Psalm 119:105

This post started off as just a Facebook post. As I kept typing and the words just started flowing, I figured it was going to have to be modified into a blog post. So here ya go world!

 

Infertility Devotional

 

The AMAZING devotional I'm working my way through "Infertility Encouragement from Sarah's Laughter"  brought a beautiful message today that I wanted to share quickly about. The scripture that it was based on today was Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."

The devotional for the day was titled "The Word of God & a Flashlight" (Day 11 if you are wanting to read the full version yourself)

The post goes on to say that if the lights go out in your home, you stumble around a usually familiar surrounding until you can find a flashlight. Once you find that flash light, where do you shine it? Obviously you can't light up your entire house or even the next room. No, you typically point it just in front of your feet to guide your steps.

My infertility journey feels like this sometimes *All the time*. I want God to just light up the entire room. I want to see the whole picture and what's going to come next. I want to know everything. I've always been someone who wants to know "Why?" to everything, which is what makes my journey with Christ and through infertility extremely hard. I like to know how things work (or don't work), how to fix it, exactly what's happening during all these procedures, what each blood test is testing for. I just feel that if I can't be in control, at least I will know what's going on around me.

 

But God has given me that light for one step at a time to guide me through to the end of this infertility tunnel. I can't always know exactly where the next step will lead. For the past two years I've had no idea it would lead us here. I had no idea that my heart would be invested for two years, but my body would only have been "trying" for 1/4 of that time.

 

 

An Update

The past few months have been extremely hard on me. I've tried to not let it get to me, but it's been building up and extremely emotionally and spiritually draining. Since our 6th round of Clomid (cycle started beginning of February) failed to get us pregnant, we have been working with our new doctor. She is absolutely incredible and has been great at telling us what they are looking for in the blood work and the tests and ultra sounds, and what our next steps will be depending on how each of the tests come back. Despite how amazing it's been getting new and more answers, I've just been heart broken thinking about how we've gone three months without really "trying" since we know I won't ovulate.

 

My heart breaks because I just want this to be over. I just want to be pregnant.

 

Being emotionally invested for two years and yet knowing in your mind that only 6 months of that really "count" is so hard. Why can't I be one of those people who miraculously gets pregnant even though they aren't on their fertility medicine. I'm not stressing about getting pregnant right now, since I know that it wouldn't really be possible. I mean, it hasn't been possible for the past 2 years without medicine, why would it be now?

 

Because I have hope.

 

My stupid heart has hope that I could be one of those amazing cases where they were about to start heavier treatment and they fall pregnant. I have hope that if I pray, amazing things could happen.

 

But then the realistic side of me comes in and says "Amanda you're going to have to be on medicine and possibly be poked and prodded and artificially inseminated to get pregnant." Which I would totally be ok with, if I knew when. If I wasn't in the waiting.

 

I'm starting to feel like I have the faith the size of a mustard seed. It is small, barely there, but it's there. And if I have faith to say to ask God to move mountains, he will move them in his time.

 

Lord, I need a miracle. I need you to come into my life in big ways, and move mountains. I need you to part the seas. I need all those promises you've given to your children. The promise of a child to Abraham and Sarah. The promise of Jesus returning again. I need all those promises and that hope today. I need reassurance that you are here. I know you'll never leave or forsake me, and I know you're doing amazing things in my life. God, just remind me of all the amazing things you've done and will continue to do.

 

To all my readers, thank you for sticking with me. I need your support now more than ever before. I love you all!

 

X's and O'x

Amanda

When Everyone Have What You Want

I'm sure I'm not the only one. You wake up in the morning, open up Facebook, and right there at the top is the thing you want most. Only it's not for you. It's for your friend, relative, the random girl from high school that thought she'd go and friend everyone she use to know back in the day.

I've been there so many times through out my life. After breaking up with an X in high school and then seeing the girl he asked to prom, and being prom dateless; oh the horrors of Amanda's past life. Seeing everyone get engaged in college while the guy I was dating at the time wouldn't even talk about a future with me (should have been a hint Amanda).

And then, for a long time, I was that person. I was the one who had finally found Mr. Right. We were always doing fun things like hiking, going out with friends, celebrating birthdays and just always being THAT couple. The one everyone probably secretly hated. We got engaged. Got married. Everything was perfect. We had been pretty much the first of our friends to "settle down". But even in the midst of settling down, we were still ALWAYS doing something. From the outside looking in, we were the ones to be jealous of.

I often wonder if people see my Facebook posts and Instagram posts and get jealous. Now I don't mean this in a vein way, but I wonder if people look at me and get jealous the way I look at people who are pregnant and get jealous. I wonder if people who have recently gotten their hearts broken see my husband and I as a beacon of hope for their future, or just a reminder of how lonely they are.

Friends, I feel that way about pregnancy sometimes. Sometimes I see pregnancy announcements and think "Wow, this is such a sign of hope that someone with the same disease as me finally got pregnant." And sometimes I let jealousy control my thoughts and I think "Wow, it must be nice that she/they got everything they ever wanted without even having to try."

It's hard. I'm not going to lie to you. When yet another friend gets pregnant while you're spending at least one day a week getting blood drawn, having invasive tests done, and spending day after day waiting for the doctor to call with good news, it is rough. When you have to go to yet another baby shower and celebrate and be joyful for something that they have and you haven't. When you watch your best friends with their children and say "Wow, I wish I was them. I wish I could have that." Time doesn't make it any easier, only more manageable. You find ways to cope.

So to my friends who are currently pregnant, or have children, please know that I love you. This post wasn't to make you feel bad or pity me or to tell you guys to back off. I love your children/soon to be born children more than words can say. I just envy you guys so much for being able to do the things my body can't on its own. Remember that even when your kids are driving you crazy, when you have to wake up 50 times a night to pee, the morning sickness comes far more often than you'd like, and when you go through the pain of child birth, remember that someone might be wanting all of that so badly. I'd give anything to be able to be sick every single morning for 9 months if it meant I finally was pregnant. I'd take years of sleepless nights if it means that the child whom I've been loving in my heart for years is by my side.

When everyone seems to have what you want, remind yourself that you probably have something that they want too. As I watch friends go through pregnancy without their spouse, they are probably wishing they had a relationship like my husband and I do. When someone is jealous that we are able to go on such fun trips like Disney, remember that we had to work our butts off to save money for these trips and that we had to sacrifice a lot to do so. Remember, everyone has a story. Everyone has a history. What we put on our social media isn't usually the whole story. We usually project the happiest of times and the saddest of times, but not those places we want no one to see.

And if we're being honest, amazing things are happening around me all the time. We just moved and have been redoing our apartment and it's been such a blessing to spend that time painting and peeling wall paper and organizing the basement with my husband. And yet as we're peeling wall paper in our guest room, all I can think is "When will this become a nursery? When will this home be full of children's laughter?"

I've come to the conclusion I need to stop focusing on the negative. I need to be focused on the positive. Rather than "When will this room be a nursery?" I should be thinking "When can my friends and family from out of town come and visit and stay with us?" Instead of feeling pity on myself for seeing someone else pregnant, again, before me, I should be thankful that they don't have to go through the pain that I am. Or maybe they have gone through the pain I have and haven't shared that part of their life with the world.

To those women who have shared their pains of infertility, miscarriages, and heart break with me, know that you are loved so much by me, and by your Heavenly Father. You are not forgotten. We are not forgotten. Our miracles are coming. While everyone seems to have what we want, let's continue to be joyous and hopeful. Let's show the world that those thoughts of jealousy can't control us forever and that we are stronger than we think we are.

Often times people say "God won't give you more than you can handle." I don't believe that for one second. I think it should say "God is there to help you when you have more than you can handle." Jesus didn't die on a cross for us to stand here and do it all on our own. He died for us. He died for our sins, and while those nails were being pierced through his hands, he was feeling all of our pains. All our fears we've had, Jesus felt them. All of the anxiety, all of the doubt, all of the tears. I'm so joyous that I have a firm foundation to stand on when all of it seems to be too much. I'm glad that along with giving it up to God, that I have a group of close knit friends and family and a husband who will get me through these times.

"I'll praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands. You are who you are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, you hold in your hand. You've never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in the storm." -Praise You In The Storm: Casting Crowns


Many blessings,

Amanda