When Everyone Have What You Want

I'm sure I'm not the only one. You wake up in the morning, open up Facebook, and right there at the top is the thing you want most. Only it's not for you. It's for your friend, relative, the random girl from high school that thought she'd go and friend everyone she use to know back in the day.

I've been there so many times through out my life. After breaking up with an X in high school and then seeing the girl he asked to prom, and being prom dateless; oh the horrors of Amanda's past life. Seeing everyone get engaged in college while the guy I was dating at the time wouldn't even talk about a future with me (should have been a hint Amanda).

And then, for a long time, I was that person. I was the one who had finally found Mr. Right. We were always doing fun things like hiking, going out with friends, celebrating birthdays and just always being THAT couple. The one everyone probably secretly hated. We got engaged. Got married. Everything was perfect. We had been pretty much the first of our friends to "settle down". But even in the midst of settling down, we were still ALWAYS doing something. From the outside looking in, we were the ones to be jealous of.

I often wonder if people see my Facebook posts and Instagram posts and get jealous. Now I don't mean this in a vein way, but I wonder if people look at me and get jealous the way I look at people who are pregnant and get jealous. I wonder if people who have recently gotten their hearts broken see my husband and I as a beacon of hope for their future, or just a reminder of how lonely they are.

Friends, I feel that way about pregnancy sometimes. Sometimes I see pregnancy announcements and think "Wow, this is such a sign of hope that someone with the same disease as me finally got pregnant." And sometimes I let jealousy control my thoughts and I think "Wow, it must be nice that she/they got everything they ever wanted without even having to try."

It's hard. I'm not going to lie to you. When yet another friend gets pregnant while you're spending at least one day a week getting blood drawn, having invasive tests done, and spending day after day waiting for the doctor to call with good news, it is rough. When you have to go to yet another baby shower and celebrate and be joyful for something that they have and you haven't. When you watch your best friends with their children and say "Wow, I wish I was them. I wish I could have that." Time doesn't make it any easier, only more manageable. You find ways to cope.

So to my friends who are currently pregnant, or have children, please know that I love you. This post wasn't to make you feel bad or pity me or to tell you guys to back off. I love your children/soon to be born children more than words can say. I just envy you guys so much for being able to do the things my body can't on its own. Remember that even when your kids are driving you crazy, when you have to wake up 50 times a night to pee, the morning sickness comes far more often than you'd like, and when you go through the pain of child birth, remember that someone might be wanting all of that so badly. I'd give anything to be able to be sick every single morning for 9 months if it meant I finally was pregnant. I'd take years of sleepless nights if it means that the child whom I've been loving in my heart for years is by my side.

When everyone seems to have what you want, remind yourself that you probably have something that they want too. As I watch friends go through pregnancy without their spouse, they are probably wishing they had a relationship like my husband and I do. When someone is jealous that we are able to go on such fun trips like Disney, remember that we had to work our butts off to save money for these trips and that we had to sacrifice a lot to do so. Remember, everyone has a story. Everyone has a history. What we put on our social media isn't usually the whole story. We usually project the happiest of times and the saddest of times, but not those places we want no one to see.

And if we're being honest, amazing things are happening around me all the time. We just moved and have been redoing our apartment and it's been such a blessing to spend that time painting and peeling wall paper and organizing the basement with my husband. And yet as we're peeling wall paper in our guest room, all I can think is "When will this become a nursery? When will this home be full of children's laughter?"

I've come to the conclusion I need to stop focusing on the negative. I need to be focused on the positive. Rather than "When will this room be a nursery?" I should be thinking "When can my friends and family from out of town come and visit and stay with us?" Instead of feeling pity on myself for seeing someone else pregnant, again, before me, I should be thankful that they don't have to go through the pain that I am. Or maybe they have gone through the pain I have and haven't shared that part of their life with the world.

To those women who have shared their pains of infertility, miscarriages, and heart break with me, know that you are loved so much by me, and by your Heavenly Father. You are not forgotten. We are not forgotten. Our miracles are coming. While everyone seems to have what we want, let's continue to be joyous and hopeful. Let's show the world that those thoughts of jealousy can't control us forever and that we are stronger than we think we are.

Often times people say "God won't give you more than you can handle." I don't believe that for one second. I think it should say "God is there to help you when you have more than you can handle." Jesus didn't die on a cross for us to stand here and do it all on our own. He died for us. He died for our sins, and while those nails were being pierced through his hands, he was feeling all of our pains. All our fears we've had, Jesus felt them. All of the anxiety, all of the doubt, all of the tears. I'm so joyous that I have a firm foundation to stand on when all of it seems to be too much. I'm glad that along with giving it up to God, that I have a group of close knit friends and family and a husband who will get me through these times.

"I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. You are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand. You've never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in the storm." -Praise You In The Storm: Casting Crowns


Many blessings,

Amanda