Those First Few Days...

Everyday, Facebook has a way of surprising me. Every morning without fail, I wake up to a little notification saying "Your memories with ______, ______, and X amount of people are waiting for you". I'm sure most of you see this on a daily basis, or open up your timehop to see what your life was like in the past how ever many years on this exact day.

Well, this morning Facebook decided to remind me of the days before I was open about my infertility and all I was going through.

Actually, I wasn't open about it because I didn't know.

It was a year ago that I walked into the local hospital and got 8 different tests done and had no idea what was on the other side of those tests. I didn't even know what PCOS meant. I was just going to get blood work to "rule out some things" which as I would come to find out actually ruled them IN. I remember the nurse being so sweet and telling me which vile would go to which test. She also had gone through infertility  and was on the other side now having two preteen children. I don't think it registered in my head then that I could be one in eight. I didn't want to believe I was one in eight.

Looking back at the girl I was a year ago, I don't think she ever could have imagined going another year without being pregnant. Heck, at that point I couldn't believe I'd already gone a year and not gotten pregnant. But that was my reality and I was willing to do anything to change it.

Within a few days I got the call saying I had PCOS. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at rehearsal for a play I was in and I had a missed call and I ran off stage and went to the bathroom to call the doctor back. She had a lot of medical terms, other tests she wanted to do, and of course the diagnosis. She said that once my period came again that we would start my first round of clomid to see if it would make me ovulate (which if you've been reading my blogs since last June you'll know they did, but not successful in getting pregnant). So that was another 2 months of waiting.

Looking back I wish I had done all that lab work sooner, but most doctors won't do it until you've been trying for a year. I wish I had gone way before even trying to get pregnant so I could have had answers to all my questions. But such is life and you live and learn. Now I can help other girls to be able to stand up for themselves and get tested whether they've been trying for a year or not. It's so hard to say to a doctor "I really would like to be tested for PCOS, endo, etc" but sometimes it's what we have to do! Even if the tests came back negative, wouldn't you rather rule it out?

As badly as I want a child, infertility has been one of the best things to happen to me. Not only have I been able to help other girls/women going though similar situations, met some amazing women within the TTC community online, but I've also been able to make new friendships and strengthen old friendships in my everyday life! My marriage has grown so much more in the past two years than it probably would have. We've had to go through some really rough times to start out our marriage that most couples don't have to go through, and for that I am so grateful. Having that man to pray with me and be the shoulder I cry on and who listens to all my craziness is the biggest blessing.

Of course the number one reason I'm ok with living with infertility is that it's made me rely on God so much more. I've been way more diligent in prayer than I probably would have been if I had gotten pregnant right off the bat and everything was in my plans. But God's plans are WAY better than mine, as hard as that is to admit, and I just have to keep following those plans. I've definitely taken some detours along the way of God's plan, but I will make it to that destination he has waiting for me!

It took me a little while to open up about my fertility issues, but I am SO glad I finally was upfront and honest about it. For some reason, people would rather stay quiet about their fertility issues, their miscarriages, their PCOS. While that is fine for some, for me that's just not the case. I know myself and I know I need that support and prayer. So thank you to all my readers, friends, family, strangers, and robots (you never know) for all of your support over the past year!

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."- 2 Corinthians 4:18

God Bless
Amanda