None of Us Know What We're Doing

Parenting a strong willed toddler is hard. 

Scratch that.

Parenting is hard.

I have taught toddlers in the past. I had my own classroom of 10 3 year olds (and trust me they were some of the most strong willed independent head strong kids I've ever me). I've baby sat all ages (including the age JP is at now). But I've never felt as defeated as I do now. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything. He is an amazing child who is turning into an incredible little human. 

But that's the problem.

Josiah loves to try and do everything on his own. The latest is pulling his shorts up after a diaper (and it's the sweetest thing to watch him do!). He loves to run, climb, explore, and just be all in 100% of the time in everything he does.

But that's the problem.

Because he's such an exploratory child, an independent child, an all in child, he has a hard time with transitions and doing something he might not necessarily want to do. I know a lot of it is his age and development, but it's so hard when you see other kids his age behaving, transitioning well, and behaving "the way they should".

Bed time and sleeping through the night has always been an issue for us. It still continues to be a struggle for us. And we're working on options to help not only him but us transition to better nights of sleep. But it's hard friends. It's hard to watch your son have some form of night terrors and screaming in his room. It's hard when all he wants is you for comfort but you're just exhausted and to be completely honest don't want to give him all 100% of you at 2 am. 

It's hard watching your son cry at drop off for the first time in a very long time. It's hard to see him reaching out to his Mama when you have to go to work. This morning he was extra clingy at 630 in the morning, and I just needed a break. We'd been up more times than normal at night and I just was done. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. So I had Mike take him. So he didn't get that special morning time we normally have cuddled in bed watching a movie or nursing. So of course my mind thinks of all of this as he's screaming from his teacher's arms and thinking "Why didn't I just give him those extra cuddles this morning?"

I sat in my car for a few minutes trying to get myself together this morning before driving to work. JP and his friends were on a buggy ride while I was still sitting there, and the look he gave me from his seat to the car broke me. It ripped me apart. He wasn't crying, but still had tears in his eyes and looked at me like "just come cuddle me a few minutes longer and tell me it's okay." And that's when I lost it. I cried all the way to work. I'm crying writing this. I felt like such a bad mom at that moment. I felt as though I'd failed my son as a mom. 

None of us know what we're doing. Anyone who says they've got this thing called life figured out is a liar. Because just when you think you've figured it out, life throws you a curve ball. You get busy. You have a strong willed kid. You lose your job. Someone dies. Things don't happen the way we see them on social media.

  None of us have it together. And that's okay! And I hope that by reading this and seeing that I'm struggling will help someone else realize they aren't alone. Each of us is going through something on any given day. Even when the social media posts are about how cute and adorable our kids are, we're going insane trying to get them to eat more than apple sauce and freeze pops. 

Keep on keeping on fellow parents. We've got this. We're raising such strong willed kids now to be the next strong willed passionate generation. 

xoxo

Amanda