeks

I find myself saying this all the time, but I still can't get over the fact that I am pregnant. You would think by now, at 36 weeks pregnant (and also exactly 1 month till my due date) that it would have sank in. And yet here I am, waddling around, peeing all the time, barely sleeping, and I can't believe I'm pregnant and get to be a mommy to this precious little boy.

It seems like forever since I've blogged. Actually, it seems like forever since I've really done anything that isn't work, church, or baby related. Yesterday I sat down at the piano and played/sang for a good solid hour. I couldn't tell you the last time I just sat and worshiped at a piano. I never thought I'd be one of those parents who forgets about their own loves and needs, but yet here I am, spending most of my time reorganizing his clothes for the 17th time, restacking diapers, moving toys from one shelf to another, and just sitting in his room.

I literally find myself just sitting in his room for hours.

Now, part of that is definitely because I get into one position that is comfortable and I don't want to move out of fear of not being able to be comfortable again. A lot of it though is because I just enjoy being in his room thinking of all of the time I will spend in there over the next however many years we're in our apartment. I think of all the diapers I'm about to start changing, all of those books on the shelves that I'll be reading. I find myself crying and just thanking God for the miracle inside of me, and praying for the space to be a safe place for our son and that he grows up into an amazing man like his father.

Let me tell you though, as excited as I am to have this guy in our lives in a matter of weeks, I'm completely terrified all at the same time. As much experience as I have in the education field, as much babysitting as I've done, all the diapers of other children I've changed, all the bottles I've prepared, all the songs I've sung to put kids to sleep, it's never been MY child. I've given those children back to their parents after a few hours or after a day at the daycare. I clock out, get paid, and go about my life. And it terrifies me that there isn't that option anymore. It's my child. I'm the one that has to pick him up at 3 am and feed him. There is no "break". There's no "I'm going to just run to the store and grab a few things" anymore. I will ALWAYS have him on my mind. Did I feed him enough? When was the last time I changed his diaper? Is that diaper rash because of the diaper or because of the cream I put on him? Was that a sneeze? Is he allergic to the cats? Did he scratch his face? Does he love me?

All these doubts and fears come in waves, and usually not very often, but when they hit it's like I'm pulled under water and can't escape out of those thoughts. There are so many days where I think it'd be easier if he just stayed inside of me forever. He's protected from the outside world there. He doesn't have to worry about who's president or what the cool brand of sneakers are when he's 12, or if it's going to snow or rain tomorrow. He's safe. And it frightens me the world he's going to grow up in.

Then I look at the people he'll be surrounded by. His immediate family (Mike and I) are obviously going to love him beyond measure, and love each other even more than that, and God even more than that. I think having that family unit centered around Christ and Love will be the biggest contributor to how he will be as he gets older. Growing up in a home full of love for God and for ALL people. But not only his immediate family, but his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, his extended family out of that. They all are going to love him so much, and each bring such unique things to his life and upbringing. I couldn't have hand picked a better family for him to be born into, both on my side and on hubby's. Add into that the amazing teacher's he'll have at daycare, the amazing friends I have made through different jobs, and church, and even you, dear friends of the internet. I have no doubt that he'll grow up knowing he's ALWAYS loved.


I feel like all of my blog posts have been super scatter brained recently (if you can call the fact that I wrote my last one nearly 2 months ago recently), but yeah, things are good. Uncomfortable as it's the last few weeks of this adventure, but good. Here's some updated pictures on how huge I'm getting.

 

Photo's from our Maternity Session (Photo credit to Laura Elaine Photography)

8 Months vs 9 Months

 

XOXO

Amanda, Mike, and Bump

Baby Regisry Breakdown

I started building my baby registry pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was excited. I didn't care who knew I was pregnant. I wasn't scared of the "what if's". I wanted to just be happy and live the pregnancy life.

When we first were first married, Mike and I were living in a small one bedroom apartment. We wanted to start our family then, and we knew if we got pregnant in that apartment, we would have to have a very minimalistic registry since we didn't have the physical room for all the different things that are offered for babies.

Now that we are in a much larger 3 bedroom apartment, with a nursery for baby, my first thought was "I need to fill up this room!"

And then I took a step back.


If you go to any website to build a registry (we personally used Babies R Us, Amazon, Target, and then combined it all on Babylist) they will give you a "Checklist" to go through to build your dream registry with everything baby "needs".

Here is a sample of the lists.

http://www.toysrus.com/shop/index.jsp?categoryId=17082946

Now, is this super useful? Absolutely! I do like that this shows you a "needs" list and a "Good to have" list. However, I wanted to write this blogpost to give you my list of things I think are "needs" and "good to have's" and a third category of "You don't need this but someone somewhere decided you needed this".

So here it is, the blog post we've all been waiting for...

What You Actually Need For Your Baby

Now, I'm going to put a little disclaimer right here. My son has not been born, so once he's here, I will probably write another post that says "why did I think I needed/didn't need ____" because I know I'm not right all the time.


I personally am in the mindset that less is more, and encouraging play and natural movement is very important. It could be the teacher in me. It could be the fact that I grew up with a teacher as a mom. But I was always playing with my dolls and playing dress up as a kid. I didn't have a "gaming system" until I was a senior in high school, and all the games I was allowed to play on the computer growing up were educational games that taught me to either type faster or how to spell or learn Spanish. So for me, it just made sense to start our child off in a minimalistic mind set. Just because we have the space doesn't mean we need to fill it.

What you ACTUALLY Need

• A place for the baby to sleep (Preferably a crib, or if you decide to co-sleep, your own bed)
• Clothes
• A car seat
• A way to feed your baby (If you're not breast feeding, bottles/formula. If you are breast feeding, a pump/bottles if you won't have the baby with you 24/7)
• Diapers (Cloth or Disposable)
• Wipes

If you really think about it, that's all an infant NEEDS. I've been very blessed and have either been gifted a lot of these items, have gotten items on sale, or the items have been bought off of our registry. If this baby came today (please cook longer baby), I wouldn't be freaking out because he doesn't have something he needs. He would be okay to come into this world and live at our house. Currently in our nursery, we have a glider, a dresser, a changing table dresser, and a night stand that we are making from crates. With the exception of the crib (which has been bought off of our registry), our nursery is ready to go.

What's Good To Have

• A way to store baby clothes (dresser/bins for in a closet/hangers)
• Burp Clothes/Bibs
• Stroller
• Carrier (Ergo/Wrap)
• Diaper Bag
• Baby Bathtub
• Baby Monitor
• Teethers

When it comes to the "good to have" list, I really looked at this list as "if we have all of our needs met and had extra money, what would be the things we would go out and buy." Now for us, we already have a dresser so that's already checked off. My stroller has already been bought for us as well. I think having a wrap to wear baby (like this one) is probably the first item I would buy if nothing else was bought off of our registry. I love the idea of wearing our son and keeping him close to me rather than having him in a stroller all the time, but realistically a stroller can be easier for those long walks around the mall, and that's okay!!!! And for us, because of the layout of our apartment, we really don't NEED a baby monitor (which by the way, I'm talking basic $30 sound only monitor), but once he's transitioned into his room full time it would be great for those late night feedings.

What People THINK You need, but you really don't!

• Mobile
• Sound Machine
• Crib Bumpers
• Diaper Stacker
• Diaper Warmer
• Car Seat Toys
• Pacifiers
• "Containers" for Baby (Don't worry, I'll explain)

*I'm just gong to put this here, but I KNOW I'm going to get some strong opinions over this, and that's okay*

When I originally had the idea for this blog post, I was going to make it a "things you'll never see on my registry" post, but really there are only 2 things I feel strongly about not having that it would have been a short and probably bitter blog post so that changed. I will say that the list of things you don't really need, I have some of these items on my registry, and that's okay! I have pacifiers on my list, but I'm not going to go over board about getting them because I don't think baby NEEDS it. But he maybe could.

The real thing I want to address here is the crib bumpers and the "containers". I have a crib bumper of sorts on my registry, but it's breathable mesh and more of a bumper for the top of the crib for when baby can pull himself up so he's not hitting his head on the hard wood. The typical crib bumpers are a huge safety issue in my opinion because if they roll over next to it and can't breathe against the cloth...problems.

The other thing is the "containers". A container would be things like swings, bouncy seats, jumper-roo's, rock&plays, and the like. I am not opposed to these items, as I have most of these things on my registry, but it's when they are excessively used or used for the wrong purpose that I have a problem with them. I know that this is a very unpopular opinion, but I will not be registering for a rock&play. Many many many moms have told me they were life savers when their children were younger because it could be used as a bassinette in their room at night, and for babies with acid reflux it was a life saver. After doing a lot of research, I know I will be putting my child in either his crib from the beginning or in a pack and play next to our bed flat on his back. I know people want their child to be comfortable and want the padding and pillows and like the recline of the rock&play, but a child should be sleeping on their back on a flat surface as an infant to prevent SIDS. This is my belief, and it's ok if you believe differently. Moms will probably say "my baby was fine and didn't die from SIDS from being in a rock&play to sleep" and that's GREAT for you. But there have been too many cases of babies sleeping not on their back for long periods of time and their airways getting cut off or suffocation from the plush materials of these products that I'd rather not risk it.

As for the other containers (swings/bouncers) these items ARE on my registry, but if they aren't gifted to us at showers, they probably aren't items I would go out of my way to purchase on my own, just because I would rather be engaging with my child/having them explore their environment rather than be stuck in one spot looking at one thing for an extended amount of time.

I hope that wasn't too harsh, it's just my opinion and I know I'm not right on a lot of things (especially since this kid isn't even born yet) but these are the things I have learned from a few years of teaching, being friends with mama's, and being the daughter of an infant teacher.

Quick baby update: he's awesome. I'm just about 30 weeks and he's measuring perfectly with where he should be for size, and his heart beat is perfect. Can't wait to meet this nugget!

XOXO
Manda and Nugget

 

Things I Never Thought I'd Do...Until I Became Pregnant

In discussion with a close friend of mine this past week (who also happens to be pregnant), I was telling her some crazy stories about things I've cried about since being pregnant, weird food cravings, and the like. She suggested I make a blog post about them, and I'm glad she did. I want other pregnant people to know they're not alone when crying over spilt milk (literally or figuratively), fumbling over their words and feet, or just wanting to eat some strange things. So here it is friends. the most embarrassing moments of my pregnancy so far!

Things I never thought I'd SAY...

Well, before becoming pregnant, I would say "Man, why are these girls (friends or otherwise) always complaining about being pregnant?? If I was in their shoes I'd never complain because I'd just be so overwhelmed with joy that I finally GOT pregnant that I wouldn't see the bad things in pregnancy."

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!

To those women who I mentally gave crap to, I'm so sorry. I know it's one of those "you don't know until you walk a mile in their shoes" kinds of situations, but you have to realize I was upset that you had what I wanted and were complaining about it while I'd give anything for the morning sickness, the stretch marks, the weird cravings, the painful kicks.

Now that I AM pregnant, I'm just going to say this. It's hard work. I never thought I'd say that, but it is HARD. It can be hard for the people in our lives who haven't been pregnant, or (sorry honey) for our husbands to understand that we are growing a human being inside of us and it comes with a lot of energy sucking, lots of food eating, and weird symptoms. And I never thought I'd complain about back pain or morning sickness (and on social media I normally don't), but I have told my close friends and family about the pains aches and sicknesses. They're there. Don't you worry.


The other thing I'd like to put in the category, on a much funnier note, is that I have a very hard time forming words into sentences at a moments notice. If I know that I'm going to be, let's say, at a small group dinner, I know who I'm going to be surrounded by, I know I'll have to order food, and I know that I'm in a "safe space" where if I stutter or forget words, I won't be judged.

However, when I get phone calls from random people at work, I seem to completely forget how to form words. Usually when I tell someone to have a great day, or that my boss will call them back, the words just don't know what they're doing. My brain knows EXACTLY what's wrong, but won't help my mouth out. The most recent example happened this morning when someone left a message for my boss, I took down their number and I said " Ok I will have him give you a call." the gentleman said "ok thanks so much have a good day." and I said "You're problem, you too."

You're problem, you too?? What is happening??

You're welcome, or No Problem would be the right answer. Ugh.

Things I never thought I'd DO...

Man, this list could probably go on forever, but I think I'm just going to bullet point it and move on,

• Take a bath every single day. Not because I need to relax.  Not because I need to shave. Not because I have a cool new bath bomb. But it's just become routine at this point.
• Pee 47 times a day.
• Eat the same meal for about 3-4 weeks, then be sick of it, and move on to the next thing. Currently on Grilled Cheese.
• Eat as MUCH as I do. Some days it's normal amounts, other days I eat whole packages of cookies by myself...
• Take multiple naps in one day. (This one is definitely a pro in my opinion)
• Rub Cocoa Butter Lotion all over myself to prevent stretch marks (ok, that's a lie, it just smells really good)

Now, there are 2 things I did want to elaborate on, so I didn't put them in this list.

The first? I  never thought I'd cry over some of the things I have. I've done really well and haven't cried much (compared to what I thought I would/people say you will). I've really only had maybe 3 or 4 moments of just crying for no reason. I lost it in the car with my mom the other day and she was like "oh my goodness honey what's wrong?" and I looked at her uncontrollably crying and just go "I'm pregnant, I don't know why! It's just kind of happening!" The only other real memorable time was with Mike and I lost it, and in only a way he can do, he gets me to start laughing to the point where I almost pee my pants and am crying harder because I'm laughing. So thanks for that babe!!

The other thing was I never thought I'd make my husband go out and get me a craving food. As I mentioned above, I eat basically the same things for weeks, and then switch it up a bit. But recently I've been in a smoothie mood. Not every day, but of course it's right after I finish off the yogurts, or the banana's have rotted that I want to have a smoothie. I've gone to the store with him when I have these cravings, but I'm just glad that he's willing to come with me at 845 at night to buy bananas, or glass bottle coke, or French fries, to satisfy my cravings.


If I can think of any more hilarious stories, or if more funny things happen that I think you'd enjoy, I'll post a follow up blog post to this, but for now, I just slur my words, cry over nothing, and eat smoothies, grilled cheeses, cereal, and pizza.

And brownies. Now I want brownies. *hint hint Mike*

Lots of love
Mama Hyde and Bump (and Toby, who now thinks it's his baby)

A Whole New Kind of Thankful

Every year at thanksgiving at my house, we go around the table holding hands and say what we're thankful for that year. Some years have been easy "I'm thankful that we got a new kitty and that Santa will be here soon". Some years have been much harder "I'm thankful that the 4 of us are sitting around this table" (the first thanksgiving after my grandmother had passed away and there should have been 5 sitting there).

The past 2 Thanksgivings I've said so many different things. 2014 I was just thankful for my amazing husband (and still am every day!). We were young (still are) and in love (still are) and were just full of hope to start a family! I remember my mom crying, as she does most years on Thanksgiving, saying how thankful she was for our family and that I had finally found the love of my life to share forever with.

2015 was a harder year. I really was struggling with what I was thankful for. If I had thought about the 365 days prior, I could have thought of a million things. The many vacations we took across the country, new friendships made, new jobs had. Heck, my best friend was going to the hospital in labor as we said these prayers! But all I could think about was how I had been trying for a baby for a year and a half, had been diagnosed with PCOS, the 4 rounds of clomid we had done didn't work, and that we currently were on a "medical break" (aka we wouldn't be getting pregnant until we started up medicine again). I cried. I'm pretty sure my thankful list was short and to the point. "I'm thankful for my family who is my support through it all."

Looking ahead to 8 days from now, Thanksgiving 2016, of course there are a million things I am thankful for. Isn't it funny how when we're on top of the world and our prayers have been answered all of the bad stuff just goes away and all we can see if the good? I don't see the subchorionic hemorrhage that made me fear for my babies life. I don't see the weeks upon weeks upon weeks of nausea that surrounded me most of the summer. I don't see the beginning of 2016 that shattered me with 2 more failed rounds of medicine that meant I would have to go to a specialist.

No, I'm only seeing the good. The trip to Disney World in April. Moving into the bigger apartment. Finding the fertility doctor that on our first IUI got us pregnant. Going to our first ultrasound seeing that little heart beat. Finding out that little nugget is a boy. Having finally all of the things I've dreamed of.

But then I stop. And I really think. And I'm almost more thankful for the hemorrhage than the first ultrasound of little man. I'm ALMOST more thankful for the failed rounds of Clomid over the past year than I was to go to Disney. Because through those hard moments, the painful, emotional, gut wrenching moments, I've survived. I've come to another day of Thanksgiving, and I'm here.

So this year, I'm thankful for it all. Every single day since last Thanksgiving. From meeting my niece on Black Friday evening when she was 12 hours old, all the way through the 365 days that carried just about every emotion imaginable. Through it all, it is well. All of those moments have led me to today, November 16th, 2016, as I sit in my office drinking Orange Juice because little nugget craves it now (and kicks like a maniac after I have just a sip). Would I have wanted to be pregnant the day we got married? Of course. But that's not how God works sometimes, and I wouldn't trade my story for anything.

So this Thanksgiving season, what are the moments you are thankful for that you never thought you would be?

Xoxo
Amanda and Bump

Dear Baby Hyde

Baby Boy Hyde,
I write this in the first week of knowing that you are a boy. In my heart I knew you were going to be a boy, even though all those silly old wives tales pointed to girl. Once the doctor said officially that you were a boy, my heart filled with such joy to find out who you are.

After we found out you were a boy, Mommy and Daddy went to your MeMa and PePaw's house to share with them, your Nunna, your Tio Joe and Tia Jess, and Auntie Kayleen and Uncle Sean the joy of our hearts that you are YOU. Now, some people may argue that Joe and Jess, and Kayleen and Sean aren't REALLY your Aunts and Uncles, but you are just so loved by so many amazing people that it only seems fitting that they are your Aunts and Uncles. And yes, Cheyanne and Shelby and any future children from our best friends will be your cousins. You'll learn to love them as much as your "real" cousins.

Anyways, back to the real letter to you little nugget. Sorry, your mama gets on tangents and just kind of goes off on them a lot. You'll learn to live with it and love it, just like daddy does.

So, we sent your family on a Disney scavenger hunt around MeMa and PePaw's house which then ended with everyone coming to the porch to find out that you were a boy. And I have to link the video of everyone's reactions and joy. Your mama couldn't quite pop a popper and hold a phone at the same time, so we had to improvise and put the phone in my pocket which didn't work out great, but it worked.

After this amazing moment came lots of phone calls to your great grandpa, your other grandparents and aunts and uncles and your MeMa's closest friends. Everyone shared in the joy of knowing you're a boy with us and it was magical.

This week has been full of emotions for me little nugget. I loved you since the moment I knew you were in there, but knowing you're a boy and knowing I actually have a SON and that you are growing safely inside of me makes me love you more than you'll ever know. Something about knowing you are my son and the amazing things that will come from your life just brings me to tears (which isn't very hard with pregnancy hormones and since I am exactly like your MeMa).

Something else you should know about your Mama now is that I will force you to take a lot of pictures. Now when you're an infant you won't really have much of a choice, but as you get older, I am sorry but we will all be wearing matching Christmas Pajama's Christmas Eve, along with any other siblings that you may have, I will make you pose in silly ways for Disney pictures, and it will be crazy. But you will get use to it. Just like your daddy has. Anyways, the point being, I made your daddy carve a pumpkin for me yesterday so that we could announce to the world that you are a boy. And I'd say it's my favorite Halloween memory with your Daddy by far.

I would say your Daddy did a good job carving out the pumpkin. And of course Mama did the blue pumpkin on the inside since it meant not having to touch pumpkin guts!

Baby boy, I am so in love with you. My prayer for you today is that you continue to grow strong (judging by the kicks you keep giving me I think you're doing good!) and that when you are born that you are prepared for a LOT of love from a LOT of people, but none more than your Mama and Daddy and your savior Jesus Christ. For it is because of His grace that you have been given to us.

Now, please stay cooking in Mommy's belly, but man, we can not WAIT to meet you.


XOXO
Mama Hyde

(PS for everyone else reading this, here's a few more pictures from our Gender Reveal Shoot)

17 Weeks

I'm still in amazement that I'm pregnant. I still am in shock that I'm pregnant. By the time I really am like "holy cow I'm pregnant" I think I'll be in the delivery room!

The morning sickness (all day sickness) is gone and I couldn't be more happy to be back to my semi-regular self! Those first 14 or so weeks were really rough. I was so afraid I wasn't getting little nugget enough food. I was worried I wasn't getting MYSELF enough food. But we've made it through.

At 13 weeks we had our genetic testing done. This was a blood test and an ultrasound. When they did the ultrasound, I was amazed at the details you could see of Baby Hyde. We could see the spine, the brain, all 4 chambers of the heart, the stomach, bladder, and obviously the arms, legs, hands, and feet. The tech thought they could tell what sex the baby was, but since it was so early she wasn't 100% sure, and even from looking at our ultrasound pictures and when we were there, we couldn't really tell either. Although, how would we?? We don't look at ultrasounds for a living!!

So the blood work test came back great. My risk of whatever things they were testing for were about 1 in 700 before going in to have the tests done based on my age, but after the testing, it's now at less than 1 in 10,000 so we are very grateful. We will love this nugget whether it has 4 arms, 6 toes, has a disability, or is a "Picture Perfect" baby (whatever that is), but it's just a sigh of relief knowing baby is doing well in there!

So today I'm at 17 weeks and everything that my apps are saying will start happening this week have been happening for the past week or so. They say I'll start having round ligament pains (which surprise I've had for weeks), crazy dreams (welcome to my every night) and I could even start to feel the baby move.

So about a week or so ago, I was trying to figure out if I was feeling the baby move or if it was just gas. I figured it was way too early to feel any movement/kicks/punches yet so it must just be gas or that I'm hungry. I ignored the feelings and kept moving on with my days. Until Sunday. Sunday was a very long day of singing on our worship team (but totally worth it because I got to spend my whole morning with some amazing musicians, friends, and people who have such amazing hearts for the Lord) and during the last service (being at church for almost 6 hours at this point) I started having that feeling again in my lower left side of my stomach. I just rubbed it a little bit to hopefully move whatever "gas bubble" was in there out of the way. I finished the service, still felt really tight and awkward, but still just shook it off.

It wasn't until I got home and took a nap that I realized it actually was the baby. I woke up after a very short nap (I usually sleep for hours) and put my hand on that part of my stomach and felt 3 little kicks/punches! I think that was the moment I realized "wow, there's actually something growing inside of me."

Little nugget, Mommy and Daddy love you so much! We are so thrilled you are growing the way you should be, your heart rate has been perfect, and we just can't wait to meet you in 23 or so weeks!!

*Also, we find out if Nugget is a Boy or Girl in just a few weeks and we can't WAIT to know who you are. As the scripture says, "For this child we have prayed." and we have certainly been praying for this child for a long long time. God has placed this child in our care to raise it to know Him and love Him, and we think we know this child we have prayed for and the name God has given us, but we'll have official answers in just a few short weeks!!! Either way, this child is loved beyond measure and I know will do great things.

Xoxo

Mama Hyde and Baby Hyde

Journaling The Bible Part Three: Leviticus

It's a good thing that my God is a God of forgiveness, because the first trimester of this pregnancy had me DOWN and I fell off of the wagon of reading my bible daily/regularly. At this rate, I have to read 6-7 chapters a day to reach the end of the bible by the time Baby Hyde arrives (if baby comes exactly on their due date). That scares me to be honest. It's so much easier to just throw on the T.V. and watch Netflix or catch up on the reality shows I forgot started up 3 weeks ago. It would be so much easier if I was just reading the bible. But God knows that I wouldn't remember as much of his word or really dig into it as much if I was just reading it. God knows that I don't learn that way. I have to be engaged in it. I have to take notes. Every Sunday I have my bible and a piece of paper ready to go for the sermon, ready to soak up as much knowledge as I can. So why would I do any differently when I'm at home studying?

Let me just say, Leviticus has been HARD. I came back from a 2 month or so break from reading and journaling and I have to jump into Leviticus. I think God was trying to teach me patience through this book, amongst other things. Genesis and Exodus were, relatively speaking, a breeze to read. The history of the people of Genesis kept my attention, were somewhat familiar stories (Adam and Eve, Noah, Joseph, etc.) and was definitely more of what I was "looking for" to start my bible journey. Exodus was all about Moses and again, familiar stories and then the building of the Tabernacle.

Leviticus on the other hand was a LOT of the same things repeated over and over. Now, I know that may sound bad, but I'm not lying. Go ahead and go read Leviticus 1-10 and you'll see what I'm saying. It was really cool to read about the different types of offerings that the Levites had to do in the Tabernacle and exactly how they had to do each type (burnt offering, sin offering, peace offering, guilt offering, and or ordination offering). Some of these details are very precise. You can only use certain animals, if you don't have those animals you can use certain types of grain. Some offerings you have to eat the animal (but only certain parts of course), other offerings you aren't allowed to eat it. It really was quite interesting to see that the Levites actually did all of these offerings and exactly as God has said to do them. Blood had to be spilt on certain area's of the Tabernacle, they could only burn certain pieces of the animal, don't spill blood on your clothes or they must be washed and will be unclean for a certain period of time. I'm certainly glad I'm not Jewish in the time of the Levites though, that is for sure.

At church on Sunday, I was still really struggling with Leviticus. I had written most of this blog post about a week or so ago, but had two chapters left and just couldn't get myself to read it. I felt discouraged knowing that these were all the old laws of Moses and didn't really apply (we'll let that one be debated). But then like God made it happen for a reason (duh, thanks God), our Producer for our worship service on Sunday morning read a devotional to us about Hebrews 10 preaching this verse; "¹⁰ For God’s will was for us to be made holy by the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ, once for all time." He then started talking about how the sacrifice of Jesus now covered all of us and we wouldn't have to make sacrifices like in the Old Testament. It was like God knew not only that I needed the reminder that Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for ME, but it was also that clarifying moment I needed as I finished up Leviticus and all the sacrifices that I knew were no longer applicable to our lives because of Jesus just kind of all hit me like a rock. 

So I encourage you today, if you are reading through Leviticus as a study with your bible study or as part of a sermon series, or you're encouraged to read it because of this blog post (although I find that last one highly unlikely), I really encourage you to read Hebrews 10 when you get discouraged like I was. To read it when you look down at your tattoo and know that in Leviticus it tells you not to have tattoos. When you see the sin you're committed, big or small, and remember that Jesus paid that ultimate sacrifice and you are no longer bound by that sin. Sin no longer has control over you. And you no longer have to sacrifice live stock, oils, breads, and go through all those processes, so let's just take a second to thank the Lord for that!!!

ONTO NUMBERS!

Love and blessings,
Amanda 

12 Weeks

My heart feels good today. But my stomach doesn't. And that's ok.

The risk of miscarriage has drastically gone down now that I have hit this 12 week mark. I know you are never really "in the clear", but after the 12 week mark (especially if you've heard the heart beat and seen the baby on an ultrasound) the risk is very very minimal and so I'm holding on to that hope today. And the fact that I'm still nauseous pretty much all day every day except for a very rare few hours or afternoon.

I'm still in a lot of shock that pregnancy is actually happening for me. For years I never thought I'd see this day. If it wasn't for the fact that my stomach is starting to pop out and the feeling sick 24/7, I wouldn't believe it. Even after hearing the heart beat a few weeks ago I still feel like this is all a dream.

We found out about 2 months ago that our dreams were becoming a reality. Monday we go in for genetic testing, which includes an ultrasound. This Mama is excited to see her little bean and how much it's grown since our last US at 7 weeks. Especially since at that point we were just praying the baby was ok since it was right around the time of my hemorrhage, I'm excited for this ultrasound rather than nervous. According to the apps and websites and all that stuff that comes along with pregnancy and the 21st century, my baby is apparently about the size of a plum. That just astounds me. A month ago on the ultrasound we could barely make out where the baby ended and the egg sack started, so to know my baby has grown that much in such a short amount of time is absolutely bonkers!!!

My appetite has still been lacking. I know that if I eat I start to feel better, but the thought of eating just puts me into an even worse position of stomach vs mind vs food. Thankfully every morning I eat breakfast and that hasn't stopped yet. But the rest of the day? It's really a gamble. Even those amazing looking food videos/pictures on facebook/pinterest can make me want to run to the bathroom at times! Which is quite upsetting because I really wish I could eat!!! Even today as I sit at my desk writing this, I'm having trouble eating a strawberry frosted donut (with sprinkles because duh). Besides cereal, any sort of frosted with sprinkles donut from DD's has been really the only other non snack food I can stomach.

While we're on the subject of weird things pregnancy does to your body, the pregnancy dreams are crazy!!!!! They are the most vivid dreams I've ever had (and I usually remember my dreams a good portion of the time) and they are WEIRD. Like the dream I had about our landlord (not our real landlord) changing the layout of our apartment so that the upstairs neighbors had the whole upstairs and half of our apartment. because to them it didn't seem fair that we had a bigger apartment than the upstairs neighbors (which weren't our real neighbor either). And I remember extremely distinctly exactly how the house was designed (it was actually more like my grandparent's house) and what colors the walls were being painted!!! And this dream probably happened 3 or 4 weeks ago! There have been other dreams about going to Arby's and ordering massive amounts of curly fries, but let's not get into that one, ya know, because food.

I never knew how exhausting making a baby could be, but man, it's hard work! Although I may not be able to feel the kicks of little nugget or know if it's a boy or girl yet, this baby is giving me a run for my money! I'm pretty sure every day I'm not at work, I take at least one nap during the day. Heck, even on the days I work, I tend to go home and take a nap (or at least lay in the nice air conditioned room with the lights off and relax).

I'm sure once we have our Genetic testing done next week and have the results from that that I will probably write a new blog post about it, why we decided to do it, all the fun stuff. But since the only thing to change from week 6 to week 12 was the size of my belly, I will leave it at that!

Xoxo
Mama Hyde

To Those Still Hurting...

Man these past few months have been a complete shift in my life. I've gone from taking a bunch of medication that changed my mood and personality, to taking prenatal vitamins. I've gone from crying more days than not over not getting what I want, to crying more days than not for getting what I don't deserve. I use to think "Why does ______ get to be pregnant and I don't?" and now I think "Why do I get to be pregnant and __________ doesn't?"

My friends, just because I have become pregnant doesn't mean I've forgotten the past 2 1/2 years. It seems almost like a celebrity who the public thinks they've forgotten where they come from. I have not forgotten my small town. I haven't forgotten where I came from. Because of where I came from, I have looked at this gift in such a different light than I would have 2 1/2 years ago.

The past 2 years on our wedding anniversary I've been so excited to celebrate another year with my amazing husband. Yet in the back of my mind the past 2 anniversaries have marked the start date of our journey to start a family. The happiest day of my life was also the starting date to a long 2 years of starting our family. As we've watched our marriage grow and our love for the Lord grow, it's been hard to sit back and wonder when our family would grow.

My heart still has days that I hurt. I still wonder "Why now?" I still find myself wishing that this day could have come more quickly. I wish I hadn't had to struggle, to wait, to spend so much time worrying and crying. I know that God has a plan for me, my husband, and this child. I still have no clue what that is and why we couldn't have had this child given to us when we first started praying, but I continue to pray for that answer.

In the 2ish months that we have been pregnant it seems like either everyone else is getting pregnant too, or I'm finding out more and more people are struggling. While I am so overjoyed with the news that Baby Hyde is going to have so many friends so close in age, I know that there are women who see me and many of my friends get pregnant around the same time (totally not planned) and wish to be part of that group.

When we found out that we were pregnant, my heart obviously burst out of my chest and my happiness couldn't be contained. Of course that's how I would react! After fighting so hard, praying even harder, and spending so much time invested, I'm obviously allowed to be happy! But as I was getting ready to tell a few of my closest friends and family, I knew that there would be some people who I am close to who's joy might not be as strong as others. I had to be very careful with how I shared the most amazing news.

But why Amanda? Why not scream it from the rooftops and be excited?

Guys, trust me it was hard not to!! But when your heart has hurt for so long, and you know the pain of seeing your dream come true for someone else, you know (for the most part) how to not be a jerk about it. The hardest part was one of the people I'm closest to in my life is suffering through unexplained infertility. So I knew I couldn't just go jumping up and down to them (even though I wanted to SO BADLY) and expect them to jump for joy along side of me. I had to watch my words. I had to keep my joy to a smile and simple joy. Now, if you asked this person how they felt when they found out I was pregnant they probably are so over the moon excited for us. But if the roles had been reversed, I would have wanted them to act towards me the way I did towards them. Now that the pregnancy has sunk in a little bit more, that "awkwardness" I guess you could say has started to go away (at least on my end) but I still make sure I don't text them every day with my complaints of morning sickness.

Friends and family, random people of the internet, I know infertility sucks. Just because I've come around the other side of the mountain and have beaten the odds doesn't mean I forgot my past hurts. I am overwhelmed with joy to be pregnant, of course, but my heart still grieves when another friend posts her negative test, that their IVF treatment has been pushed back another month for the third time, that infertility is ripping apart a marriage. My heart hurts because my heart knows.

Anyway, this has been long and babbling, and I probably didn't even make the point that I wanted to when I started writing this. So I guess here it is. All of our stories are different. 2 months of trying to get pregnant can be just as hard on someone who has been trying for 2 years. Someone who has no infertility issues can still be upset when they can't get pregnant right away. My 2 years of trying felt like an eternity, and yet there are some people who say "I remember the 2 year mark, that was 8 years ago." I was a "lucky" one who's first IUI worked. But I still have so much pain and sadness from those 2 years of waiting.

Never give up, never lose sight of what your dream is (no matter what it is!), and always remember who is the one who has your back!

"'Cause love can fix a busted heart like mine
Put it back together every single time
Turn my mess to a miracle
Anything is possible" - Matthew West- Anything is Possible

XOXO
Amanda

Little Miracle

WE DID IT!


It only took us 805 days, 3 doctors, 6 rounds of Clomid, countless blood tests (and other invasive tests), and one IUI, but we did it! There's a little nugget growing inside of me and I couldn't be more thankful!

So here's what's been going on in the TTC to pregnant journey!

On June 26th, Mike and I had a 9 am appointment at a different IVF office than we were use to. We knew we had to be out of there by 940 at the latest to make it to our church outdoor service on the lake, and so we were only rushing around like crazy. We got there and I assumed it was only blood work to check levels and then we'd be on our way. Oh no, we also had to have an ultrasound done too. Which would have been totally fine, except they never put my name on the ultrasound list so we waited and watched everyone around us go and then more people come in, and they got to go and we just sat. I finally spoke up and they were like "oh, you weren't on the list."

I was NOT happy.

I finally got into the ultrasound tech's room and was prepared for them to say "sorry, your follicles aren't where they need to be come back again for more ultrasounds until it's where it should be." They obviously can't say what's going on right in the room, but she did say she could see a cyst on the left side *remember this because it comes into play later on* and that it was rather large.

So we finally get out of there, drive to our church picnic (which we've now missed the entire service) and just try to relax. My mom did get baptized that day so I can NOT complain! We got there just in time for the call to baptism and so she said "you're here, I'm doing it" and I got to watch my husband and our pastor baptize my mom in the lake. It was a beautiful moment!!!

As we were getting ready to leave I saw that my phone had been ringing and had a missed call. It was the Dr. who left the message that said "Your follicle is 17.33 mm so do your trigger shot tomorrow night and then come in Wednesday for your IUI."

I was in shock.

I told my few close friends from church how excited I was that it was actually happening and they prayed over us and sent us off with smiles and cheers!!!

The trigger shot Monday was nothing, so we don't have to get into detail about that.

Wednesday (June 29th) morning came and I was so nervous and excited. My appointment was at 10, so I made sure we got there a little bit before. It was a good thing we did, because (to not give gross details) we were suppose to bring Mike's swimmers to be cleaned at 9 so that they were ready to go by 10. Woops! The nurse assisting the Dr. told us that next time we should make sure we bring his boys (or girls) in an hour before. To which I replied "Well, no offense, but hopefully there won't be a next time!" The IUI went great. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I was expecting. It took about 30 seconds and we were done! We were now in the Two Week Wait (TWW).

I was not sure how long this wait was going to feel, but I was prepared for the longest 2 weeks before I'd go in to the Dr.'s for my first blood pregnancy test. Thankfully in that time, we  had a 4th of July party and my birthday so at least the first week of the TWW would go by quickly. The party was great, Mike brought me to Saratoga Springs and Lake George for my birthday, and we had just a wonderful relaxing few days.

Fast forward to Saturday, July 9th. I was home all day and Mike was working. Something just felt really off, but I had told myself that we wouldn't take a home pregnancy test until Monday or Tuesday. The trigger shot we did can show false positives if you take a test too early so I didn't want to see that second line and know it wasn't real. But something told me to go buy a test.

5:00 pm I took the test. I was expecting to see one line, just as I had always seen for the past 805 days. Every test has been negative. No slight positive, no "squinters", nothing. Blank tests. So I wasn't expecting this.

 

It wasn't as dark as the control line, but there was definitely a line there. I absolutely lost it. I cried some of the ugliest cries I've ever cried.

 

And then I freaked out.

 

So many thoughts ran through my head, but the first one was "How do I tell Mike?" I had thought about cute creative ways to tell him over the years, but now that it was real, I had no idea how to tell him the biggest news of his life. I ended up getting him a bottle of "Smashed Pumpkin" Pumpkin head beer, a bottle of Maine Root Root Beer, and a baby bottle. I also had found a onesie that said "I love daddy" and I put the pregnancy test on top of it. He was definitely in shock to say the least. The best part was him saying "I mean, can you take a test this early? Well, obviously you can, I mean, there it is right there!"

 

The next morning I had to be sure, because obviously the 5:00 pm test couldn't have been right. So I took the second test that was in the box...

 

 

Well, it doesn't get much clearer than that!!!

 

So on Wednesday July 13th, we had our first blood pregnancy test. My numbers were at 216 which was very good (usually at that time anything above 50 is good). On the 15th my numbers had way more than doubled to 754, and then on 22nd they were at 9860. Everything was going perfectly! I felt great, my appetite was up, my energy was up, and I was feeling on top of the world!

 

And then I started spotting.

 

When you spot when you're pregnant you tend to freak out. I let the nurse at IVF know, and she said it could still be implantation bleeding and not to worry about it. I was suppose to go to Maryland for a week with my youth group kids, but because of the spotting I decided I should probably stay back just in case something happened.

 

And I am beyond glad that I stayed home.

 

I took the week off from work because I started having some nausea and would rather take the week to relax since I was already scheduled off from work anyways. The spotting was still constant, but I was trying not to worry about it.

 

Until I started bleeding that Friday morning.

 

I woke Mike up at 4 in the morning and said we had to go to the hospital NOW. Thankfully, we live about a 2 minute drive from the hospital so it wasn't a long drive. We got there and spent the next 4 hours at the ER. They put an IV in me for blood tests, took my blood pressure, and I was feeling horrible. My stomach was in knots from the morning sickness and from the anxiety. I looked at Mike and told him "I can't do this. God wouldn't do this. After all this time, all this praying and hoping, why would God do this??" They brought me in to have an ultrasound done and I made Mike come in with me. I couldn't do this alone. I couldn't look at him and tell him there was no baby. I would never be able to formulate the words. But I continued to just pray and pray and pray and said "God, you're so good. Don't let this be the end."

 

And then I looked up at the ultrasound and saw the most perfect little dot on the screen. There was a baby. There was a heart beat. There was promise and hope.

 

And there was also a 5cm Hemorrhage.

 

So long of the short is I have to wait for the hemorrhage to clear up. It isn't uncommon in pregnancy, but it still scared the living daylights out of me.

 

We are currently at about 9 weeks and the baby is doing great! We saw little nugget at 7 weeks with a perfect heart beat of 153!  Mom however is being hit HARD with morning sickness. And can I just say, it isn't morning sickness. It's every day sickness. For anyone who hasn't been pregnant or had no morning sickness (ps I hate you) I pretty much feel hung over 24/7. I've been pretty good about drinking lots of fluids, but as the IVF Dr. said, the first trimester is survival mode. So I'm not eating a ton, and when I do eat it isn't exactly "normal meals" (fruity pebbles has been making up most of my meals the past week) but when I do eat (like the hamburger and half a brat at my moms over the weekend) it's like I'm super woman!!! 

I couldn't do any of this without the support of my closest friends and family, but especially without my husband. Babe, you are so patient with me and I can't thank you enough for the breakfast in bed every day and for all the little things you do for baby and I. Once I'm back on my feet and not spending most days in the bathroom, I will make YOU breakfast in bed!

Xoxo

Amanda (and baby!) 

Journaling The Bible Part Two: Exodus

Wow, how am I already through two books in the bible? I won't lie, it hasn't been easy. Taking time out of my day every day to not only read the bible, but to journal and make notes and be actively praying about this journey has been hard. I've had a LOT of days that I didn't want to journal. It'd be way easier to just be reading these words. But I know the kind of studier I am. And I won't retain information just by reading it, I have to be writing it, making sense of it in my own words. So here we go! Here's Exodus!

Exodus was written by Moses. I know, shocking since the whole book is about him. But man I didn't realize all of the stories I knew and how they correlated with each other. Obviously I remember the story of the newborn Israelite children to be killed, and that one of them was put in a basket and pushed down the river, only to be saved by the Pharaoh's daughter. I kind of forgot that that was Moses (see, this is what I'm saying when I say I know the stories, but don't really understand them).

I remember when I started reading Exodus back at the beginning of the month (July 6th to be exact) that I was just praying that God open my eyes to different things that I had never seen before.when God told Moses he would be going to speak to Pharaoh, but Moses said he physically couldn't speak to crowds of people without getting tongue tied. So God sent him Aaron to speak for him. As I was reading this I became overwhelmed with emotions. Not that I'm a bad public speaker, but Moses would be going to be trying to convince Pharaoh of how great his God is and to be letting a LOT of slaves of Egypt leave. As I thought over this I wrote this prayer:

"Lord, if I can't speak proper words to express something of your will, give me an Aaron. Give me just the right tools to communicate with others, whether it is another person, a blog post someone else has written, or just sharing the word of God."

In 2016, it is extremely hard for even some of the most biblically wise people to share the word of God with others, because like Pharaoh their hearts have been hardened. So I just continue to pray that if I don't have those right words to help spread the gospel, I am able to step back, realize that, and use someone/something to help me.

Anyways, back to the book of Exodus.

So now that Moses has Aaron to help him, they go to Pharaoh and say "Let my people go". *Cue me singing different Sunday School songs on this topic*. So rather than just giving up, God shows Moses all of these amazing things to try and convince Pharaoh how amazing God is (turning a staff into a snake, turning The Nile into a river of blood, etc.). And even after all of that, Pharaoh just kept getting harder and harder a heart.

So what's the reasonable thing to do? Plagues! Of course! Let's send a plague of Frogs, Gnats, Flies, Kill all the Egyptian live stock, give everyone boils, send hail, locusts, darkness so dark you can feel it for three days, and then finally the death of each first born son.

Woah God, a little harsh? But he is trying to make a point and he certainly makes it. He told Moses that no matter what he did Pharaoh's heart would just keep hardening. I bet that Moses is pretty discouraged at this point that he still can't leave Egypt, and probably feels bad that all the people of Egypt have had to suffer. But the killing of the first born sons was what got me. I obviously knew the story of Passover and how you put blood around the door and stay inside and so the Angel of Death doesn't take your son. I didn't know however that this was one of the plagues given across Egypt before Moses was finally able to leave.

Great now Moses has gotten his people out of Egypt into safer land. God calls him upon Mount Sinai and gives him the 10 commandments (again, forgot that these two things went along side each other) and a BUNCH of other rules basically saying if you do something wrong against someone, or one of your livestock kills someone on purpose, you must die. Obviously that isn't all he commands, but if you're looking to see them all, they can be found in Exodus 21 and 22. 

And then we get to Exodus 23 and you can find me crying a LOT. Verse 26 says there will be no more miscarriages or infertility in your land. 

Now I obviously know they're talking about that particular group of people and not ever in the world, but knowing God spoke those words and that for those people those words were true and they had no more infertility gives me such hope. And that's what I wrote in my journal. That I felt so hopeful for those words to be my truth too. 

So the remainder of Exodus (Chapter 25-40) is pretty much God giving Moses the exact measurements and how everything is to be built and placed in the Tabernacle. It says exactly how the robes must be made, worn, when incense are to be burned, what kind of offerings go where. It is beautifully orchestrated. But poor Moses, by the time he comes down off Mount Sinai, his people were worshiping a golden calf that Aaron had made. But eventually they realize God is the TRUE GOD and they build the tabernacle exactly as it should be. 

In our lives are we building our lives exactly the way God commanded us to, or have we strayed in the waiting to hear what to do next and worshiped idols or just flat out turned from God? For over two years I have been battling between the two when it comes to our infertility. I know that God will show us exactly the right plans on how to build our lives, but it's so much easier to turn and make things the way we want them. 

Brothers and sisters in Christ, join me in committing that we will not turn. We will keep following and waiting for those very detailed instructions. We will build our tabernacles exactly how God has intended them. 

Lord, thank you for all you've taught me through Moses and through Exodus. Help me to continue strongly in reading your word and not to be distracted. Help me to daily make time to read Leviticus and that it may too help me to know you more, know the life of Moses more, and to know your plan for me. 

Xoxo

Amanda