Who's Counting On You?

It's been just about two years of trying to get pregnant. Two years of testing, unanswered prayers, a lot of spiritually low moments, and a lot of doubt. It has also been two years of God still being there. It can be so easy to say "God hasn't gotten me pregnant and hasn't answered that prayer. Why is he ignoring me?"

Truth be told, God has answered so many of my prayers. Ironically, some of my greatest prayers weren't about myself. My biggest prayer for a very long time was for one of my best friends, and God provided. After years of trying and many complications, they now have a beautiful child and are blessed. Not that I think my prayer is the reason they have a child, but seeing that prayers do get answered has given me hope.

This friend knows how much I care for her, and how much I look up to her. I'm always counting on her. Her strength through a year of really tough times gives me hope during my tough times. Her elegance and grace during these first few months of motherhood is how I hope to be with my own child someday.

Of course I know that she isn't always strong. None of us are. But it raises the question: if I'm counting on her to be strong for me, who is counting on me to be strong for them?

I'm sure there were days before her pregnancy that my friend wanted to give up. How long can you actually keep going and getting your heart broken before just calling it quits? I know I have had days where I'm just ready to throw in the towel on children. But seeing God's blessing in her life keeps me going. She reminds me, intentionally or not, that God is full of miracles, and that God doesn't want to see us hurt.

My story is definitely not all smiles and rainbows like I try to show on the outside. I am a generally happy person, but I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I am vulnerable with my feelings and my life, and I'm pretty upfront with my struggles. And even with all of the pain and struggle, I'm making it through. And people are counting on me.

I know I've previously made a whole blog post based off of the song "Just Be Held' by Casting Crowns (find the post here) but I really wanted to just share the first few lines with you again.

Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere, barely leaves you holding on
When you're tired of fighting, chained by your control.
There is freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go

I could be totally wrong, but I think the reason that people count on me through their hard times is because of my mindset through it all. This song has been my anthem throughout my infertility journey, but two years into this, these words haven't been more true. There is freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go. I know that for me, I have to take medicine and do some of these procedures to be able to get pregnant, but that doesn't mean I can't lay down all of this to God and let it go. I have to be active in this journey to get pregnant, but I know that God has all the control in this.

Today, a friend of mine tagged me in a video on Instagram. It was on a public Instagram with just under 500K followers, and the girl in the video was saying "What if God specifically chose you to grow through pain and tragedy because he knows who's watching you?" and that really resonated with me. Sometimes it can be easy to forget through your pain that there could be a reason much bigger than yourself for the reason you're going through this. If going through infertility means that I am able to impact someone's life for Christ, I'll go through infertility forever. If it means that someone turns to Christ during their own fertility issues because they see the strength I have with God, then bring it on.

I want to continue to be an encouragement to people and show them that the ONLY reason I can handle all of this pain is Jesus. See, Jesus was physically nailed to a cross and died there after hours of suffering. And when those nails were pierced through his hands, my sin was nailed up on that cross with it. My infertility pain was nailed up there. YOUR sin and pain was nailed up there. And it died with Christ. And guess what? I know the end of the story. And Jesus overcomes the grave and now we get to spend eternity with him!

These pains of this world are just temporary, and praise God for that, because I can't wait for the day that I see him face to face in Heaven and he says "Well done, good and faithful servant". You see, having children isn't the answer; Jesus is the answer. And I have to follow his calling for my life. I think that children are part of God's plan for me, but my end goal isn't to have children. My end goal is to follow Jesus till my last breath and use every day between now and then doing his will for my life.

So who is counting on you today? Who's counting on your strength in the trials? Who's counting on your joy in the hard times? Who's counting on you to be the light of Jesus for them today? I know I have people counting on me, and so I press on for myself, my husband, and for them. If you're reading this and you are counting on me. I'd love to hear from you either through a comment below, a private message on Facebook or Instagram, email, anything. Send a carrier pigeon! If there's someone out there who's counting on me, I want to be able to pray for and with you as we all go on this journey of life together.

""His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'"- Matthew 25:23

Love and many blessings,
Amanda