A Letter to my One Year Old

Josiah,
Today is your First Birthday!!! I have no idea where the past year has gone. People say not to blink because time will just fly by, and they weren't kidding. It feels like just yesterday you were born, all 7 lb 15 oz of you. And now here we are, a full 365 days, 24.6 pounds later. You are walking, have a few words and animal sounds, throw balls, clap your hands, and love everyone!

As I sit and watch you play with your toys and watch your imagination run wild, I can't wait to see the man you will become.

You will be passionate about people. You love to smile and wave to everyone, and everyone love you back. I hope you never stop making people smile and laugh, whether you know them or not.

You're a mama's boy when you get hurt or need a good cuddle, but you LOVE playing with your Dada! Pushing him around the living room, chasing us around the house, petting the kitties, and reading stories are some of your favorite things to do!

You have been going to youth group with Mommy and Daddy for as long as I can remember, and have gone to Sunday morning worship since you were 4 days old, and you loved it all since day 1. Our Crossway family has been such a blessing for all of us! You especially love the music, especially when Mama sings and plays, or when Glorious Day is sung!

Watching you go from this sweet, fragile, tiny baby, to the crazy, energetic, loving, playful boy you are now has been such a gift from God. Years may go by, you won't rely on Mama and Dada as much as you do now, and we'll forget about the sleepless nights, the blow outs, and the noisiest toys ever known to man all going off at the same time. But we'll never forget the miracle that you are. We'll never forget how good God is for giving us you.

The first year was amazing, and I can't wait to see what is to come in the next year!

Xoxo
Mama

355 Days

How is it than in 10 days I will have a one year old?? It seems like time has flown these past 355 days. I know this blog has taken a back burner, and that's ok because if it means I'm getting to snuggle my not so little baby, experience new things as a family of 3, or am changing him into his 3rd outfit of the day because food is way more fun to smear into our clothes than our face, than I think I get a pass on not blogging!

Life has been crazy these past 355 days. I have nursed Josiah every day for 355 days. The beginning was rough, and he was drinking pumped milk for a week or so, and was supplementing with formula maybe a bottle a day for the first few weeks, but we've nursed every single day for 355 days. I am still in awe that my body has literally kept a child growing and feeding him for a year. Breast feeding has truly been one of the best things I've gotten to experience in life. I don't think I'll be a mom who breast feeds her kids till they're 10, but he's not ready to give up nursing yet. He nurse to sleep at night and during the night for comfort, and because he's a big boy and is hungry! As much as I would love him to sleep through the night and for us ALL to get a good nights sleep, I know he isn't ready yet, and that's okay! (However he CAN go more than 3 hours at a time without eating at night, so maybe that'll change soon too)

Through these past 355 days I've learned a lot about the type of mom that I am, and the type of mom I want to be. I want to be present. I want Josiah to know, even at an early age, that I will ALWAYS be there for him. If he wants me to play blocks or read books, I will. If he want me to go for a walk to the park with him, I will. If he is in a play at school and wants me there, I'm there. Josiah, Mommy will ALWAYS make the effort.

I catch myself playing games on my phone, or scrolling through Facebook, or working on our trip to Disney, while Josiah is playing on the floor with his toys, or reading a book, or watching Mickey Mouse. And I really need to be more aware of that. When we wonder why children are 2 years old and "have" to have their own tablet to function and wonder why? It's because that's what we're showing is our own priority. If we sit with a phone in our hands, our children will want to follow in those foot steps. If we have a book in our hands, they will want to have a book with them too. What we're making our priority will form what our children' priorities are. 


Sorry for lots of babbling, and not really a clear thought. Lots going through my brain!

Here's a quick update on the almost birthday boy!

Josiah is amazing! As I said above, he is still nursing like a champ, especially at night when he doesn't like to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. But we make it work, and I wouldn't trade it for anything (she says at 3 in the afternoon and not at 3 in the morning mind you). He eats solid foods as well. Just last night for dinner he had 3 silver dollar pancakes, 2 strawberries, and half a piece of bacon for dinner! And then nursed right afterwards too!

Josiah has some interesting words and noises. He doesn't like to show off for anyone, but he says "Mama" "Dada" "Kitty" "TeeTee" (for Tori), "No" "All done" and "ut oh". We also are working on animal noises and so he can meow, whoo like an owl, and make elephant noises. But he is a chatter box with his own noises that he doesn't stop doing unless he's eating.

He loves to play with his stacking cups, blocks, and of course, his big Mickey Mouse stuffed animal. His latest toy is his push popper that he doesn't push, rather he just carries it around the house! His favorite game to play is peek-a-boo, and "push dada around the living room floor" and "smack mama's bum while she's putting toys away".

OH DID I MENTION HE'S WALKING?
He learned around 11 months and just hasn't stopped. I'm pretty sure it's more classified as running now and not walking. He is always on the move!!!


That's enough for now. Maybe I'll have some idea's soon on things to blog about...like his first birthday and party, and our upcoming trip to DISNEY WORLD!!!

Xoxo
Amanda

After his Baby Dedication

Playing in the snow!

Fighting Fire

I've had a lot on my brain recently, and with being a new mom (PS how long can I use that excuse for?) I just haven't gotten to writing. I shared this idea with my sister and the gears in my head just finally started turning on it.


Many years ago, a friend of mine who is fighting ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig Disease) shared that we all are going through our own fires. For him, it was ALS. For others it might be cancer, depression, waiting for "Mr or Mrs Right". For me, it was infertility. But the point was, it didn't matter what our fire was, it was still fire. Sure, you look at cancer and see it as a forest fire, and might look at someone going through a divorce as only a kitchen stove top fire, but it's still fire none the less. And, to that point, the person going through a divorce feels as if their fire is as big as a forest fire.

The point being, we all have a fire. We all have or have had something that is so big we feel like it can't be overcome. There's been a moment, or there will be a moment where you are stuck in a fire.

And then you get out of it. 

The chemo treatment ends, you find love, you are cured, you get pregnant. You're through your fire! Yahoo!

But now what...

For me, I thought after all those years of hurting, the years of praying, the years of walking through my fire, I thought after all was said and done and I was pregnant/had a baby, it would be over. The smoke would clear, the fire would be put out, the firemen would drive away in their trucks and everything would be back to normal. I figured that pain would go away. And why shouldn't it? Your fire has been put out!

But it hasn't.

Even 10 months after having Josiah, my heart still hurts. I still feel at times that I'm walking through my fire, even though I'm out the other side. Why is that?? And then when I sat down and thought about it, it came to me. Just because my fire was put out, doesn't mean I didn't get burned.

Just because my fire was put out, doesn't mean I didn't get burned.

If you went through a physical fire, and were stuck in a building, chances are you would have burns, or trouble breathing from smoke inhalation. It could take a long time to recover from those things, and some people have lasting marks from burns on them forever. Although the scar may fade, and the breathing gets easier, they're still there. If you look closely enough, the scars are still there.

The woman in remission may be cancer free, but she still hurts and prays that it doesn't come back. She's burned from her fire,

The man who's divorce was finalized may be legally done, but he still hurts every time he drops his kids off and has to see his ex. He's burned from his fire.

The woman has her baby and is happier than ever, but she still feels that pit in her stomach for her friends who are still waiting, praying their miracles to come just as hers had. She's burned from her fire. 

Friends, I'm not perfect. Far far far from it. I have jealousy. I see people on facebook getting pregnant and I'm so happy for them, but then I wonder "How long did it take?" and my heart sinks thinking how long it took for my sweet boy to be with us, and how quick it took them. I'm overwhelmed with joy for them, but then I think of those who are still waiting and ask "why not them?"

My fire is out, but my wounds are not healed. 

This is all probably a little crazy, and I'm totally aware of that. I haven't gotten good sleep in a long time. But I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone. If you're struggling, you're not alone. If you're through your pain and trials, but still have that pit in your stomach, you're not alone. Reach out. 

I love you all!

Xo

Amanda

(PS Here's a picture of that sweet little dude)

Have We Forgotten The Point?

If you're reading this, you probably have some sort of access to Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, SnapChat, and the like). If you're like me, you have a variety of friends on these platforms; friends from high school and college, previous coworkers, your church community, and of course your friends and family. You also are probably part of a few "Groups" or "Community Forums". Or check some sort of forums based on your interests. The one thing that all these people have in common is this: the Holiday Season.

Personal posts of the "30 Things I'm Thankful For this November", The "Elf on the Shelf Mischievousness"; pictures of your loved ones, children with Santa, Christmas Tree's, house decorations, Starbucks cups with holiday drinks, and holiday meals. These are all things we're seeing as we scroll through our various newsfeeds. And I love every single moment of it.

Until I get to THE post.

We all know the one I'm talking about.

"Looking for toy X for little Billy and they're all sold out everywhere how will he ever live without it??"

"Just paid 18 million times the regular price for this super cool toy that is all the rage for Susie."

"I can't wait to see my kids face when they see the whole room exploding with presents on Christmas Morning."

Have we forgotten the point?

I get it, we love to spoil our children! I almost always walk out of Target with SOMETHING for Josiah, whether it be a new outfit from the clearance rack, a new bath toy, or a new flavor of puffs. But when did this time of year, when we were just spending so much time talking about how thankful we were for all we have in our lives, turn into "I HAVE to get my child everything on their Christmas list and then some, and if they don't have THE toy, they're going to hate me forever."?

I see parents spending hundreds of dollars on toys and trinkets and the "must have" items, only to see posts in a few months of how big of a disaster their child's bedroom/playroom/living room is with all these toys. And buried somewhere underneath all the Lego's, stuffed animals, Barbie's, blocks, and train tracks is that toy. The one they HAD to have. The one you spent a month worrying over getting for them. The one you traveled out of your way and spent way too much money on. There it is. Probably stepped on, broken, and never to be played with again.

Don't get me wrong. Josiah will have a few presents under the tree with a block sorter, musical instruments, and balls for the ball pit we got used at a consignment shop weekend. And yes I know he's young and he doesn't know about the cool toys, or that all his friends are asking for XYZ and so he has to have it too. But it's not because we don't love him that he won't get a lot of gifts.

Our focus as a family isn't the gifts. It isn't how much money we spend on each other or our friends and family. It's about the gifts we are given every single day from Jesus. He has given us so much in our lives and provided so much to us, that we celebrate Him on his birthday. We give to each other as God has given to us his gift of eternal life with him.

One thing we have done for years, and I'm so excited to have Josiah be part of this tradition now, is we give back. Mike and I have been working with the Youth Group at our church for a few years, but this year we've really gotten to connect with some of the kids and pour into their lives. We also give back in the physical sense of we take ornaments off our church's tree and buy gifts for children who may not have otherwise gotten a gift, so they know they are loved and cherished. Josiah came with us this year as we picked out gifts for children and even though he's only 8 months, I hope he is seeing the love we're pouring into others less fortunate than ourselves.

So, have we forgotten the point?

I don't want to be super corny and say "Jesus is the reason for the Season.", because although that is true for our family and our religion, it isn't the case for everyone who celebrates Christmas. Even if you aren't a follower of Jesus, that doesn't mean you can't do good things for those around you. Buy a friend a cup of coffee. Bring your neighbors some cookies. Donate to a local charity. Even if you can't do any of these things for whatever reason, you can still be kind. Smile! Genuinely ask the person ringing up your groceries how they are doing. Say Thank You!!!

So what's MY point?

Be an awesome human, because we all are human at the end of the day. And remember why we celebrate and gift give this season. Don't expect anything, but Jesus gave everything!

Xo
Amanda

Updating the Blog I've Forgotten Since Having JP

As I sit in my office on this freezing (literally) November day, I was asked by my boss "Do you still write that blog of yours?" And then it dawned on me: nope. I hadn't.

So what better time than the present to give a life update.

Life. Is. Crazy.

So Josiah is about 7 1/2 months old now and is definitely keeping us on our toes. He is in the process of getting over Croup and a cold at the same time, as well as his top 2 teeth are coming down. But besides being miserable from being sick, he is growing and becoming such an independent little boy. He rolls all over the place to get to toys or whatever he's looking for. He also can sit up on his own for long periods of time. Only problem is he hasn't figured out how to get to a sitting position on his own yet, so he gets a little frustrated with that. 

He also is getting up on his hands and knees and rocking, as well as doing planks and downward dog positions. He is SO close to learning how to crawl forwards, rather than the backwards crawl that he does now!

When it comes to eating, he's quite the funny one. He loves to eat Mama and Dada's food whenever possible! Sure, his puree's and puffs are great, but have you seen Mommy's steak and potatoes? Or Daddy's pizza? Way better than mushy squash. So typically he gets a little bit of our food at night too, which is fine with all involved! With the 4 teeth he has now, he has no problem with little pieces of food. He even picks up pieces on his own now!

JP talks non stop it seems. Most of it we can't understand, but when he said DaDa for the first time a few weeks back, we definitely heard that loud and clear! He also has a distinctive sound for Kitty and LOVES when they come play with him! They're getting a little more adventurous and coming closer to him as he gets older, and let him pet them!

Sleep is non existent at this point with his cold, but we started crib training him right before he got sick, so it's been a rough ride. He finally sleeps in his crib as opposed to in our bed all night, and typically does the first half of the night in his crib. Which for me is AMAZING because I get a few hours of sleep not worrying about where in the bed JP is. 

So How are Mom and Dad

We're tired. Always tired. But we're making it through! We are looking forward to the Christmas season and seeing the excitement of everything through Josiah's eyes. We may or may not have put up our tree yesterday, and Josiah wouldn't stop staring the entire time! He helped put a few ornaments on the tree and loved every minute of it. And of course Mama is excited that the tree and lights are up and the house just feels happier! 

As we approach the holiday season, I'm so thankful for the gift we have in Josiah. He has been such a blessing (except with sleep hahaha) and I can't believe we've had him for 7 months. The joy he gives to everyone who meets him is amazing. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm hoping to keep up better with this blog, and hoping to have better things to say than just an update on how life is. 

Love you all!

Amanda and JP

 

Exhausted

I don't know about you, but life is all of a sudden really exhausting.

Now yes, a lot of this is from not sleeping at night thanks to a certain adorable nearly 6 month old nugget. But it's so much more than that.

I feel stuck. I'm stuck between figuring out how to be a mom and how to remain Amanda. I'm trying to figure out how to be the woman Mike married 3 years ago, but still tend to the needs of a baby.I'm trying to figure out how to still be a good friend to the people I love while also having time to just be me.

Right now, life just feels like it's on autopilot. I wake up, bring JP to daycare, go to work, pick JP up from daycare, go home, eat, go to bed. And repeat.

Now sure, he doesn't go to daycare everyday, so that changes things up, and on the weekends I don't work, but I just feel like every day I'm waking up and just looking forward to going back to bed. I don't mean that to be depressing, but I'm just so tired. It's not even noon and I'm just ready to crawl into bed and sleep.

Becoming a mom is hard, and not just in the "holy crud I have to take care of a tiny human" way. It completely changes everything you've known about your life.

For example:
Last night I had an event at the church, which I figured I shouldn't bring JP to, but then was told by the person running it that of course I could bring him. A year ago, or two years ago, I wouldn't have thought twice about going to this event. It would have been marked on my calendar for months and I would have been looking forward to it every day. Now? Now I not only was worrying "ok can my mom watch him since Mike works late? Is he going to need a bottle while I'm out? How many diapers should I pack him? Should I bring my pump with me just in case?" And that's after I've taken days to weigh out the pro's and con's of going to an event at night that I wasn't exactly sure when I'd be home.

So after some encouragement, I went, with JP in tow. Did I have a great time? Absolutely. Was my spiritual cup empty when I got there? Double absolutely. But those few hours, even though I did have Josiah and had to worry about nursing him and changing him and all that sort of stuff, was exactly what my exhausted life needed. Yes I woke up this morning tired as can be, but I woke up with joy in my heart and with a spiritually full cup.


As I was talking with a friend this morning, I was reminded that just because I don't see them often, or even if our friendship has gone from one of seeing them almost daily to sending snapchats every few days and commenting on FB, that doesn't make our friendship any less. I know, as we are both moms, that it's hard to get together, although you might think it wouldn't since we both have little humans and we just "get it". But some days, I really just want to stay in my baggy sweats and leave JP in his onesie and not have to leave the house. And I know she feels the same. Would I show up to her house in my sweats and no make up and hair pulled back from not showering for days? Absolutely. But the motivation can be hard sometimes.

It's not that I don't love my friends. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you. It's not that I don't want to know about your life and all the hills and valley's you're going through. Because I want to be there for you. I want to rejoice in your victories, and pray for your sorrows. But I'm just not use to this new life of being a mom and juggling everything, and I just can't give the 110% I want to give.

I've always struggled with needing to be everything for everyone, but after having Josiah, I've learned that I can't be everything for everyone. I can't be a perfect friend, coworker, mom, wife, daughter, and the list goes on. I just can't do it. And I hate that I can't because I WANT to.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who get it. Who understand that I want to be there. I want to come hang out, go out for dinner, spend time with you. I completely get it now when I would see my friends disappear after they had a child. Not because they wanted to, but because they HAD to. They needed time to figure out how to balance their lives out.

So now I'm thankful for the people who understand I'm trying to figure out this new chapter of my life. To my amazing husband, who has been working so hard for our family and has been so understanding when I'm just not me. My family who has swept in and helped love and care for JP. And of course my friends, who even though it might be a simple message on FB checking in, have made my day and brought smiles to my face.


We've all got a lot of stuff. A lot of baggage. And sometimes we just need a season in our life to just breathe, and catch up from the exhaustion.

XO
Amanda

Parenting Choices

Who knew that at just 4 months old, I have had to make a TON of decisions that are super controversial in the society we live in. I know many moms have similar views as I do, and I know many moms who don't, and that's totally okay. But here's what we're doing, how we're doing it, why, and some details of our amazing boy!

Since we had his 4 month appointment today, he got his second round of vaccines. I know, I know, starting in hot right out of the gate. For my husband and I, it's a no brainer to get him vaccinated. We both were as children, and are all the better for it. If we knew that he had reactions to the vaccinations, or they would do more harm than good to him, we wouldn't. But since he has no allergies that we know of yet, I'd rather protect my son with vaccines than run the risk of him getting a horrible illness.

And let me just put this out there so that y'all remember this- Vaccines do NOT cause Autism.

Alright, we've got that out of the way too. (And also, if it did cause Autism, would you rather your child die from one of these horrible disease's or LIVE?)

Any ways...


We also starting about a month and a half ago sending him to daycare 3 days a week. As amazing as being a stay at home mom would have been, and how much I respect SAHM's since it was a LOT for me to stay home for 3 months let alone YEARS, I needed to get back to work. Not just for the money, because money isn't everything, but I needed to get out of the house. I love my job and my boss is amazing, so I wouldn't have traded it for any other job in the world. I still feel super guilty leaving Josiah 3 days a week at the daycare, but the only saving grace is that my mom is with him at the daycare, so I know he's in loving and good hands. (And it's only 3 days for about 6 hours a day so it's the best of all worlds).

Since I'm back to work, Josiah is bottle fed at daycare and on Monday's when he's with Mike. We are still nursing when I'm home at night and on the weekends, and I pump during the week at work. I am SO proud of both Josiah and myself for nursing for 4 months. We had a hard first few weeks with supplementing formula, but my body has found it's rhythm with Josiah, and we're doing awesome (especially since he's 17.4 pounds now!)

Our life has been crazy with trips to NY to finish cleaning out my grandfather's house since he moved in April, having family and friend's stay at our house for weekends to visit and see Josiah, going away parties, birthday parties, game nights, and just typical every day craziness, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Josiah is thriving! As I said, 17.4 pounds, 26 inches, and just a ball of energy and love. He doesn't like to be laying down still unless he's sleeping. Loves to laugh at Mike and I, and is always keeping us on our toes. I'm still up with him at least 2 times during the night, but that's okay because he's a baby! And I secretly love the middle of the night nursing cuddles that we get. Although I do miss getting more than 3-5 hours of sleep straight a night.

I really don't have much else to say. Blogging has been on the back burner, and I know I probably only have like 2 people that enjoy reading them, but when I have the time, something semi important, or just have the energy, here we are!

Lots of love from us!
Amanda and JP

Back to Blogging

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

I've obviously been a little distracted to update the blog and keep things interesting, but here I am, I'm BACK. I'm back to work, Josiah starts daycare  next week, so I'm hoping to get more into a routine than I've been in for the past 3 months.

Yup, 3 months ago today I had Josiah. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?

REPEAT: WHERE. HAS. THE. TIME. GONE?

 

*Quick Josiah Update*

So Josiah is 3 months old, 15.6 pounds, and aprox 25 inches (I think he might be a bit shorter than that but it's not so easy to measure a squirmy baby!). He holds his head up on his own, loves to smile and coo and talk (mostly to Daddy, and mostly in the morning). When he does tummy time, he does the super man (head and arms and legs lift up and he supports himself from his chest), and he LOOOOOVES anything Mickey (especially his lovey blanket).


Anyways....

I'm hoping that the blog doesn't get completely consumed by Josiah, but this is my blog, so really it can be consumed with whatever I want it to be! Although I may now be a mom, I am still me. Just an updated version. I still am a wife to an amazing husband. I still work at my amazing job. I still sing at church (finally back!). I just now do all of this AND have a baby in tow!

Yes it's been a bit stressful having JP in the office with me off and on. I don't feel quite as productive as I once did, but I still get the job done, just while tiptoeing around a sleeping baby, or while feeding him.

Yes I don't sing at church as much as I use to (it was like every other week for a while there), but we're getting back into a routine. I'm on once a month on Sunday's and a few Thursday nights (like tonight) so we can still spend time as a family after church most week's rather than me be tired from a long morning.

And yes, Mike and I still go out! Even just the two of us sometimes! For our anniversary we went to Dave&Busters (and for those of you who don't know it's an arcade with alcohol lol) by ourselves and had an awesome time! We've gone grocery shopping/regular mall shopping without him. But to be completely honest, it's really weird going out just the two of us. We always are checking the back of the car thinking "where's Josiah??" or we'll go to grab the stroller out of the car before entering the mall and realize "oh that's right we don't have him for a few hours".

Watching Mike become a father has been amazing. He is so good with Josiah; so loving, supportive, and does diapers! He understand that after a day at work, or a day at home, with Josiah, when he get's home I need a little break. I know that he's been working all day so I don't take too too long, but it's nice that they get that bonding time, and mama get's to pee without worrying if he's going to wake up screaming, the cats are going to jump on him, etc.

Becoming a mother has been the most natural thing to me. I am not the perfect mother, and I have a lot of moments that I need support. Mike has put JP to bed the past few nights because I just was exhausted and drained and didn't have the patience. But being Josiah's mother just feels like what I was always meant to do. All the waiting was for this exact moment. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in parenthood than Mike, and we couldn't have imagined having a more perfect child than Josiah.


So I'll leave this post here. I'm hoping to make posting a weekly thing, and hoping to have some sort of outline of things all over the board to post about (Motherhood, world events, my walk with God currently, Josiah, do's and don't, and really anything you guys want!). If you have anything you want to know about me, my opinion on, or anything you might want to see on the blog, feel free to drop a comment! I love hearing inputs!

Now excuse me as I go take my 3 month old's picture and cry that he use to be so small.

X's and O's
Amanda

What JP's Taught Me (In Pregnancy)

It has been a WHILE since I've blogged. I wonder why? Probably this cutie that I've spent the past 9 weeks at home loving up!

 

A few weeks before Josiah was born, I started writing this blog post entitled "What JP's Taught Me". I would fill in this drafted blog post every once in a while about things that were changing in me and around me and how my son had a hand in all of it. Reading back on it now, 10 weeks post partum, I can't believe all the things I went through over the course of EXACTLY 40 weeks, and all of the things JP has taught me in the 10 weeks he's been Earth side. That blog post will come at another time, but for now, here's What JP Taught Me in my pregnancy.

 

What JP Taught Me

March 8th, 2017

2 Weeks Prior to Josiah being born.

I know he's going to be a world changer. Want to know how I know? Because he's already changed mine. He's taught me so many things in these past 38 weeks.

He taught me week 1 that things aren't always going to go as planned, as seen back in June when we started our first cycle with the IVFNE doctors and had so many complications getting the medicines ready and here on time.

He taught me in week 4 that miracles happen every day, whether they're as small as the elevator being on the right floor when you press the button, or as big as seeing those two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

He taught me in week 6 that God is ALWAYS in control, and to trust him, even when you think your entire world is crashing down (when we thought we were having a miscarriage and went to the hospital).

Week 7 he taught me that people can be amazing. In a world with such negativity, when we announced that we finally had gotten pregnant, everyone forgot who was a Christian and who was an Atheist, they forgot who was married, single, straight, gay, black, white, republican, democrat, rich, and poor. And even if it was for a moment, so many people forgot those things and joined together in congratulating us on our pregnancy.

Week 14 he taught me that everything is just a season. The bad times don't last forever, and that there is always something to look forward to. For me, it was the ability to actually eat food and not feel sick 24/7. And that was one of the best lessons for me so far because man I missed eating real food and not just a bowl of cereal and a few crackers!!!

Week 19. Week 19 was the week we found out that he was a he. And that week my little miracle taught me I'd be a boy mom. And I NEVER thought I'd be a boy mom. My best friend and I always joked that she was "called" to be a boy mom and I was "called" to be a girl mom. Well, guess who's due with girl #2 a month after nugget comes?? We were just so excited that everything was going well with the pregnancy that it didn't matter what baby was, but as soon as I saw that it was a boy, my heart completely changed. I had NO idea what being a boy mom meant. I still have no idea. But I'm so excited to see where this adventure takes us!!!

Week 28 munchkin showed me that my life is no longer my own. Up until about this point, I had had nausea, and felt kicks, but that was about it. Around the beginning of the 3rd trimester, I started to feel the pressure (literally and figuratively) of carrying another life inside of me. The weight continued to pile on, the bump got bigger, and the days got more uncomfortable. I think the physical comfortableness of the 3rd trimester is the truest form of love because man, to endure this last trimester (and birth) takes a special person. Unconditional love. Lots and lots of unconditional love.

And here at 38 weeks pregnant, he's teaching me to be prepared for anything and everything. He could literally come at any point now. We're all just waiting on him. I don't sleep (so don't even tell me to sleep now while I can), I pee all the time, he pushes in weird ways out of my stomach and low in my pelvic area. Every little twinge is me saying "is that him coming? Is my water about to break? Was that a real contraction?" The symptom spotting at the end of pregnancy is just as bad as symptom spotting the week before your period is due trying to figure out if you're pregnant. But I know he'll come when he's ready.

The patience I've learned through out this whole pregnancy is amazing. I never found myself to be a patient person, even though everyone around me would say I am. When it comes to work situations, volunteering situations, and things having to do with other people, I am extremely patient. But when it comes to myself and things being done when I think they should be (like, getting pregnant on our honeymoon, or this baby coming today vs in 2 weeks on his due date) I'm so impatient, and that's something I'm working on. JP has certainly helped with that, because I know he will come at the perfect time, just like getting pregnant happened at the perfect time, whether I saw it that way or not.

Mom Bod

We've all heard the phrase "Dad Bod". If you haven't, Urban Dictionary defines the Dad Bod as "A guy who has kids and was once in shape and still has guns that can crush beer cans but also with a belly that says I drank those beers and I can eat 6 slices of pizza in one seating."There are a few other hilarious definitions you can find here if you want to read them. The gist of it being that the guy has a beer belly.

But today I want to talk about the "Mom Bod". Urban Dictionary defines the Mom Bod as "A woman who looks like they just had a kid. They have the attributes of saggy boobs, flat butt, hair in a bun at all times and a resting b**** face. Lastly they have at least one kid." Wow. Rude sauce. I have a LOT to say about the pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, and postpartum "Mom Bod" that goes WAY beyond what this definition says, but I just had to put it out there. First of all, my boobs are anything but saggy 2 weeks postpartum and breastfeeding. My butt will NEVER be flat. But yup, you can bet your butt that my hair is in a bun at all times, although that is no different than Amanda the past 10 years.

Pre-Pregnancy Bod

I would hardly say that before I got pregnant that my body was perfect. Muscles could have been more toned. I could have been working out and had not only a flat stomach, but abs. Over all though, I had a great body by the text book standards. I've always been the "skinny friend". Friends as far back as I can remember always would say "I hate you you're so skinny and perfect looking." And while yes, I was super skinny, I hated that it defined me. I hated (and still hate) the stigma behind skinny girls, that "Guys only like thick girls, and that only dogs like bones". I didn't choose to be skinny. I wasn't starving myself. I wasn't working out excessively to maintain my skinny body. I just was skinny. And it was totally okay by me. I loved my body. I loved myself, and isn't that all that maters? We preach that all women are beautiful, but then glare at the "skinny girl" and make assumptions about her.

Pregnancy Bod

When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon. It was all I had been dreaming of for my entire life, but even more so for the 2 1/2 years before we got pregnant. So when I finally DID get pregnant, I was so excited and was ready to embrace everything that came with it, especially the bump. Each week I'd get a little bigger than the last, and I couldn't wait for the "oh you're so cute when are you due" comments. And each week would go by, and I wouldn't get those strangers saying odd things or wanting to rub my belly (apparently this actually happens). I was WELL into my third trimester before I was at Cumberland Farms getting a slushy (or frozen drink whatever) and the woman in front of us in line said "Oh did the baby want that??" And I got the most giant smile on my face and proudly said "Yes, yes the baby did!" And I rubbed my belly and basically skipped my way through the rest of the day. Mike probably thought I was weird for being so excited, but I had waited YEARS for this.

As I got closer to my due date, I would look back at pictures of my belly from the beginning of my pregnancy and smile knowing that my body was making this human. My body may have started off small and only looked like I had eaten too many taco's, but it was growing Josiah from those first few weeks of morning sickness, all the way though to being so large (for me at least) that I couldn't do anything comfortably anymore. As excited as I was for my giant belly and being very noticeably pregnant, I was excited to be in the postpartum life, because even if I hurt in new places, at least I could get in and out of bed without looking like a turtle who had fallen over the wrong way.

I weighed myself the day before Josiah was born and I was the biggest I had been my entire pregnancy, heck the biggest I've ever been ever. I was 149.6 lbs. I was so proud of my body for all it had done. I had gained 32 pounds from the lowest point of my pregnancy (117) and 24 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight (125). Even weighing just under 150 pounds, people would be envious of my weight saying they wished that they could only be 150. And then there's me. I was just so excited to be at 150 pounds and to have grown this little nugget that it didn't matter to me after pregnancy how much I weighed or how I looked. I just wanted this little man with us and happy and healthy.

 

 

Postpartum Bod

Everyone (ok, not everyone, but a lot of people) kept saying "Oh you're going to bounce back right after you have the baby. You're going to lose all the weight when he's born. You're all baby." Now, if you told me this, don't feel bad. I've said these things too. But I took these things with a grain of salt. First of all, I didn't want to put pressure on myself to lose the weight. I wanted/want to focus my time and energy on my son, not on what a number on a scale says, or what I look like in the mirror. Josiah doesn't care if I have flat abs or if the scale says 125 lbs. He doesn't care if I have stretchmarks or not. He cares who is holding him, who is loving up on him, who's feeding him, and who is physically there. I'm happy to say I have focused only on those things. I haven't put any pressure on myself, and I have spent the past two weeks just loving on my son, and being the best mom I can be.

I was curious to see how I was doing losing weight, because as each day went by, I noticed my stomach going away. I went from having this beautiful almost 8 pound baby inside of me to carrying him around with me everywhere and pretty much my stomach disappeared before my eyes. The day we came home from the hospital, I stepped on the scale. I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting or hoping to see, but the number 134.6 flashed on the screen. Two days after having my son and I was down 15 pounds. I certainly didn't look like I was 9 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight, but that drop proved that everyone was right, that I was all baby.

I am proud of all the things my body has done. It took a lot longer than we thought it would take, and wasn't how we expected to become pregnant, but I'm proud that I carried my son for 9 months. As of today, two weeks postpartum, I am at 122.8 lb. I never thought my body would actually bounce back this quickly. I certainly don't look the same as I did 9 months ago when I was 2 weeks pregnant, but I love my body in all the stages it's been in over the course of my life. I wouldn't trade my body for anything else. My son grew inside of this body. So yes, I have a few stretch marks, and my stomach isn't as flat as it was 9 months ago, but I would say that my body looks pretty good for 2 weeks postpartum and not being able to work out. All I do is nurse, change diapers, go to the grocery store, and eat lactation cookies.

So yes, I just birthed that child I'm pushing in the stroller. Yes, he's adorable. Yes, he's tiny (even though I think he's huge). Yes, he's perfect.

Be proud of your bodies mama's. Whether you lose all the baby weight in the first week, or never shed those last few pounds or inches. You grew your miracle(s) in that body. Does anything else really matter? Will they care if you're a size 2 in your prepregnancy jeans or still wearing your maternity jeans? Nope. And I'll tell ya what, my son prefers my prepregnancy jeans because it means Mommy is happier! And when Mommy is happy, Josiah is happy.

XOXO
Amanda and JP

Josiah's Birth Story

HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE HE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!

I am in absolute awe. I'm a mom. Where did the past 40 weeks go? It literally feels like yesterday that I was starting my medicine for the IUI that brought this miracle to us. There will be a blog post more on all those feelings coming soon, but I know a lot of people have been asking about our birth story and how everything went, so here it is!

*Disclaimer, there may be some not so pretty details in this blog post.*

Sunday 3/19/2017

So on Saturday night into Sunday I was up for a good solid 24 hours having what I thought were contractions. I was timing them and found them to be about 7-10 minutes apart. I called the midwives in the afternoon to see what they wanted me to do, and since they had gotten closer to 5 minutes apart, they told me to come in to labor and delivery and they'd check to see what was going on (setting me up on the NST system to see contractions and his heart beat). After about 30 minutes they said that he looked great, and that they could see where I was having "uterine pains" but that they weren't actual contractions. They also checked for dilation and such and I was very high and closed so I was sent home. They did tell me that because they checked me, that it could get things going (wishful thinking) so to just be on the look out.

 Monday 3/20/2017

Monday I stayed home from work after not having slept all night into Sunday and just needing to sleep. I was uncomfortable, massive, and just ready to have this baby. In the tub that night I lost my mucus plug so I got EXTREMELY excited. I waited to see if I'd have any contractions, but nothing.

 Wednesday 3/22/2017

When I got home from work on Tuesday afternoon I was extremely tired and very sore. My back was hurting a little bit, but when wasn't my body hurting at this point? By midnight, I couldn't get comfortable in bed because my back just hurt SO BAD. I tried going on the couch, laying in every position possible, and figured, hmm, maybe I should pay attention to this. Maybe, just maybe, this is labor! I pull out my phone and bring up my contraction app. After 20 minutes, I realized that this might be real labor. I had contractions every 3-4 minutes. I go into the bedroom around 4:15 AM and wake Mike up going "Hey babe? I think this might be it." I hopped in the shower to see if that would help with some of the pain, but it only kept getting worse. I called the hospital and they said to definitely come in.

5:50 AM

We got ourselves checked into the hospital and got set up on the same system I was on Sunday. I was really just waiting for them to tell me that it was false labor again and send me home. One of the Dr's on call comes in and looks at my charts and says "You're definitely in labor let's check your cervix." When he checked I was at 3-4 cm dilated. It was official. I was in labor. 

They got all my papers in order and ready to go. By the time that all the paper work was taken care of, the nurses were switching shifts. The nurse that came in and was with me for the next 12 hours was absolutely amazing, and I couldn't have been happier to have her by my side.

I decided that since I was in a little pain, I'd take a second shower to get some heat on my body and distract me from pain in my back and it worked wonders. I wasn't sure at this point if I would have my Midwife there for the day or if it would be a doctor. About half way through my shower I hear the door open and the most angelic voice say "Amanda it's Sharon how are you doing?" My midwife was there. I was SO excited.  I also laughed after that she just walked right into the bathroom while I was showering (I mean, she'd be seeing a LOT more of me by the end of the day, so I guess it wasn't that big of a deal).

10:30 AM

By about 10:30 I was starting to get very uncomfortable. I was trying to prolong getting any medicine or the epidural. I wanted to do my labor and delivery naturally if I could. I didn't go in saying "no I don't want an epidural at all", but if I could do it, it'd be awesome. So at 10:30 when they checked and I was at a 6cm dilation, I decided to move my labor from my hospital room to the hypno-birthing room. I spent about 45 minutes in the giant bath tub laboring there. It didn't give me much relief from the pain per say, but being able to take a bath and relax a bit with the low lighting and my worship music playing on my phone.

12:30 PM

Around 12:30 I was starting to be in a bit more pain. The nurse showed Mike how to do counter pressure on my back to help with the contractions, and I got on a birthing ball to try and open my hips a bit. Pretty frequently (I couldn't even tell you how much, maybe ever 2 minutes?) I would call Mike over to do the pressure. He'd sit down just in time for me to call him back over. It helped so much to have that pressure on my back, but I needed more. I asked them to bring in the nitrous oxide gas to use. I was even hesitant to use this, but I needed to try something else. I was going from hurting a little bit in my back to my whole lower area from belly button to lady parts and all the way around were hurting. For me, the nitrous oxide was helpful for a little while, but I wasn't the biggest fan of it. It basically made me feel extremely drunk for about 30 seconds to a minute. That didn't really help with the pain per say, but it was a nice distraction!

2:00 PM

Around 2 PM I was hurting. It wasn't the worst pain I've ever felt, but I knew my body was getting there. I called the nurse in and asked her to get the Midwife to check my cervix again. I knew if I was ready to push I would just push through it (literally!) and not get the epidural, but if I wasn't progressing that I was going to need it before things got REALLY bad. When she checked, she said I was about 7cm pushing towards 8cm. I knew that things either could go very quickly to 10cm, or could take a long time, so I got the epidural. Again, this was when my nurse was just amazing. Her and the midwife coached me so well through getting the epidural. Apparently my posture was too good and it took a bit longer to get me into the right position, but once it was done, I felt a million times better. I am SO glad that I got the epidural when I did because things were about to get fun.

3:30 PM

The epidural was making me only feel a little bit of pressure every 2-4 contractions (only know I had contractions because of the monitor). I noticed those few times I felt pressure though that it was completely different than anything I'd felt so far. I call the midwife in again and said "I know you just checked me, but can you check me again? I feel a lot of pressure right now." When she went to check me I felt the weirdest feeling ever. I was about 99% certain I had just pooped all over my midwife who was right in that same spot checking my cervix. I looked at her and I said "I am so so sorry! I just pooped on you didn't I..." and she giggled and said "No, when I went to check your cervix I accidentally broke your water! No poop, just your water. And you're at 10 cm dilated and +3 station." I asked her what we did now and she said "Since you're still not feeling the pressure to push I'd just wait until the pressure gets to a 9/10 for you then we'll check and push if he's ready to go!"

4:10 PM

**Disclaimer this is where things might be less that glamorous** 
Have I mentioned how glad I was that I got the epidural? At 4:10 I had the midwife come in. I was ready to push. She looked at Mike and said "Want to hold her leg?" We hadn't ever discussed him holding my leg or anything like that. I just assumed that he would stand next to me and hold my hand or pat my head with a wash cloth. NOPE. He was right there in the action ready to go! So they showed me how to do it, he turned on my Labor Playlist on spotify (shuffled playing not in any particular order. Remember that.) and we started pushing. When we started I asked how low he was and the midwife said "Oh honey I can already see his head from where you're laying." Of course when I think you can see the head, I think the Hollywood style birth and that the head was about to come out. That isn't the case! He had to get around my pelvic bone first. So we pushed, and pushed, and pushed. Throughout my pushing time, I would ask Mike after pushing how he was doing. Not sure why I felt the need to ask him how HE was doing, but apparently it was important to me. He watched EVERYTHING going on so he was able to give me the dummy version of what the midwife was saying about my progression.

Maybe around 5:15-5:20 I had my first contraction where they told me NOT to push. I'm just going to say it right now, not pushing during those contractions were one of the worst parts of the entire labor. Pushing gave me something to focus on and a slight relief from the pressure of the contractions and him coming. So not being able to push was absolutely miserable! But his heart rate was going down a bit from all the pushing which was why they had me take a few breaks.

I could see a look on my midwife's face that something wasn't going the way she wanted. Nothing was wrong per say, but something wasn't right. She told me she might have to do an episiotomy to get him out safer. We did a few more contractions with pushing to see if he would come, but she knew he needed to be out soon and it would help to have the episiotomy. Poor Sharon felt SO bad having to do it but I told her anything to help get him out. So I had the episiotomy done. And it tingled a bit, but it wasn't horrible. This was maybe 3-5 contractions before he came, so it obviously was what needed to happen. I kept going and finally we got to the last push. She had to cut again during my last contraction to help him get out, but in the end it was worth it.

5:49 PM

Josiah Peter made his way into the world at 5:49 PM. The 2 1/2 years of infertility, the 9 months with morning sickness, back pain, sciatic nerve pain, constant peeing, no sleep, was worth it. He was here. When he came out, the song Good, Good, Father was playing. I will never forget that song playing as I pushed him into this world. God is Good, and is perfect in all of his ways! But the other reason I won't forget that song playing was that when he came out, Josiah made instant eye contact with Mike. And that was when Mike, the man who said he wouldn't cry when our son was born, cried. He was put on my chest quickly and he cried a little bit, but then was just absolutely perfect. Mike cut the cord, and then possibly the most painful thing I've ever been through happened.

The Placenta.

We think it may have been so painful because of the hemorrhage I had at 5 weeks pregnant. When Sharon went to deliver the placenta, it wasn't coming out the right way or something, because the next thing I know, the nurse is pushing on my uterus from the outside (ya know, right after having a baby), and Sharon is basically elbow deep having to physically take my placenta out. It was absolutely the worst part of the entire labor/birth. But once it was done it was such a relief. I had said since day one the only thing I cared about in giving birth was that he was here, and that I didn't see the placenta (which I didn't). And the midwife said "if you didn't want to see a placenta before, you don't want to see this one." She then spent a good chunk of time sewing me back up from the episiotomy (which was just awkward feeling) and they took Josiah to be weighted and measured. 7 lb. 15 oz, 21 1/4 inches long, and a 13 inch head. Sharon said they didn't think he would be that big from the ultrasound I had at 37 weeks. I have NO idea how I carried a nearly 8 lb. baby but yet here he is, big, and just absolutely perfect.


So there you have it. The long anticipated birth story of our miracle son. We have had the best first few days with him, and can't wait to see the person he becomes.

Xoxoxo

Amanda, Mike, and Josiah